Well let me start by saying that one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to post more often and more regularly on Crying In Ubers so that’s going super well. The fact that my New Year’s post is going up mid-February (aka about 3 weeks after the point where if you’re still saying “Happy New Year!” I want to fucking punch you, but still about 3 months away from me transitioning to dating things 2015 instead of 2014) is pretty perfect and representative of me. But now let’s talk about all those promises we made to ourselves January 1st and have since long forgotten about:
Last year I made the resolution to be vegan. New Year’s morning I walked down to the hotel buffet, straight up to the omelet bar and ordered an egg white omelet with cheese, bacon, spinach, and jalapeños. I don’t even normally eat bacon. It was delicious. But certainly not vegan. I mean, technically, my resolution was to “be vegan until I cave and then be vegetarian until I cave again and then just be healthy in general,” so I knew I would fail eventually, but who would have thought I’d blow through 3 steps (and theoretically months of progression) in a matter of minutes?
While not always as extreme as adopting veganism, almost everyone decides to diet in the New Year. Which in principle is pretty stupid. Yeah I get it’s smart because it’s a good place to bookend a diet but New Year’s diets seemed doomed to fail. I mean, hello New Year’s Hangover Brunch! After a night of drinking on drinking on drinking, no one is grabbing half a grapefruit…they’re going for something nice and greasy. And then you think, well I fucked up the whole year… no use dieting now!
Just start February 1st! Oh no, Valentine’s Day. I feel like that’s a big eating holiday? Like chocolates and shit. And maybe girls who care too much eat Chunky Monkey straight out of the carton? Jk I do that every day. Maybe you’re not #foreveralone and eating body chocolate off a Melvin, or you’re like me, sitting with a bottle of wine eating Anna Howard Shaw Day cookies, but I think February’s a bust.
March? No good. Come St. Patty’s Day you’ll max out the calorie intake whether your vice be pints on pints at Blarney or those green bagels they sell that are way better than you’d expect, especially when basing your experience of non veggie green foods on the inevitable green eggs some mom would make for Dr. Seuss Day. You say now you’ll celebrate by pounding Greens 3s*, but come March 18 you’re going to be waking up and running straight to the mirror to make sure you didn’t follow through on those plans to get your nose pierced.** But let’s be real March is fucked as soon as that Hamantaschen starts showing up.
I could go through the whole year, (April: Coachella Spicy Pie, etc.), but I think you get it by this point….plus by now it’s basically already summer and you realize you missed the opportunity for a smaller Missoni Bikini.
New Year’s is a great time to quit smoking. Any day is a great day to quit smoking. I suggest you do it now. Cigs, duh. Weed smokers out there, you do you fuckers.
New Years is also a great day to quit/limit drinking. Especially given the likelihood that you got trashed as shit New Year’s Eve. Believe me, that one’s not gonna last. How do I know this? Well as I’m sure most of you can relate to, I make the “I’m never drinking again” promise a lot more often than New Year’s, and break the resolution sometimes even in a matter of hours. The way to go is to cut it back. But by now I accept everyone who attempted that is back to full on white girl wasted err’ night.
This is the best of all New Year’s Resolutions. I’m not being sarcastic. See, since you’re starting the year and you’re like I’m going to be an animal this year, it only makes sense to pick up a new workout or sport. And you know what that means?… A new wardrobe! (PS you can do this even if you don’t try anything new). Yes, my New Year’s Resolution is to surf for exercise which is why I need the Chanel surfboard. Okay, maybe over the top, but I’m dead serious use the guise of getting in shape as an excuse to shop. You’ll get wear out of everything for like a couple months and then totally give up on the workout and banish the gear to a bottom drawer in your closet.
If I’m going to train for the marathon I need a collection of new sneakers.
If I plan on playing more tennis, I need new white skirts and cute socks. And don’t forget a cute racket.
Or just buy out LuluLemon. Order the whole new collection from Soul Cycle. Get a beautiful pair of boxing gloves like mine. Do you know when the last time I boxed was?
But in all seriousness, how much does getting your shit together to workout suck. Like I really enjoy Soul and yoga and sports but there are people who really LOVE to run. I mean whatever yeah it’s kind of nice randomly sometimes but like people are crazy and more importantly they’re liars. I used to run 5 miles in the morning in high school and if I ever told any of you that I liked it I give you full permission to just clock me. THAT SHIT SUCKS.
I’m a nail biter. Always have been, and unfortunately always will be. Not like a nervous, casual nibbler, but an alcoholic to your has a glass of wine every couple weeks. Like my nails are actually gross. Manicurists laugh at me, lecture me, and make fun of me with each other in Vietnamese on the reg. If I get violently murdered, the killer is probably getting away with it because even if I fight back, the CSI won’t be able to find any DNA under my nails or any defensive wounds on a suspect that they are so obviously hiding by wearing leather gloves mid-summer. Last year I made the resolution not to bite them. About 2 weeks in I took a picture of my nails that I would post here but I got a new phone and didn’t transfer the images.† I couldn’t tell you when I broke but all I know is my nails are so nonexistent the other day I had to use my teeth to set my watch. I guess Cartier doesn’t have people with the hands of 12 year old boys in mind when designing.
Basically I’m fucking hopeless.
At some point I resolved to start wearing my retainer, but I still look like Demi Lovato had a baby with Michael Strahan. It’s okay, I tell myself I look like Lara Stone. I swear I try, but Dr. Bloore’s work is probably irreparably damaged.
Maybe you decide to stop sleeping through morning classes. I bet you made your 10:00’s the entire first two weeks. By now you’ve probably stopped even setting your alarm. Maybe you’re one of those people who promises to be more punctual in general. Remember you made that resolution next time you text someone “On my way. Be there in 5” as you’re about to get into the shower.
This is very stressful for me to think about. I couldn’t even think about writing a stupid blog post. Apparently, people make resolutions to travel more….like that’s not a resolution that’s taking vacations, which is amazing but not so much a needed resolution.
Resolution to get a boyfriend? HAHAHAHAHAHAH
My major life change is that I’m resolving to really up my Instagram game. It’s hardcore weak. New Year’s Resolution: be insta-famous? I mean that or get a job or something. But we all know which one is a better life choice. Hint: it’s the one that involves a lot more selfies.
But here’s the thing. Whatever your New Year’s Resolutions were this year, take this nice February day to just remember them. A moment of silence for the fallen. And pour one out of all the promises you’ve already broken. And hey—that’s a bit less to drink after all. It’s what your forgotten resolution would have wanted you to do.
*OMG! GREENS 3! How very in the holiday spirit!
**I still maintain (sober I might add) that I could totally rock and pull off a nose ring (stud, duh)
†I had my dad help me load the photos on to the computer a couple weeks ago. He insisted on sitting there while they transferred. It was horrifying. I kept trying to distract him and get his eyes off the screen, fearing he might catch something incriminating.