Miss Me?

Arrested Development. Gilmore Girls. Twin Peaks.Will and Grace. Crying in Ubers.

All beloved pop culture institutions. 2 cult tv shows, 2 critical and commercial hit programs, and 1 blog that has multiple subscribers and has been called “good” and “funny” by my dad (but also probably, “wildly inappropriate”*) and has been ‘liked’ by serial Facebooker, my mom. As I said, pop culture institutions.

They all also took a break before a triumphant return to appease public demands. Netflix did a new season of Arrested 7 years after it was originally canceled and we got more Gilmore Girls after it being off-air for 9 years, because apparently that’s how long it took us to forget how f-ing annoying Rory is. There will be new seasons of Twin Peaks and Will and Grace this year after 25+ year and 11 year hiatuses, respectively.

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And lastly, 15 months to the day after my last post, I am back to give my adoring and loyal fans what they’ve been waiting for. I’m sorry, did I hear you scoffing at that? No I didn’t over the sounds of people literally cheering with excitement….And also because I’m not hovering over people forcing them to read this because while it’s been established that I’m insane…actually nevermind that sounds exactly like something I would do and also why else would you even be reading this? Well, just FYI I have been getting a lot of feedback from fans begging for new posts…here is a direct quote:

“If you’re going to just sit around all day doing nothing, you might as well write for your blog or whatever. Or clean your room. Also, did you steal my credit card and/or know anything about all these charges at SugarfishDiptyque, and the App Store for Candy Crush Soda Saga?” -Anonymous

If that’s not basically Roswell fans sending the WB thousands of bottles of TabascoI don’t know what is.

Okay, fine. I’m not delusional. I know I’m no Will and Grace or Arrested Development. Realistically, Crying in Ubers is the blog version of American Idol. No one was asking to bring AI back after only ONE YEAR off-air. No one. And even before we thought we were done with it forever, it hadn’t been great/that appealing in quite a while. But I’ll be damned if AI, and metaphorically, Crying In Ubers, wasn’t one of the highest rated shows of all time that changed TV as we know it and launched the careers of superstars like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Hicks.**

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NO. Bad Internet. JUST NO

So sure, we might all be rolling our eyes (while secretly hoping ABC brings back Brian Dunkleman to help cover in case Ryan Seacrest‘s time turner malfunctions), but even if my blog is the Kara DioGuardi years, I’m still raking in tons of views and beaucoup bucks.***

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I was going to write something funny but I got so bored I fell asleep

After all this I’m back talk, you may be wondering why the break in the first place. Or, possibly, if I didn’t catch all the times I accidentally typed I’m black, you might be very confused and wondering if I read Rachel Dolezal‘s memoir one too many times. Note: I read it 6+ times (for work), so you decide if that’s too many.

Anyway, I don’t know what to tell you. I just haven’t had the ideas, or motivation, or inspiration or whatever. I think I just lost my funny. You have to be funny in the first place in order to stop being funny….BAM! Beat you to it!

I have always said if there is one character from film, tv, or literature to whom I am most similar it is Austin Powers. This whole not being funny/being able to write is just like when Fat Bastard steal’s Austin’s mojo. I’ve lost my mojo. And just like Austin, this is preventing me from banging Heather Graham

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The resemblance is uncanny….although my chest is a lot more hairy

I may not be fully there yet….I really do wish I had made my grand return with a funnier post…but I’m on my way. So, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I return. So grab your tissues and embrace your inner psycho. And if you’re an uber driver in LA and you hear hear sobbing in the backseat as you make your way from any number of bars to Beverly Hills, don’t be alarmed…the bitch is back.

To my loyal fans (read: mom and dad), I promise I will make you laugh again, and so help me God, I will boink FHM‘s 97th Sexiest Woman in the World of 2002.

*Pls see my reasoning for not wanting to give a dude “a blowie” while watching a Kevin James movie….and no, it is not that Kevin James on a Segway isn’t a turn on, because duh, it totally is. Kevin James on a Segway is also the name of my future band or a sex act I am going to invent. Or both.

**I was going to go with someone funnier like Sanjayabut that seemed too obvious. Plus, I would just like to remind everyone that this opposite-of-a-silver-fox won.

***No, I have not in any way monetized this site. Except that I pay for my domain name, so I literally am making negative dollars a year.

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