The Worst Movie in History: A Quick Rant

I love bad movies.* Like love them. I hate even to use the term “bad movies” because it is tbh, personally offensive. “Starring Nic Cage” are the three greatest words in the english language. If you don’t agree, you deserve to be attacked by bees and burned alive. If you haven’t seen Vampire’s Kiss, stop reading this stupid blog and watch it freaking immediately. 

while I suggest you watch the whole movie and not just this clip, I needed to put something happy in this post ’cause I’m about to get rull mad

Why am I not doing a post on my favorite of these movies? Maybe I should (I will), but I don’t want to seem like I’m ripping off my own personal bibleHow Did This Get Made? Plus, that would probably devolve into a whole post about my undying love for my future baby daddy Jason Mantzoukas,** and I’m not ready for him to take out a restraining order.

So first, I’m here to talk to you about something very important. It’s the thing that I am perhaps most passionate about…more than any political or social issue, more than Nic Cage movies or my belief that Biz Markie is the closest thing we’ve had to the next Barbra Streisandeven more than my belief that Giada De Laurentiis is human colonoscopy prep***….maybe even more than my love for Zouks. I’m talking about the fact that Sweet Home Alabama is a terrible, horrible movie. More like ‘Not-So-Sweet Home Alabama’ *slam* This is a different kind of movie than the ones I was talking about before. There are no words to describe it. It literally enrages me. I am shaking writing this.

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This is waaaaay too high of a score. And 78% audience score!!! For shame, America….for shame

Loyal criers know that my only other movie review was a retraction of a previous slamming. But I assure you, I will not change my mind on this one.

Look, I’m not saying this movie was poorly made or acted. Everyone is doing a fine job…I guess. What I am talking about, is the fact that we’re all pretending that this is a charming Reese Witherspoon romcom when in fact, it is a movie about a fucking sociopath. (….like borderline Giada level)

somehow, more likable than anything she does in this movie

Okay, let me give credit where credit is due. Reese (her character….I refuse to call her Melanie Smooter because it’s a stupid name but if anyone ever deserved the last name Smooter, it’s this character) is #SocialClimberGoals. I mean, she seems to be putting on her first fashion show, and she’s not only the hottest thing in fashion, but she is in a high profile romance with the mayor of New York’s son. And just in case all you gold diggers out there, or confirmed loyal crying readers Scott Disick and Meghan Markle, are thinking pshaaaaa, big whoop, let’s remember that the mayor’s son is freaking McDreamy. Brava, Reese. Plus, let’s be real, (spoiler alert) she really only ends up choosing the other guy after she finds out he became successful (as a glassmaker/storm chaser?). If it were a story about her conniving rise to the top, I could be on board. But I’m not okay with us being told to accept this bitch as the second coming of [insert Meg Ryan/Julia Roberts character here].

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there’s a joke here…

Instead of Reese, we are expected to believe that Candice Bergen is the villain. Okay, fine….she’s not the most moral character, but she is definitely not the least.

So she sends her dude to go spy on Reese down in ‘bama and get dirt on her? So what? SHE HAD EVERY RIGHT TO BE SUSPICIOUS! REESE WAS LYING ABOUT EVERYTHING. You can’t just change your name (okay, if my name were Smooter, I’d probably change it to Carmichael too) and be like okay all better now…ahem…Lana Del Rey (ok, she can). Did she even legally change it? Because if so, then there should be a record somewhere. If not, is she carrying around a fake id? You are the mayor of New York City…she isn’t a Soviet Spy† or in the witness protection program…it shouldn’t be that hard to find out who she is! And it’s not like she just rebranded…she’s straight up pinocchio-ing in magazine interviews. She was on the cover of W spewing lies like she’s Brian freaking Williams. Not only is that not chill from a publicity standpoint for public figures like Mayor Murphy Brown and her son McSecretary of Housing (Secretary McDreamy?), but isn’t she just being a good mother? What kind of relationship could they have? Did Reese spend the first few dates telling made up stories to McSecretary?

For all you luddites saying that we’ve become too dependent on technology and social media, I say that if the internet were as ubiquitous in 2002 as it is today, Reese never would have gotten away with this and this whole movie would have never happened. You know what? If this is the kind of girl we, as a society, root for, we deserve to be enslaved by the machines. In fact, I’m pretty sure Sweet Home Alabama direct prequel to Maximum Overdrive.


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the only Alabamian I can get behind

Okay, next point. You may think “sociopath” is an extreme label to slap on Reese’s forehead (don’t even get me started on her haircut), but I have the evidence to back my shit up. I’ve seen enough SVU and Criminal Minds to know that the 3 things in youth they say are signs of a future sociopath/murder are fire-setting, cruelty to animals, and bed-wetting. Um…helloooo… Reese literally blows up a bank by tying dynamite to a cat’s tail. I don’t care about the justification they give, that is 2 out of 3 markers right there.

Not sold on the evil sociopath theory yet? WHAT ABOUT WHEN SHE STRAIGHT UP OUTS A DUDE??!!! You can’t just go around outing people that are in the closet. [note to self: before publishing, come up with Ethan Embry joke along lines of Can’t Hardly Wait to come out] But we’re just supposed to be like whoopsie-daisies?

A few thoughts before we get to the problematic ending:

Bitch, you dumb: If you wanted to keep your engagement a secret, why in God’s name would you wear your engagement ring on that finger on a red carpet? And turning it around doesn’t do much…in fact it just looks like a wedding band since it’s the finger that’s important, not the ring. You had the good sense not to wear it into the husband’s house….even though we literally just saw that the engagement was on the front page of every paper!

And what, you expected the dog to just like live forever? You’ve been gone for 7 years…that’s like 49 years to him! And then later you’re gonna act all sad about the dead dog, but when you think Bear is alive, you’re not even happy to see him…you yell at him to shut up! And what kind of monster sees another dog and thinks it’s their own? This is the kind of bitch who picks up the wrong kid from daycare and doesn’t realize it until there’s a fucking amber alert out on the shorty she ‘napped.

Ooooh, I am not done yet. Okay you think you’re all great and classy and better than everyone else. But like, it’s no one’s fault but your own if your designs look like Jaclyn Smith’s Kmart collection. Yeah, $30 is hella expensive for that piece of crap.

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Mugatu’s assistant was Reese’s fashion designer mentor in this, so maybe Zoolander is a prequel to this and Maximum Overdrive?

Okay, let’s get to the whole ending. First of all, before we even get to the wedding, she kisses Josh Lucas, which helloooo is cheating on McJFK. But whatever. So, question is, who are you rooting for Reese to end up with? The answer should be “the Devil, in hell,” but let’s for one minute make the concession that Reese is the hero of this movie. Not that glassblower hubby proves to be a particularly bad guy, but hellooooo McDreamy!!! Even after it turns out that he is in a relationship built on lies with a white trash sociopath, he still wants to marry her! Okay, minute over. I don’t care who Reese ends up with, but WTF has Patrick Dempsey done wrong that he deserves to get left at the altar?†† I mean, he is such a good guy that she destroys him in front of everyone they know and he just kisses her hand and walks away. Reese…you think you can do better than this guy? Are you freaking kidding me?

And now for the most infuriating moment of this horror movie: Reese punches out Murphy Brown. And what? The audience is supposed to stand up and cheer with all the southern folk? Candice Bergen 100% got on board with the wedding once everything was out in the open. Sure, when she helps plan the wedding she forgets to check the weather, but come on, she’s the freaking mayor…she’s busy. In fact, she pays for the whole thing. I mean, technically, we only know that her son offers to pay, but even if it is “his” money, where do you think it really came from? I hope Reese had that lawyer she was using for her divorce on retainer, because if there is any justice in the world, she will be facing an assault charge soon.

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Reese and McDreamy’s wedding ended worse than any Game of Thrones wedding

I lied…next comes the most egregious thing: Reese tells everyone “if you’re friends of the bride stick around. I’m going to go find me a groom!” They then take the cake (and god knows what else) that the basically-Kennedys paid for and have a party to celebrate her getting back together with the other dude. Seriously?!! Seriously? I can’t even talk about this anymore….I think I’m about to have a stroke.

*Omg I can’t even describe how excited I am for The Disaster Artist

**If you know me, you know how not kidding I am. Seriously, if anyone can hook it up with Zouks for me, I would do anything. I’d even watch Sweet Home Alabama on a loop for a week. Seriously. He walked past me at the Paramount lot and I literally started crying. Marc Maron recently had him on WTF and I literally could not finish it because I was having too many feelings–I had to do it over multiple sittings.

***YAAAAAS QUEEN NICOLE KIDMAN! You are a national hero. I haven’t been this proud to be named Nicole since The Simple Life was on.

†Ooooh…I might be into that movie!

††Okay, I guess he does get a happy ending in that he doesn’t have to spend any more time with this she monster, but that’s the only concession I’m going to make.

Note: I called this a “quick” rant because I majorly shortened my usual diatribe. I’m telling you this could have been an entire Lord of the Rings length tirade.

Uptown Girls, Two Thumbs UP: A Retraction of My Sixth Grade Review

Look, I made a lot of mistakes in sixth grade. Many of them were fashion related, as detailed in this previous post. Also, I’m definitely not saying that one time I may or may not have possibly farted during homeroom and tried to play it cool, but I’m also not entirely saying I didn’t… However, recently, another sixth grade mistake has come to my attention. And when I am wrong, I say I’m wrong so I’m using this blog to rectify that situation.

In sixth grade, I was on the El Rodeo Student News.* One weekend, I saw the Brittany Murphy/Dakota Fanning movie Uptown Girls with my father and we both hated it, so naturally I decided to show off my clearly higher-than-sixth-grade-girl standards to the entire school with a scathing review. I don’t remember details, but I do remember writing the headline, Uptown Girls: Two Thumbs Down. Now, I’d like to believe the “two thumbs down” was a play on the “Up” part of “Uptown,” but more realistically in a stroke of great pretentiousness I saw myself a mini Roger Ebert. I recently rewatched Uptown Girls, and I’d like to formally retract my review, a la The Patriot News.

Dakotaalways an adult trapped in a kid’s body, Dakota gives us a peak at a situation women know all too well

In the words of another great Weekend Update guest: This movie has everything: Turk/Murray’s mole aka “tickle button,” Heather Locklear as a workaholic exec (ha!), that hot Australian guy from House, Brittany Murphy in a DIY overall dress, and Dakota Fanning at her Dakotaiest. In fact, the only thing Uptown Girls doesn’t have is the titular (singularized) Billy Joel song.

It’s the classic modern day princess story. Rich, free-spirited Molly’s rockstar parents died, leaving her a fabulous New York apartment filled with a fabulous wardrobe, a freezer of loose cash, and a pet pig. Molly may have it all (other than a job), but she’s not your average superficial rich girl– she makes a hair accessory out of a mini candle shade from Home Depot!! She even gives flowers to her old neighbor, a thong to her doorman, and her gifts to the Salvation Army! Long story short, Molly loses all her money and must get a job nannying for anal retentive, OCD, Ray, aka Dakota Fanning in everything ever.

The movie has a 14% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I truly believe the 96 critics, as well as twelve year old me, didn’t fully grasp the true deepness of this movie. I mean, we’re talking about an unlikely friendship between a carefree heiress and a no-nonsense neat freak. AND it’s between an adult and a child. AND the child is the grown-up of the relationship and the adult is the immature one! Woah, way to blow my mind, here! Talk about originality!

This movie is just packed with emotional scenes on par with Academy Award Best Pictures. Ray may be an OCD nutcase, but there has to be a reason, right? Oh, is there! Ray’s mom completely neglects her, and her father is in a coma, a few rooms down the hall from her bedroom. She’s eight years old and must pass her father every day, but refuses to connect with him because he’s a “vegetable.” Guys, this is some real shit. As if that wasn’t enough, just one day after Molly convinces Ray it will help him to spend time with her comatose father, he up and dies. You may have felt a little twinge when Coney Island is closed the first time our girls go, but if you didn’t sob when Ray collapses onto Molly their second visit, you’re an absolute monster!

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Dakota Fanning gives a memorable performance as she evolves from quoting Baryshnikov, and sanitizing plastic scones to puking post-spinning teacups at germ-ridden Coney Island, and literally letting her hair down and letting loose during a ballet performance (pictured above). Along the way, she gives a show stopping performance slapping and punching her babysitter until she breaks down in tears.

The late Brittany Murphy (RIP) plays carefree as well as anybody. And I think it is truly a testament to her acting that despite how annoying and delusional her character may be in regards to her love interest, that I couldn’t help but cry the happiest of tears when Neal showed up at Ray’s recital to perform “Molly Smiles” and reveal it was he who bought her fathers’ guitar collection at auction— can you say plot twist?!!! I hope you were paying attention M. Night Shyamalan!!!

Overall, I’d like to retract my review from ten years ago, and apologize to the El Rodeo Community- I did not do you justice as a responsible journalist and reviewer. I hope this post can undo all the damage I may have caused.

*I have a bunch of memories of this fact and the following story, but no real evidence, so keep in mind there is a small chance this entire newspaper is a figment of my imagination.

Ed note: I think Jeremiah Atkinson is one of the most genius characters to come out of SNL. I cry laughing every time I watch his original appearance.