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Arrested Development. Gilmore Girls. Twin Peaks.Will and Grace. Crying in Ubers.

All beloved pop culture institutions. 2 cult tv shows, 2 critical and commercial hit programs, and 1 blog that has multiple subscribers and has been called “good” and “funny” by my dad (but also probably, “wildly inappropriate”*) and has been ‘liked’ by serial Facebooker, my mom. As I said, pop culture institutions.

They all also took a break before a triumphant return to appease public demands. Netflix did a new season of Arrested 7 years after it was originally canceled and we got more Gilmore Girls after it being off-air for 9 years, because apparently that’s how long it took us to forget how f-ing annoying Rory is. There will be new seasons of Twin Peaks and Will and Grace this year after 25+ year and 11 year hiatuses, respectively.

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And lastly, 15 months to the day after my last post, I am back to give my adoring and loyal fans what they’ve been waiting for. I’m sorry, did I hear you scoffing at that? No I didn’t over the sounds of people literally cheering with excitement….And also because I’m not hovering over people forcing them to read this because while it’s been established that I’m insane…actually nevermind that sounds exactly like something I would do and also why else would you even be reading this? Well, just FYI I have been getting a lot of feedback from fans begging for new posts…here is a direct quote:

“If you’re going to just sit around all day doing nothing, you might as well write for your blog or whatever. Or clean your room. Also, did you steal my credit card and/or know anything about all these charges at SugarfishDiptyque, and the App Store for Candy Crush Soda Saga?” -Anonymous

If that’s not basically Roswell fans sending the WB thousands of bottles of TabascoI don’t know what is.

Okay, fine. I’m not delusional. I know I’m no Will and Grace or Arrested Development. Realistically, Crying in Ubers is the blog version of American Idol. No one was asking to bring AI back after only ONE YEAR off-air. No one. And even before we thought we were done with it forever, it hadn’t been great/that appealing in quite a while. But I’ll be damned if AI, and metaphorically, Crying In Ubers, wasn’t one of the highest rated shows of all time that changed TV as we know it and launched the careers of superstars like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Hicks.**

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NO. Bad Internet. JUST NO

So sure, we might all be rolling our eyes (while secretly hoping ABC brings back Brian Dunkleman to help cover in case Ryan Seacrest‘s time turner malfunctions), but even if my blog is the Kara DioGuardi years, I’m still raking in tons of views and beaucoup bucks.***

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I was going to write something funny but I got so bored I fell asleep

After all this I’m back talk, you may be wondering why the break in the first place. Or, possibly, if I didn’t catch all the times I accidentally typed I’m black, you might be very confused and wondering if I read Rachel Dolezal‘s memoir one too many times. Note: I read it 6+ times (for work), so you decide if that’s too many.

Anyway, I don’t know what to tell you. I just haven’t had the ideas, or motivation, or inspiration or whatever. I think I just lost my funny. You have to be funny in the first place in order to stop being funny….BAM! Beat you to it!

I have always said if there is one character from film, tv, or literature to whom I am most similar it is Austin Powers. This whole not being funny/being able to write is just like when Fat Bastard steal’s Austin’s mojo. I’ve lost my mojo. And just like Austin, this is preventing me from banging Heather Graham

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The resemblance is uncanny….although my chest is a lot more hairy

I may not be fully there yet….I really do wish I had made my grand return with a funnier post…but I’m on my way. So, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I return. So grab your tissues and embrace your inner psycho. And if you’re an uber driver in LA and you hear hear sobbing in the backseat as you make your way from any number of bars to Beverly Hills, don’t be alarmed…the bitch is back.

To my loyal fans (read: mom and dad), I promise I will make you laugh again, and so help me God, I will boink FHM‘s 97th Sexiest Woman in the World of 2002.

*Pls see my reasoning for not wanting to give a dude “a blowie” while watching a Kevin James movie….and no, it is not that Kevin James on a Segway isn’t a turn on, because duh, it totally is. Kevin James on a Segway is also the name of my future band or a sex act I am going to invent. Or both.

**I was going to go with someone funnier like Sanjayabut that seemed too obvious. Plus, I would just like to remind everyone that this opposite-of-a-silver-fox won.

***No, I have not in any way monetized this site. Except that I pay for my domain name, so I literally am making negative dollars a year.

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A Love Letter to Gwyneth Paltrow: there’s a fine line between love and hate

It’s hard to define Crying in Ubers. Maybe you consider it a comedy blog, maybe you think it’s just some psycho rambling every like 6 months or whatever, but most likely do you don’t even think of it at all. Well, I’d like to think of it as a lifestyle website. So why not mark my triumphant return (sorry I’ve been MIA but literally anxiety stops me from posting literally every time I consider opening my laptop) than with an ode to THE Lifestyle Guru of our generation. No, not Martha, although she was beyooooond hilarious at the Justin Bieber Roast. No, not Oprah. I’m talking Goopy herself, Miss Gwyneth Paltrow.

Look, I get it. It’s a fine line between love and hate. A few months ago I could go on a rant about her on the spot, never mind being unable to suppress an eye roll at every talk show appearance and pull quote posted all over the internet. I was right there with y’all buying a ticket to see Contagion just to watch her die. But now I’m Team Goop all the way.*

Sure, she seems pretentious and unlikable and completely ungrounded in reality. And that fuels the haters. But one morning I woke up and realized, that’s exactly what makes her so great. Don’t we all aspire to be so rich and fabulous and cultured that we can look down on literally all of America? Well, I do. So I’m appointing her my official (and therefore this site’s) life coach.

Why is she officially America’s most hated celeb? I mean she’s bffs with Jay Z and Beyoncè…that used to be enough to give anyone street cred. And don’t stone me here but is she really that different from the CHOSEN couple? Bey poured a bottle of Ace of Spades into a hot tub, and even if it wasn’t really full of champagne, is that really any worse than endorsing a $5,000 juicer or a hangover cure that involves racing between a hot bath and freezing shower?

She can’t connect with “regular” people

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I remember a lot of the hating starting when she released her cookbook, My father’s daughter. People were enraged that her recipes called for a wogwynnod burning pizza oven. Even she admitted it was a luxury. And I’m sorry you know when you’re buying a book by Gwyneth Paltrow it’s not Sonja’s microwave cookbook. Like take a fucking chill pill America. Yeah, it does sound like a great investment. And if I ate carbs fuck yes i’d get one too. She fucking owns who she is. If you’re going on Goop, don’t expect to find best buys from Old Navy. That’s not what Goop is. And that’s not what it’s pretending to be. People freaked out because it cost a little over $100K to buy everything on the Goop 2014 Gift Guide. If you look at a gift guide and buy everything then it’s you’re own business buddy. Maybe that’s the upside to having no friends like me, I don’t have to buy all those gifts. Whatever fuck the haters she has great suggestions. Honestly, it would be a crime to not reccommend the Hermès Avalon Blanket when you have the platform to do so. Because as Gwen says, If only we could buy these in bulk. She can’t pretend to be poor but she tries to understand the plight. She took the food stamp challenge. I mean she failed, but she lasted 4 days. Yet, where’s her award and praise? NO FUCKING WHERE. How dare you people not recognize her acheivement.

Food snobbery in general

Goopy once told my current boss, “I would rather die than let my kids eat Cup-a-Soup.” So fine she’s a drama queen. She’s an actress! But it’s not like my mom let me eat it. Honestly until this very moment I had no idea what it was. I thought she was talking about like Top Ramen. After seeing what it really is I don’t think we can really fault her. More recently, Queen G got a collective side-eye from everyone for this fun lil tidbit: “I would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.” Once again, I have absolutely no idea what cheese from a tin is. It sounds disgusting. But I’m not sure I’m ready to give her a complete pass here. Crack? Really? Crack? I get that she’s trying to go as lowbrow as possible here but as much as I love a good exaggeration I think crack is just too far. Come on, Gwyny….couldn’t you have just switched out one letter and said crank? Crystal Meth is just as disgusting and povo. I mean, in the immortal words of Whitney Houston: “Crack is cheap. [You] make too much money to ever smoke crack. Crack is whack!” I get that it’s a subtle nod to it but come on, even in hyperbole you can’t stoop that low Gwyneth. Say that you’d rather smoke crystal. And not any of that primo Walter White blue shit. I mean if you had said I’d rather smoke bottom barrel crystal than eat cheese from a tin, I’d be with you girl but you didn’t and I’ll always have Whitney’s words ringing in my ears.

Vagina Steams

Look, Shailene Woodley told everyone to sun their bag’s and it was the stupidest thing ever. No way no chance I’ll ever be team Shay. But if Gwyneth wants to pay $200 for a vag steam I say you go girl. I don’t care how many doctors are saying it’s BS, I’m all for it. You go naked into a steam room, it’s basically the same deal. And not to get too far into this reporter’s personal life but gosh be darned if a friend and I didn’t let keep our legs tightly crossed in the steam room at the Beverly Wilshire a couple weeks ago.

Workout Routines

Why are people getting their panties in a bunch over how much Gwyneth spends on Tracy Anderson. I’m not gonna get on any high horse spending $30 for less than an hour of Soul Cycle. It takes a lot of work to be the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So I say you go girl. You fucking go.

Conscious Uncoupling

Look, she came up with a term and people called pretentious. I call it a headline for a lifestyle magazine. Cosmo has had way worse euphemisms. Plus it provided ammo for the most wonderful, delicious, and passive aggressive lifestyle guru feud of all time. Jailbird Cake anyone? Now let’s talk post uncoupling. Chris Martin went straight from America’s most hated to most loved, Jennifer LawrenceSome say overcorrection. But what if that’s not the case? What if they’re just way more alike than we think? Maybe I’m praising Gwen, maybe I’m demonizing Jen, but regardless it’s a real thinker.

 

Look, I know Gwyny thinks it’s sexist to compare her to Blake Lively and Reese Witherspoon, but Preserve.us and whatever the hell Reese is calling her site ain’t got nothing on GOOP. Crying in Ubers? Well, we’ll just have to find out won’t we?

Take the quiz: How Gwyneth Paltrow are you? I’m only a little bit of Gwyneth but I’m working on it. Let me know what you scored. The higher the better, because Goopy is God.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/bricesander/id-rather-smoke-crack-than-eat-cheese-from-a-tin?utm_term=.xybv9Zmad

*A note on the line between love and hate: Is it just me, a previously hardcore devoted Hathahater (despite wanting to like her so badly due to our alleged physical resemblance), but did Anne Hathaway come off as likable when she slayed on Lip Sync Battle?

The Official Crying in Ubers Peter Pan Drinking Game

So tonight sees NBC’s Peter Pan Live and I for one could not be more excited. I would love to live blog it but I am not that technologically savvy. So instead I’m providing you with the official Crying In Ubers Drinking Game for the live musical event. I’ll be partaking solo with a bottle of wine. Since most drinking games are not meant for friendless alcoholics like me, I had to slightly alter existing games to be fit for one, but the #CryinginUbersPeterPan (Long hashtag I know… #CiUPeterPan? #drinkinginubers? #PeterPaninUbers?) drinking game is a combo from those found at Billboard, E!and Decider. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow! Have fun Criers!!

Take One Sip When:

– You shamefully think to yourself, “Is it just me, or is that Lost Boy really attractive?”

– Nana The Dog barks/moves at the wrong time OMG are they really using a real dog? Thinking about putting Marley into show business…he’d literally be terrible, but would get drinking game players freaking wasted

– Something happens that makes you think, “This is all clearly designed for children. What am I doing?” In all fairness, this happens to me on the reg.

– There’s an awkwardly placed commercial break

– You think Allison Williams may be too tall to be Peter YES….I will take one large sip for this one at the beginning….I have been complaining about this since she was cast! The whole point of a female Peter is to be small enough to be lifted by wires! Also she looks like she’s 30….Peter Pan has clearly ‘grown up’… yes, you. Like did no one consider Miley? At least she has the hair…?

 Someone says/sings the words “grow up”

-Any time Captain Hook tap-dances

-Any time a line is flubbed

-Any time Smee does something that could be described as being “classic Smee!” As of now, I don’t know what classifies as “classic Smee!” but I have a feeling a few minutes and sips in, I sure will

-Any time Minnie Driver narrates something and you suddenly remember Minnie Driver is the narrator. Oy.

Take Two Sips When:

– Anyone is flying

– You feel compelled to sing

– Any time you wonder if you should just watch Hook instead I’ve never seen Hook, that’s an issue, right? Like what was up with my childhood? I’m deferring the blame on this one to mom and dad. I have seen Jumanji plenty of times though….that’s the same, right?

– You “think lovely thoughts”

– There’s a costume or set piece mishap

-Every time Christopher Walken pauses between a line

-Every time you want to “pour one out” for Robin Williams Hahahahahaha like I would EVER waste my wine. But seriously, RIP. This makes me too sad to think about.

Take Three Sips When:

– You spy a multi-colored crocodile

– Someone you’re watching with references Christopher Walken’s singing in Hairspray I’m never not thinking about Christopher Walken in Hairspray so this one will be hard…

– You decide, what the hell, you believe in fairies, too

-Any time Allison Williams looks scared

-Any time Tiger Lily or one of the Indians does something “problematic” See Coachella post on Kardashians in headdresses

-Any time Captain Hook’s hat falls off

-Any time Captain Hook’s hook falls off #tbt to the time I played Lumière in Beauty and the Beast and one of my candlesticks fell off my hand during Mrs. Potts’ big moving moment singing the titular song

-Any time a lost boy or a pirate trips

Chug like a boss:

-Every time you question the choice of fishnets on Peter’s sleeves

-Every time you or someone else screams out “yarrr!” like a pirate Well, this bottle’s gonna go by quickly

– Any time you question the sexual tension between Peter and Captain Hook

-Any time a wire breaks

-Any time Allison Williams’ lips look tired from maintaining a British accent

-Any time you wonder, “Did they do that on purpose?”

Please drink, sing and dance responsibly. To a night soon forgotten.

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