Keeping Up With Jesus

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Ahh Easter, my favorite holiday. Yes, in the past 5 years, this jew has been to church on Easter 4 times, and temple…well let’s just say not that many times. And while I had to miss out on my baskets of candy and toys this year, the Easter Bunny did bring a present in the form of another edition of The Kardashians Doing Nothing Is News! Yes the Kardashian-Jenner-West-I don’t give a fuck outing to church is plastered all over the internet, and it’s all about the fashion. Duh 

While the range is clearly Klassic and Appropriate Kourtney to Kompletely Inappropriate Kendall, let’s start with some middle ground.

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The Kardashian-Wests. For someone who’s lately completely naked, completely covered, or some weird combination of the two, Kimmy seems very appropriate. I don’t know what the policy on shoulders is in non-Catholic church but regardless…. well done Kim. Kanye…..is Kanye even allowed in a church? I mean, Yeezus (I know he semi-explained that one), I Am A God, plus this little cover? Isn’t the second commandment all about having no other Gods and not worshipping false idols? I’m just saying, like everyone steals and cheats and disobeys their parents sometimes, but those are pretty big ones to fuck with. Yeezus’ ripped t-shirt and jeans seem a little inappropriate but look what else he’s getting away with….if I were him I wouldn’t be respectful towards God either. As for North, it seems like her dress is not as crisp a white as Mommy and Daddy’s outfits and I have to say I really expected better.

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Before I get to Miss Kendall, let’s just see if there’s anything else we need to discuss. Kourt clearly didn’t care about the white memo and I love it. She looks wonderful. And thankfully they didn’t drag resident Jew Scott to church, although it really is a shame because I’d have loved to see him in a nice seersucker suit. Kris looks unusually appropriate. And I don’t even know where all these other men are coming from but apparently one is Kris’ bf and one is Kylie‘s even though they’re about the same age. (Yes, the one with the kid is 17 year-old Kylie’s man). Khloe‘s outfit is wayyyy to tight, which given the amount of weight she’s lost recently means she went out and got a whole new wardrobe that’s 2 sizes too small for her at her thinnest.

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Kendall Kendall Kendall.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this outfit. Like love. It’s everything. The problem is not the wear it’s the where. I know as a model she has a responsibility to be fashion forward but there’s a more appropriate way. This isn’t just midriff, there’s belly button showing! I mean if Taylor Swift wouldn’t wear it, it’s probably not church appropriate. And while anywhere else I’d see that as a chic halter, on the holiest day of the year I see it as a boob strap. Come on you can do better! You would have been better off with a Jesus is my Homeboy T-shirt. I was going to do a list of the only 5 things less appropriate than Kendall’s outfit or 5 things surprisingly more appropriate for Easter services than Kendall’s outfit but that seems like a lot of work to make fun of an outfit I really like. But as a wise man* once said, You don’t respect my religion? I don’t respect your outfit.

 

*Scott Disick

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Baby Got Back(pack)

tumblr_m3ewl2gy9p1qhw4wvo1_5001Chastity may love her Sketchers but only because she doesn’t have a Prada backpack

Look, I’m not going to judge anyone based on what they carry their books in. Except in some cases, in which I totally am. Roller backpacks come to mind. Unless you’re a pharmaceutical rep, just no. You look like you’re on your way to the airport, most likely for a trip to the national dork convention. Let’s look at some of our other options– I give you a whirlwind tour of totes and purses through the years and of course a look at the backpack itself.

Canvas Totes

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When I was in middle school, it was about time to graduate from a backpack to a tote. Canvas totes were all the rage as bookbags but if you really wanted to fit in/look cool, you needed one from Dylan’s Candy Bar in NYC. They came in  a few basic colors- white, black, blue, and pink. This may have just been thing at my school, started by someone after a trip back east, but nonetheless it was a trend I had no intention of missing out on.. I’m beginning to fear that I have been coming off in this blog as a slave to fads, but as I said this was when I was 12, and honestly back then I pretty much was. Anyway, the bag was actually a practical size for carrying books, and even as a gym or overnight bag. Not much of a purse though outside of academic and light luggage usages. Sure, over the years there have been other canvas bags (I often use this Thursday Friday Birkin tote), but my pink Dylan’s will always be the one that started it all.

LeSportsac

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Another trend that took over the halls all of a sudden. These were actually great, maybe because LeSportsac is a luggage company. They were weatherproof and the straps were meant not to break under the weight of textbooks (and maybe a laptop if you were fancy). They came in a variety of colors and patterns— I of course rejected every pattern my mom suggested as we browsed the brand’s corner in Bloomies and went with a really pretty solid deep purple. Pencil pouch to match, duh. They may have been built to last but they weren’t immune to the wear and tear of everyday use. By the end of it’s tenure, my trusty tote was frayed and thinned.

Longchamp

Longchamp Le Pliage Large Handbag Navy

 

I fell like these are a more mature  version of LeSportsacs. Identifiable by the leather straps and flap that folds over the zipper, they were more expensive but had a sleeker look to them than Lesportsacs. These are still all over the place, whether being used as bookbags, luggage, or even quite often, purses.

Chanel

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I’m Marissa fucking Cooper. Well, basically. A few years ago I got this great vintage navy Chanel tote and of course, began to carry my notebooks in it. Nothing to do with the label, I just really liked it. But don’t think for one second I didn’t realize that I was emulating what I saw as one of the coolest but also most ridiculous things in the holy grail of television that was The O.C.

Goyard St. Louis/Louis Vuitton Neverfull

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You see these around a lot. I tried it for a bit but the lack of zipper proved to be too problematic. Also it always felt a bit flimsy to me. If you live somewhwhere where you don’t have the obstacle of rain or snow, go for it. But personally, I’m going to reserve my Goyard for social use and  transporting changes of clothes/shoes to soul cycle. Bonus: Major beach bag potential

Hemes Birkin/Kelly

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10-1 odds it’s fake. 100-1 odds you’re not fooling anybody. If it’s real…..STFU GTFO.

Jelly Kelly

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Yeah, I had one. (I stole it from my mom—it actually was not like a gross one—well as not gross as a Jelly Kelly can be). Yeah, I carried books in it for like 2 days. It was an experiment—sue me.

Jansport

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Finally we get to the classic backpack. This of course leads to the ever-present 1 strap or 2 dilemma, but let’s save that for another time. Everyone has had a Jansport at some point or another. Who doesn’t have the memory of the overwhelming cluster of them in Sports Chalet. The key was to find something cuter/more unique than the basic black but not go near some of the ugly, aggressive patterns. It wasn’t easy. I scored a beige corduroy and it was awesome. Later on I got this studded one which is still pretty sick. Anyway, the way this article came up is that I’ve been looking to buy a new one. Pretty sure I’ve settled on this one:

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If you take anything at all from this blog post, please know that this is a conscious, ironic fashion choice. If you see me around, know that I do not think I’m being trendy with velvet fur, please know that this just reminds me of the Spice Girls and a backpack I used to have in which I kept the Aqua single Barbie Girl.

Finally an “Ew Mention:”

Vera Bradley

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Honestly I never saw anyone use one of these but apparently they were a thing on the east coast? One word: No.

Shit, I fell in love

About a month ago, I fell in love. Head over heels in love. With a pair of shoes. Now normally, I would have clarified “no pun intended” after the head over heels comment, as well as after the title of the post (you’ll see why in a sec), but since finding my soulmate in a pair of shoes is so very Carrie Bradshaw, I might as well embrace her in all her punny greatness.

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Del Toro #TheShit Loafer via ModaOperandi.com (not currently available)

Yup, that’s them. That pair of shoes completely stole my heart. Designers Edie Parker and Del Toro collaborated on an entire M’OTICONS collection of loafers and clutches. Sure I loved the see no evil, hear no evil monkeys, and that heart-eyed cats were near perfect, but something just clicked inside me when I saw those adorable poops staring up at me from a pretty dusty blue slipper. Love at first sight is real guys, it happened to me. And I didn’t even realize til later they were actually named #TheShit. I don’t know if it was the quirkiness or maybe the cuteness I had never notices on my tiny iPhone screen. Maybe there was a feeling of rebellion in spending $340 on a pair of glorified slippers with literally piles of crap on them.

But when you know, you know, and I knew. I wasn’t about to let true love slip between my fingertips. I didn’t want to be some old lady on her deathbed, looking back at her life and the one that got away. Preorder seems so long ago, but I guess minutes feel like hours and days feel like weeks when you’re waiting for the one you love. Like Billy Crystal said in When Harry Met Sallywhen you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

They still haven’t arrived. It’s like I’m standing at the top of the Empire State Building waiting for them to come prove they love me to, but as each minute goes by, time starts feeling longer and I become less certain that I’ll ever see my loves again.

And while I am completely devoted to my one true love, that doesn’t mean I can’t look right? So let’s talk loafers (or smoking slippers, or whatever you want to call them). Raise your hand if you have a pair with a skull, or that looks like a dog or cat or mouse…..everyone raised their hand, right? If you didn’t, go check out Alexander McQueen, Charlotte Olympia, and Marc by Marc Jacobs. But heres the thing, there are s many edgier styles out there…let’s explore!

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Left:  Stubbs & Wootton College via StubbsandWootton.com

Right: Del Toro x Disney Pinocchio Embroidered Limited Edition Collaboration Slipper via DelToroShoes.com

I’ve wanted the “screw you” Stubbs for a while now. I think they’re fun because they’re edgy without being outright crude. Guys, I’m having a realization that maybe my dirty mouth is so out of control I want my shoes to scream obscenities as well…. oof. Oh well, another intervention for another time. The Pinocchio ones, on the other hand, are pretty darn innocent (oh get your mind out of the gutter, yes, you!), but still there is something very cool to them. They’re whimsical yet dark…. just like a smiling poop emoji! Anyway, there are tons more ranging from the expensive at Stubbs & Wootton and Del Toro to the much more affordable at Asos.com. Happy hunting! I’ll just be here, waiting for my true love to come!

The Most Fashionable Cheat Sheet (for Fifth Grade Science)

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CHRISTOPHER KANE Buttercup embellished cashmere sweater via Net-A-Porter.com

I’ve been drooling over this sweater since it came down the runway in September as part of the amazing Christopher Kane’s Spring 2014 Collection. Besides being a phenomenal way to cheat on your fifth grade science test, this sweater is at the same time not only quirky and winky, but also absolutely beautiful. It is shown as form fitting but I would love to wear this as a loose sweater that teeters across the line between baggy and being able to swim in it. While the runway skirt is absolutely TO DIE FOR, I see this as an extremely versatile piece. If baggy, I’d love to see this with a pair of cropped cigarette or even boyfriend jeans and a great pair of tan d’orsay flats, like these Tory Burch ones. It would also look great with cutoffs or a fun skirt– go for a pattern! I can’t guarantee your teacher will let you take a bio test in this, but I bet if you wore it to class you’d get some extra points somewhere!

** DON’T CHEAT PEOPLE. I don’t know why I condone less, cheating or buying a fifth grader a $1500 sweater!