Miss Me?

Arrested Development. Gilmore Girls. Twin Peaks.Will and Grace. Crying in Ubers.

All beloved pop culture institutions. 2 cult tv shows, 2 critical and commercial hit programs, and 1 blog that has multiple subscribers and has been called “good” and “funny” by my dad (but also probably, “wildly inappropriate”*) and has been ‘liked’ by serial Facebooker, my mom. As I said, pop culture institutions.

They all also took a break before a triumphant return to appease public demands. Netflix did a new season of Arrested 7 years after it was originally canceled and we got more Gilmore Girls after it being off-air for 9 years, because apparently that’s how long it took us to forget how f-ing annoying Rory is. There will be new seasons of Twin Peaks and Will and Grace this year after 25+ year and 11 year hiatuses, respectively.

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And lastly, 15 months to the day after my last post, I am back to give my adoring and loyal fans what they’ve been waiting for. I’m sorry, did I hear you scoffing at that? No I didn’t over the sounds of people literally cheering with excitement….And also because I’m not hovering over people forcing them to read this because while it’s been established that I’m insane…actually nevermind that sounds exactly like something I would do and also why else would you even be reading this? Well, just FYI I have been getting a lot of feedback from fans begging for new posts…here is a direct quote:

“If you’re going to just sit around all day doing nothing, you might as well write for your blog or whatever. Or clean your room. Also, did you steal my credit card and/or know anything about all these charges at SugarfishDiptyque, and the App Store for Candy Crush Soda Saga?” -Anonymous

If that’s not basically Roswell fans sending the WB thousands of bottles of TabascoI don’t know what is.

Okay, fine. I’m not delusional. I know I’m no Will and Grace or Arrested Development. Realistically, Crying in Ubers is the blog version of American Idol. No one was asking to bring AI back after only ONE YEAR off-air. No one. And even before we thought we were done with it forever, it hadn’t been great/that appealing in quite a while. But I’ll be damned if AI, and metaphorically, Crying In Ubers, wasn’t one of the highest rated shows of all time that changed TV as we know it and launched the careers of superstars like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Hicks.**

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NO. Bad Internet. JUST NO

So sure, we might all be rolling our eyes (while secretly hoping ABC brings back Brian Dunkleman to help cover in case Ryan Seacrest‘s time turner malfunctions), but even if my blog is the Kara DioGuardi years, I’m still raking in tons of views and beaucoup bucks.***

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I was going to write something funny but I got so bored I fell asleep

After all this I’m back talk, you may be wondering why the break in the first place. Or, possibly, if I didn’t catch all the times I accidentally typed I’m black, you might be very confused and wondering if I read Rachel Dolezal‘s memoir one too many times. Note: I read it 6+ times (for work), so you decide if that’s too many.

Anyway, I don’t know what to tell you. I just haven’t had the ideas, or motivation, or inspiration or whatever. I think I just lost my funny. You have to be funny in the first place in order to stop being funny….BAM! Beat you to it!

I have always said if there is one character from film, tv, or literature to whom I am most similar it is Austin Powers. This whole not being funny/being able to write is just like when Fat Bastard steal’s Austin’s mojo. I’ve lost my mojo. And just like Austin, this is preventing me from banging Heather Graham

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The resemblance is uncanny….although my chest is a lot more hairy

I may not be fully there yet….I really do wish I had made my grand return with a funnier post…but I’m on my way. So, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I return. So grab your tissues and embrace your inner psycho. And if you’re an uber driver in LA and you hear hear sobbing in the backseat as you make your way from any number of bars to Beverly Hills, don’t be alarmed…the bitch is back.

To my loyal fans (read: mom and dad), I promise I will make you laugh again, and so help me God, I will boink FHM‘s 97th Sexiest Woman in the World of 2002.

*Pls see my reasoning for not wanting to give a dude “a blowie” while watching a Kevin James movie….and no, it is not that Kevin James on a Segway isn’t a turn on, because duh, it totally is. Kevin James on a Segway is also the name of my future band or a sex act I am going to invent. Or both.

**I was going to go with someone funnier like Sanjayabut that seemed too obvious. Plus, I would just like to remind everyone that this opposite-of-a-silver-fox won.

***No, I have not in any way monetized this site. Except that I pay for my domain name, so I literally am making negative dollars a year.

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Before and Beyond the Kardashians…Reality TV: A Retrospective

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Remember when reality shows started to take over television? We all joked that eventually we’d just be watching people sitting around watching TV. Well, apparently that’s what it’s come to. The People’s Couch on Bravo is just that. Yes, it’s based on a British show, so we can’t blame this entirely on cutie-pie shark Andy Cohen…but still. Personally, I would develop my own show called Meta, which is of course just me watching The People’s Couch…while I have no doubt it would be a hit, you could not pay me enough to actually watch an episode of TPC. Anyway, seeing an ad for TPC inspired to take a look at some of the best and worst reality TV and see how we got ourselves to this point.

The Simple Life

Say all you want about Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie— actually don’t I will defend them to the death– but at least they did something on their show. The Simple Life was no Kardashians sitting at home talking about how annoying Kim is being about her new Bentley (that is a real episode, people)– this was Paris and Nicole sitting on a farm talking about how cool a Bentley tractor would be. Really The Simple Life was deep: it took us into the homes of rural America. And they did  something. They worked. They made differences in people’s lives. They lived on a farm in Arkansas, road tripped ’round the country, worked for an airline, a mortuary, a summer camp, all while staying with regular families– including Ke$ha’s!* (That’s hot) We watched Nicole go from chubby with ratty extensions and black streaks to anorexic** and bobbed. Ugh, remember that season when they were fighting and had to do the show separately? Sure the competition and staged confrontation were fun, but like it was just so stressful for us. Were you Team Paris or Team Nicole? Don’t worry I’ll do celebrity feuds soon. 

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Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Ugh. The first family of reality TV. I know the title implied that this wouldn’t be about them, but it wouldn’t be a Komplete look at reality TV without mentioning the omnipresent Kardashians. First of all, I highly suggest you go back and watch earlier seasons. RIP Kim and Reggie Bush (true soul mates #NoDisrespectToKanye #NoDisrespectToBenAffleck). It’s amazing to see how different everyone looked back then. Rob was thin and cheating on a Cheetah Girl (how dare he?!!). Plus, Bruce Jenner was still a man. They also manufactured stories a lot more dramatic, whereas now we’re so invested in this family we’re content to watch them do literally nothing but deal with their relationships. I think in Judaism we don’t believe in the devil, but I’m pretty sure they’ve changed those teachings since we’ve been introduced to Kris Jenner. Are we sure she isn’t Rosemary’s Baby? Let’s not even deal with Bruce– I can’t. Ditto for Kendall and Kylie, like shut up literally the most spoiled brats, at least make a fucking sex tape like a hardworking Kardashian.*** Obviously Lord Disick is a God and is the only reason I watch. Kourtney is the luckiest “doll” on Earth. Although, it’s hilarious Scott and Khloé are bffs, weren’t they enemies earlier on? Speaking of KoKo, yes the circumstances of her split with Lamar are horrible, but everyone is saying how no one her age should have to get divorced– um hello KIM IS ON HER THIRD HUBBY! Speaking of which, if she couldn’t end up with Reg (ugh they were just so perfect and cute), I think she should have stayed with the Hump. LOL Ray J.

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Talent Competitions

Let’s be real, for every Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, there are 10 Taylor Hickses and Fantasias. American Idol was great at the beginning, but maybe it’s time to bow out. The Voice got me back into singing shows– the revolutionary format was enticing…until you realized that after the auditions it was pretty much the same. The judges dynamic was enough to bring views in (Blaaaaaaaake), something they’ve tried to mimic with new judges on AI and The X Factor, but I’m not biting. America’s Got Talent, however, is a family event in the Rez House. It’s a true talent show, but can get aggravating to see who’s auditioning– I’m sorry but you’re competing for a show in Vegas– no one is going to Vegas to see a contemporary dance troop of 10 year olds or a preteen playing piano. ALSO THE PLATE FLIPPER FROM THE CLIPPERS GAMES!! Highlights are always comics and magicians- also those dogs that won and my personal favorite, the guy whose talent was getting hit in the balls! Other faves are Last Comic Standing and the ever-wonderful Project Runway. Project Runway was just so original and the characters are just the best. ANTM is also great if you need a good laugh…Oh Tyra. Also let’s be real Shark Tank is the shit–a) it makes Mark Cuban likable and b) Robert Herjavec is amazing (yum). Finally, Chopped is my favorite show ever.

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Dating Competition Shows

Fox recently cancelled I Wanna Marry Harry midseason, and I’m very upset about it. First of all, how could you leave us hanging like this, Fox? Obviously it only had the potential for one season, couldn’t you just stick it out? And, America, why weren’t y’all watching? How could you not wany to see a bunch of girls dumb enough to believe not only that FOURTH IN LINE TO THE THRONE OF ENGLAND decided to televise a bunch of Yanks competing for his love?? Firstly, like why were they not suspicious that he was into all these brunettes… EVERYONE KNOWS HARRY ONLY GOES FOR BLONDES. I mean it’s one this to believe the premise, but these girls spent time with the impostor and still believed he was Prince Harry! It was Joe Millionaire (which made it 2 seasons) but with competitors dumber than Paris, Nicole, and Kim combined! I’ve never seen The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, but I can’t imagine them being any more entertaining than this. I at least have some respect for shows like Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, I Love New York, etc. because at least they’re not pretending to be anything they’re not. All these women on all these shows are batshit crazy.

Real Housewives

Has anyone ever noticed that the majority of the Housewives aren’t even wives? Nothing wrong with being single, but maybe Andy Cohen should have named it (Sort of) Real (Sort of) Rich Women? I started watching these when Beverly Hills came out (although also extremely misleading because I think literally 1 of them actually lives in BH, but I get the brand-name recognition). Like sorry but it hasn’t been worth it since the best character, Paul Nassif, left. TG he has a new show on E!, Botched. Yeah, at the beginning we were all obsessed with Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle Richards–we were all like OMG Mauricio is such a DILF, but I’m so over it. I do love RHOA though. I miss Kim though. Also, how exactly did NeNe become a star again? She is literally the worst actor and the most annoying person alive. Like obsessed with everyone else though. The greatest jewel of the franchise was the short-lived RHODC. In all fairness I only saw the reunion and maybe a couple of episodes, but White House Crasher Mikaela Salahi should have made it a hit. Bravo finally nixed the RH title with their new shows Ladies of London– which is essentially a Real Housewives and is actually pretty great.

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My Super Sweet 16

Hilary Duff sang the theme song so every episode started off perfectly. (Wasn’t Come Clean the Laguna Beach theme? HilDuff really carved out a niche for herself on MTV) Who didn’t start planning their own 16th after each episode? The kids were brats but, like, entertaining brats. A girl’s party took over an entire school, but like I feel like that didn’t happen at my high school. I would have loved to see My Super Sweet Bat Mitzvah, and I hate to admit it, but I could have easily been on that. For sure, my tantrums were bigger than some on the show, and my party was just as extravagant as some on the show. #TBT to my Bat Mitzvah drama– I had originally listed a bunch of stuff but I think this deserves its own post down the road… here’s a taste though: at one point, my dad offered me any car I could ever want (a la Sweet 16) to get me to stop crying! (I also forgot to bring a bra which got inappropriate) Most importantly though, America’s Sweetheart and my future BFF Jennifer Lawrence was in a commercial!

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Laguna Beach/The Hills

I’ve actually never seen any of these so not much I can say. Having said that, I do know who Lauren Conrad, Brody Jenner, Kristen Cavallari, Speidi, etc. are. What is kind of amazing about this is that these shows completely created celebrities out of nothing (but maybe the popularity of The O.C.). We already knew Paris and Kim (quite intimately) when The Simple Life and KUWTK first aired, but LC was just a high schooler who is now a “fashion designer” and “published writer.”

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Storage Wars

People complain that A&E will make shows about literally anything, but Storage Wars is a goldmine. My cousin introduced me to it when we were in Hawaii and we spent literally an entire day inside watching a marathon– it may have been the best day of the trip. Barry is one of the most entertaining characters on TV, and I’m pretty sure his sole reason for doing this is to make friends, and boy has he. There’s also a married couple on the show who fight so much that their poorly matched relationship could be its own show. Except no one would watch because they’re so annoying– then again we’re on Season 9 of KUWTK.

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Newlyweds/Chaotic, etc.

The general takeaway from the Newlyweds was that Jessica Simpson was dumber than dumb (or was at least pretending to be) and that Chicken of The Sea was in fact fish, not chicken. The real takeaway, however, should have been DO NOT DO A REALITY SHOW IF YOU WANT TO STAY TOGETHER. (I’d worry about you, Giuliana and Bill, if I cared enough about you) Reality shows lead to divorce. Don’t believe me? Just ask Britney and K-Fed, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker, the Gosselins, Hulk Hogan, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, Tori and Dean (maybe), hell even Khloe and Lamar had their own show. The exception that proves the rule is clearly Ice Loves Coco, which chronicles real, honest to god, true love.

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The Real World

I’ve never seen it but I thought I had to include it because I feel like it really is the foundation of reality TV. I’m putting it last instead of first because I want to talk about the fact that they tried to make reality movies a thing. The Real Cancun came out in theaters and everyone was afraid that film was dead. It didn’t catch on though. Which I think is really interesting and one day I’ll have to sit down and watch it and maybe gain some insight why. I think we’re good on that front until we have The People’s Couch: The Movie, which is just people watching the last Divergent film and the new Judd Apatow movie.

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RIP and TBT

#RIP and #TBT to some of my faves: Beauty and the Geek, Dirty Soap, BridalPlasty, The Girls Next Door (the original with Holly Bridget and Kendra), Scream Queens, Pretty Wild, and of course Princesses: Long Island.

SHABBAT SHALOM. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

*Yes, I know she’s Kesha now, but she’ll always have the dollar sign to me

**Allegedly! Nicole Richie has said she does not have an eating disorder

***Just a side note, I love how Kim is always being referred to (by herself as well) as a workaholic

Ed note: I got really freaked out scrolling past the Super Sweet 16 gif thinking it was me–she looks eerily like me when I was about 15