Crying in DeLoreans

For at least the last 5 years, every 6 months or so people claim it’s “Future Day,” aka someone has photoshopped the display date on time machine from Back To The Future Part II. It circulates like wildfire on Facebook, some idiot websites/news services pick it up, and everyone from celebrities to alleged superfans make it a Twitter trending topic. I am the first to be like Bitch, PleaseI would have stuck to my guns at the very least that it was October 2015 even if I had Robert Zemeckis and Michael J. Fox telling me otherwise.* But kids, it’s finally here. We are officially living in the fucking future!

#nofilter

I guess you can say I’ve seen the BTTF movies a lot. If a lot is a psychotic amount. I’m like know every line, read every website/book/piece of trivia, just this year wrote a paper for school on it obsessed. Like had for a very long time wanted to get married at the clocktower courthouse** When the Universal Studios fire happened in 2008, I was not worried about potential ruin to Universal Music masters (aka my dad’s livelihood), but priority #1 was how is Hill Valley?! I’m thinking about taking a trip to Japan solely because the Back To The Future ride is still open there, despite the fact that simulation rides make me violently ill. You know in How I Met Your Motherthey say “if you’re not trilling it at least once every three years, the dark side wins?” Well, they really should have been talking about BTTF not Star Wars.

Sweeping declaration:

If you’re not trilling it at least every 3 MONTHS, Biff wins you’re tacky and I hate you.

The only fan I ever thought could match me was Seth McFarlane, but he let me down just like they all do when he had Doc Brown show up in A Million Ways To Die In The West which is set in 1882, when Doc clearly didn’t arrive in the Old West until 1885.*** Seth does a disgustingly good Marty McFly though, so wash.

Anyway, I’ve been preparing for this day half my life. I was supposed to be graduated by now and my dad was going to get me a DeLorean for the day, but I’m stuck in Philadelphia learning about international business ethics and electoral systems. Regardless, I am celebrating in style.

I got my Casio Calculator Watch, my orange puffer over a denim jacket a nearly identical plaid shirt with maroon undershirt, and my pockets turned out.† Plus, I have my horrible, yet painstakingly made, Mattel Hoverboard. Notice I’m not holding a Pepsi Perfect not because I am Diet Coke to the death and would never get so close to a pepsi product, but because my internet made me miss the flash sale at midnight/also it wouldn’t have arrived yet duh. Spoiler alert: this is my Halloween costume. When worn by someone hot, the sexy version is called the Marty Mc So Fly.

Anyway, it may be what everyone else on the freaking internet is doing, but let’s take a look at how our 2015 matches up with Bob Gale’s.

Baseball

Fucking World Series Winning Cubs

Look, I worked at a baseball agency one summer, but I usually do not give a fuck about baseball. But boy am I rooting for the Cubbies! The only times they’ve actually won the World Series were in 1907 and 1908. And now, in 2015, they’re still in in the semi-finals! Here’s the bad news, they now have to win 4 in a row to get to the finals. So basically it is beyond unlikely they’ll actually win the series, but at this point still a possibility. Here’s what I do know: if they lose tonight, they’re out. So my message to the Mets is if you kick the Cubs out of the playoffs ON Back to the Future Day, you are basically terrorists, Seriously Mets, throw the fucking game. Fun fact: In BTTF2‘s 2015, the Cubs beat Miami in the finals–which was particularly surprising since Miami didn’t have a pro baseball team in the 80’s. Guess who does currently have an MLB team? You guessed it, Miami! Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis are basically the baseball versions of that World Cup Octopus. One more fulfilled sports prophecy: they predicted an entire sport- Slamball. In the wise words of Karen Smith: It’s like they have ESPn or something!

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I can’t say that I wasn’t beyond disappointed when designers didn’t show inside out pants or outside pockets in 2015/6 presentations. Rick Owens (stunningly) gave us human backpacks, but Kanye, who spent thousands on a pair of Nike’s Back To The Future limited editions, couldn’t turn a pocket out in his Yeezy presentation? Granted, nude body suits don’t have pockets but you could have added a nod! Jeremy Scott? Nothing? I’m not faulting anyone for opting out of the double tie. As I mentioned, Nike made Marty’s sick shoes, so I guess we’re just waiting for tech savvy jackets. Our Canada Gooses will have to do for now.

 Queen Diana (and Madam President)

This is obviously a sad one. At the time, Princess Diana was still married to Charles, and of course still alive. Plus, people didn’t know Queen Lizzie would still be a boss bitch. I was going to write this post at the beginning of 2015 when I resolved to write more as a what to expect this year. At the time, I thought a Queen Diana could technically be possible by now since Kate was knocked up with 4th in line to the throne. I didn’t know if it would be a girl named Diana who somehow ended up queen at 5 months old with a planned trip to Washington…how could I? As for a woman president….well technically the headline predicting that one is from tomorrows newspaper. Attorney General Loretta Lynch is 7th in the presidential succession line, so god forbid something happened to Obama and his first 6 successors, we could have a woman prez tomorrow.

Fun Fact: US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter is 6th in line, so haha Jack Donaghy!

Even Funner Fact: Ashton Carter’s full name is Ashton Baldwin Carter, so….are we calling Illuminati or what?

Hoverboards

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Hey. they may not be as cool as the ones Mattel crushed a generation of dreams with (or Griff’s Pitbull), but there’s no doubt “hoverboards” are a super hot trend for real this year.

Jaws 19

I love the Jaws movies. Especially the 11% Rotten Tomatoes rated Jaws 3-D. It may even be my favorite. Two words: Dennis. Quaid. (Oh! and BTTF Star Lea Thompson!) It’s a campy precursor to Blackfish. But its successor in the franchise, Jaws: The Revenge? Even I, the ultimate lover of bad movies, cannot even get through it no matter how many times I start it. There’s just a point a few minutes in where I, and not even in my usual white girl way, literally cannot. So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m glad this was just a joke. But like culturally…..Shark Week? I mean, I guess there’s something there.

80’s Nostalgia

Not so much right now as in recent years, but the 80’s are definitely back in that cocaine is definitely a thing. Right?

General Futureness/Technology

In BTTF2’s 2015, weathermen are 100% accurate down to the minute. Ummm this couldn’t be further from realistic today. I can’t even tell you how many times Siri has fucking betrayed me. It’s not even funny.

I mean we obviously don’t have flying cars or anything like that, but I’m pretty sure Limited Too sold me an alarm system for my bedroom that used my fingerprint the same way the houses of the future did. I mean I guess this is maybe an instance where Siri lives up to BTTF‘s expectations. Goddamn Siri. Also, lol fax machines in 2015.

I guess what I’m saying is that today’s a big day for me. I always figured today would come and everything would be all right, but after today the future’s just a big ole ball of uncertainty. Wow….I got really deep there. People should take me more seriously. I’m a real thinker. Oh and P.S., Lyft is offering DeLorean rides in New York. If I didn’t have those classes I was talking about, I would 1,000% be there and Crying in Lyfts. P.P.S. Let’s pretend I posted this at 4:29 pm PST.


*I am so sorry, I would never disrespect you Robert Zemeckis. You either, MJF. You’re a freaking national treasure (even if you are from Canada) This is the one time I am no Larry David!

**Outside, of course, since I’ve known it was a facade since I was a kid. Even though I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the downside to my dad driving me around the Universal Studios backlot as a kid was losing a bit of the movie magic. That and the fact that I still haven’t recovered from the trauma of seeing Woody Woodpecker walking around with his head in his hand.

***Yes, I understand it was winky and funny and I’m splitting hairs but come on Seth, how hard would it have been to say your movie took place 3 yrs later? I realized it immediately and it kind of distracted me the rest of the movie. Plus, I totally let it slide that the film took place in Arizona, not CA. Constant reminders to “think 4 dimensionally” prove that this is only a time machine, not Inspector Spacetime‘s phone booth!

†After I was so harsh on Seth you would be right to point out that I’m mixing outfits and this isn’t what Marty wears in the future (even before he dresses like his son he had already lost the vest and jacket) but I don’t care so screw you!

 

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The DIY Guide to A Sexy Cartoon Halloween

It seems like the “sexy” costumes they come up with get more ridiculous every Halloween. And it’s not just the costume companies, I’m guilty of this. Exhibit A (and the only one really): 4 years ago I dressed as Whora The Explorer:

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Because, you know, I’m such a Dora the Explorer fan.

Unfortunately, no one agreed to be the Ho Diego Ho to my Whora, but I survived. If you want this look, It’s all American Apparel and then I got Backpack from Amazon.

I’m not saying you need to go sexy or that these all will be, but I’m taking some inspiration from myself and giving  a few DIY Halloween costumes of cartoon characters:

“I’ll Give You Woody”

Screen Shot 2014-10-26 at 3.14.10 PM

Jacket: Moschino $3,549.85 Top: Topshop $16 Scarf: American Apparel $14 Shorts: Orelabar Brown $148 Boots: Giuseppe Zanotti $897 Hat: Planet Cowboy $270 Belt: Tory Burch $195 Badge: Elope $787

Look, I’m sorry, but the name was just begging for it. The last time I dressed as Woody was in a footie pajama thing and I ran into a brick wall and pretty much broke my nose, so not phenomenal memories but I’m basically over it. Who doesn’t love Toy Story? I think that the new way they test for sociopaths is by seeing if they cry or not during Toy Story 3, but don’t quote me on that. Costume: A cowhide vest is a lot harder to find than you’d think unless it’s an actual Woody costume so I went with this great Moschino jacket. Feel Free to cut the sleeves if you want, or find something cheaper. Look no judgement I don’t know what your into, but at least with these Giuseppe Zanottis lets hope you’re just saying “There’s a snake in my boot!”

Family Guy

Screen Shot 2014-10-26 at 3.46.22 PMStewie: Top: Topshop $50 Shorts: Mango $29.99 Suspenders: Hot Topic $6.39 Meg: Top: Miss Selfridge $21 Shorts: Orelabar Brown $148 Hat: Brian Lichtenberg $48

Sorry no sex puns here. I feel like Stewie should be like a Halloween staple. I was going to do a Hey Arnold! one, but I figured one football head was enough for this post. Feel free to cary around crazy toy lasers and talk in a ridiculous accent. And I guess Stewie is technically a baby and with a crop top and suspenders it’s pretty sexy, so I mean isn’t this reason enough to wear this costume? Now Meg, poor Meg. Everyone hates her and even for a cartoon with Mila Kunis‘ voice she’s no looker. So why not sex her up? Side note: I wanted to do Fairly Odd Parents but for Timmy Turner you can wear this exact same Meg outfit.

Scooby-Doo Me

Screen Shot 2014-10-26 at 4.26.06 PM Shaggy:  Top: Monki $16 Shorts: 7 For All Mankind $60 Velma: Top: Michael Kors $475 Skirt: American Apparel $54 Stockings: American Apparel $15 Glasses: Wildfox $169

Well, let’s get this out of the way…. this is a costume for Shag Me Shaggy. My second favorite Shaggy. You probably need to go as the whole Mystery Gang or at least have a Scooby with you for anyone to get that you’re Shaggy, but Velma might work on its own. It’s certainly better as a group but sexy Daphne and sexy Fred are too obvious. Helllloooooo Sara Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. The Velma look may seem pretty covered up but just remember the shorter the skirt and the more cropped the turtleneck the better. Every episode of Scooby-Doo was basically Halloween—so many costumes. It was always just an old guy dressed up like a ghost. Be sure to be extra meddling if you were these costumes!

QuailMan (Get Some Tail Man?)

Screen Shot 2014-10-26 at 5.09.43 PMSweater Vest: Lands’ End $38 Underwear: Calvin Klein $40 per 3 Leggings: Helmut Lang $920 Belt: Linea Pelle $88 Scarf: Uniqlo $40

I always call him Captain Underpants, but that’s a whole different thing. So, turns out a QuailMan costume is a lot like a Walter White one. Except Doug wears shorts underneath his tighty-whities (thanks prudes at Nickelodeon and Disney)  so you have the excuse for shorts or leggings. You could do a whole Doug group costume, but I dress like Roger on a daily basis so where’s the fun in that? And no, the Q is not included.

There are so many more fun costume ideas but I’ll give everyone a break who made it this far! If you need last minute costumes, American Apparel is always a safe bet. I hate to spoil it but who’s reading my blog anyway…. I’ll either be going as Marty McFly (the sexy version is Marty Mc So Fly) or a Ho-ritto. Yes, that’s a sexy Chipotle Burrito: image1xl

Anyway, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!