A Love Letter to Gwyneth Paltrow: there’s a fine line between love and hate

It’s hard to define Crying in Ubers. Maybe you consider it a comedy blog, maybe you think it’s just some psycho rambling every like 6 months or whatever, but most likely do you don’t even think of it at all. Well, I’d like to think of it as a lifestyle website. So why not mark my triumphant return (sorry I’ve been MIA but literally anxiety stops me from posting literally every time I consider opening my laptop) than with an ode to THE Lifestyle Guru of our generation. No, not Martha, although she was beyooooond hilarious at the Justin Bieber Roast. No, not Oprah. I’m talking Goopy herself, Miss Gwyneth Paltrow.

Look, I get it. It’s a fine line between love and hate. A few months ago I could go on a rant about her on the spot, never mind being unable to suppress an eye roll at every talk show appearance and pull quote posted all over the internet. I was right there with y’all buying a ticket to see Contagion just to watch her die. But now I’m Team Goop all the way.*

Sure, she seems pretentious and unlikable and completely ungrounded in reality. And that fuels the haters. But one morning I woke up and realized, that’s exactly what makes her so great. Don’t we all aspire to be so rich and fabulous and cultured that we can look down on literally all of America? Well, I do. So I’m appointing her my official (and therefore this site’s) life coach.

Why is she officially America’s most hated celeb? I mean she’s bffs with Jay Z and Beyoncè…that used to be enough to give anyone street cred. And don’t stone me here but is she really that different from the CHOSEN couple? Bey poured a bottle of Ace of Spades into a hot tub, and even if it wasn’t really full of champagne, is that really any worse than endorsing a $5,000 juicer or a hangover cure that involves racing between a hot bath and freezing shower?

She can’t connect with “regular” people

gwyneth-paltrow_quote-2-1

I remember a lot of the hating starting when she released her cookbook, My father’s daughter. People were enraged that her recipes called for a wogwynnod burning pizza oven. Even she admitted it was a luxury. And I’m sorry you know when you’re buying a book by Gwyneth Paltrow it’s not Sonja’s microwave cookbook. Like take a fucking chill pill America. Yeah, it does sound like a great investment. And if I ate carbs fuck yes i’d get one too. She fucking owns who she is. If you’re going on Goop, don’t expect to find best buys from Old Navy. That’s not what Goop is. And that’s not what it’s pretending to be. People freaked out because it cost a little over $100K to buy everything on the Goop 2014 Gift Guide. If you look at a gift guide and buy everything then it’s you’re own business buddy. Maybe that’s the upside to having no friends like me, I don’t have to buy all those gifts. Whatever fuck the haters she has great suggestions. Honestly, it would be a crime to not reccommend the Hermès Avalon Blanket when you have the platform to do so. Because as Gwen says, If only we could buy these in bulk. She can’t pretend to be poor but she tries to understand the plight. She took the food stamp challenge. I mean she failed, but she lasted 4 days. Yet, where’s her award and praise? NO FUCKING WHERE. How dare you people not recognize her acheivement.

Food snobbery in general

Goopy once told my current boss, “I would rather die than let my kids eat Cup-a-Soup.” So fine she’s a drama queen. She’s an actress! But it’s not like my mom let me eat it. Honestly until this very moment I had no idea what it was. I thought she was talking about like Top Ramen. After seeing what it really is I don’t think we can really fault her. More recently, Queen G got a collective side-eye from everyone for this fun lil tidbit: “I would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.” Once again, I have absolutely no idea what cheese from a tin is. It sounds disgusting. But I’m not sure I’m ready to give her a complete pass here. Crack? Really? Crack? I get that she’s trying to go as lowbrow as possible here but as much as I love a good exaggeration I think crack is just too far. Come on, Gwyny….couldn’t you have just switched out one letter and said crank? Crystal Meth is just as disgusting and povo. I mean, in the immortal words of Whitney Houston: “Crack is cheap. [You] make too much money to ever smoke crack. Crack is whack!” I get that it’s a subtle nod to it but come on, even in hyperbole you can’t stoop that low Gwyneth. Say that you’d rather smoke crystal. And not any of that primo Walter White blue shit. I mean if you had said I’d rather smoke bottom barrel crystal than eat cheese from a tin, I’d be with you girl but you didn’t and I’ll always have Whitney’s words ringing in my ears.

Vagina Steams

Look, Shailene Woodley told everyone to sun their bag’s and it was the stupidest thing ever. No way no chance I’ll ever be team Shay. But if Gwyneth wants to pay $200 for a vag steam I say you go girl. I don’t care how many doctors are saying it’s BS, I’m all for it. You go naked into a steam room, it’s basically the same deal. And not to get too far into this reporter’s personal life but gosh be darned if a friend and I didn’t let keep our legs tightly crossed in the steam room at the Beverly Wilshire a couple weeks ago.

Workout Routines

Why are people getting their panties in a bunch over how much Gwyneth spends on Tracy Anderson. I’m not gonna get on any high horse spending $30 for less than an hour of Soul Cycle. It takes a lot of work to be the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So I say you go girl. You fucking go.

Conscious Uncoupling

Look, she came up with a term and people called pretentious. I call it a headline for a lifestyle magazine. Cosmo has had way worse euphemisms. Plus it provided ammo for the most wonderful, delicious, and passive aggressive lifestyle guru feud of all time. Jailbird Cake anyone? Now let’s talk post uncoupling. Chris Martin went straight from America’s most hated to most loved, Jennifer LawrenceSome say overcorrection. But what if that’s not the case? What if they’re just way more alike than we think? Maybe I’m praising Gwen, maybe I’m demonizing Jen, but regardless it’s a real thinker.

 

Look, I know Gwyny thinks it’s sexist to compare her to Blake Lively and Reese Witherspoon, but Preserve.us and whatever the hell Reese is calling her site ain’t got nothing on GOOP. Crying in Ubers? Well, we’ll just have to find out won’t we?

Take the quiz: How Gwyneth Paltrow are you? I’m only a little bit of Gwyneth but I’m working on it. Let me know what you scored. The higher the better, because Goopy is God.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/bricesander/id-rather-smoke-crack-than-eat-cheese-from-a-tin?utm_term=.xybv9Zmad

*A note on the line between love and hate: Is it just me, a previously hardcore devoted Hathahater (despite wanting to like her so badly due to our alleged physical resemblance), but did Anne Hathaway come off as likable when she slayed on Lip Sync Battle?

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Do Blondes Have More Fun? Tonight, on 60 Minutes

When graphic tees were in, places like Abercrombie and Fitch and Limited Too put out shirts saying “Brunettes have more fun” and “Redheads have more fun” so us non-blondes wouldn’t feel left out. I never got the Brunettes shirt, which is too bad because it would have gone great with my (ironic?) “Kiss Me I’m Irish” trucker hat. Well I don’t know if “Blondes Have More Fun” is truthful, but I can tell you those consolation shirts were a big steaming pile of lies. One should have said “Redheads are Batshit Crazy” and the other, “Brunettes have no associated stereotypes (that I can think of)”

If I were a better (read: real) journalist I would get out there dye my hair blonde and do a full-on investigative piece. In all fairness, I have been dying to go short and platinum ever since my celebrity doppelgänger looked hot af at the 2013 Met Gala. But I’m a huge wimp that didn’t cut her hair for 5 years after a Locks of Love experience in 8th grade…and even then it was just bangs (see blog tagline), and I’m afraid of long term effects of bleach. Plus the pain…I’ve seen the makeover episodes of America’s Next Top Model I couldn’t even commit to color dipping during the height of the trend since it meant bleaching, same goes for ombre. I did wear a blonde wig to a friends birthday one year so I have a bit of experience, but my brother looked better in it so there’s that.

So apparently Kanye has a Draco fetish….#muse

A post shared by Tom Felton (@t22felton) on

 

So I guess we all know that Kim Kardashian went platinum a couple weeks ago. Because if Kim Kardashian farts it’s front page news. Just kidding, Kimmy has never “gone #2 or passed gas.”* Anyway, she’s rocking the Draco Malfoy.  This is not the first time Kim has dabbled with a lighter color, but the first time she’s gone all out. I don’t think Tom Felton was too far off in his caption, because if I’ve ever seen a Slytherin, it’s Kanye. Sure, there’s plenty of room for dumb blonde jokes but I’d like to think you’d expect a higher caliber of comedy from me.

So….is she having more fun? Well, ever since Kanye took over the Kimbot, there hasn’t been much evidence that she’s been having fun. On Keeping Up, they play her to be the wet blanket of the family. She claims she doesn’t smile because it “causes wrinkles” so it’s no surprise she’s been her usual pouty self since going blonde. Only time will tell.

Speaking of Malfoy, did Draco have more fun than his dark-haired classmates? I mean, Harry was constantly being hunted to be killed and Draco just kind of got to enjoy torturing people, so like… maybe there’s something to it?

A much more drastic change happened in the celebrity hair world that same week though. RIP to the long, flowing, luscious, make every girl jealous locks of Jared Leto. He’s now short and platinum too. But you just know that whatever hair he’s rocking, Jared is having a DGAF fun time.

leto

Jared and the Wests attended Olivier Rousteing‘s Balmain dinner the other night. And I like to think one of two things went on: 1) They hardcore bonded over the obvious or 2) The whole hair thing was a giant elephant (note to self: insert Kim butt joke here?) in the room and it was super awkward.

Actress Lindsay Lohan booking photosFree headshots!

Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay. She’ll always be a redhead at heart and always crazy. Fire Crotch has made the rounds- we’ve seen her trademark red, different shades of blonde (including platinum), brown, and even almost black. So how do we answer the very important question I’m writing this exposé on? Well… In four of LiLo’s glorious mugshots, she’s rocking the hue gentleman prefer. I’m sure there’s a Legally Blonde joke here, there just has to be! Some might say that she can’t possibly be having more fun as a blonde being in jail and all, but I think the opposite. Hello, just think of why she’s there! She’s having the time of her fucking life.** Plus she’s famous so she was in for less time than it takes to bleach her hair and get Mystic Tanned to matched to her orange jumpsuit (she gets a good rate–the DUI special)***. And check out that top center photo…how she get them to let her bring Beyoncé‘s wind machine? Maybe some sort of Lynwood Loyalty rewards program?

TOO BAD MILEY CAN NEVER GO BLONDE BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULD JUST THINK SHE WAS HANNAH MONTANA

I tweeted that the day before Miley went blonde. Psychic much? And at first, I was concerned this would be a legitimate problem. And then that blonde lob went short and buzzed and Miley ditched Hannah forever at the VMAs. I think we can safely say that in the case of Ms. Cyrus, blonde is definitely more fun…some might even argue too much fun. But at least she’s happy….

Finally somebody's not an idiot #fuckyaaaas

A post shared by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

 

The real question is did Hannah Montana have more fun than Miley Stuart? I mean sure Hannah had problems, and Miley had better friends, but Hannah Montana was a fucking rockstar hey hey hey hey!, so I’m going to go with her having more fun. Plus she got to wear a lot of sparkly skinny scarves. I really really want to go on a rant about the potholes and how regardless of a disguise worse than Clark Kent‘s she’d never get away with that secret but I won’t.

Justin Bieber also recently went platinum (no not that, kind….he hasn’t had a certified platinum record since 2013) but like let’s not.

So I mean, based on this very serious analysis, I’m going to say Blondes do have more fun. But, I spent way too much money on an app to make me blonde in a picture and the result is horrifying. But the data doesn’t lie. Facts are facts. If I wanna have more fun, I’m going to have to take the plunge. But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I’ll always be a Blair and a Veronica, but Serena was all fun (not Betty. Fuck Betty) And just a warning in advance, if I am not posting for a while, don’t cry….I’m probably just out having fun.

*Yes, that is a real thing she said. But, so is this: tumblr_nl0r1jqacv1rxoi6po1_500

**I do not condone drinking and driving or stealing or whatever the fuck she’s been doing!

***An Orange Is The New Black joke seemed pretty obvious here, but when talking about skin color it seemed like it could get iffy…