Sex Toys and Aliens: A Childhood Classic Ruined Forever


To all my ladies out there who spend their nights fantasizing about getting it on with E.T., now you can finally take your fetish to the next level with this $900.00 “Erotic Plushie” E.T. sex toy!…. What? No takers? Huh. I don’t even know where to begin. I just have so many questions!

First and probably most importantly, WHY? I had an E.T. doll when I was younger, and even as a huge fan, it creeped the shit out of me. There is no part of me that is looking at this freestanding 22-inch tall doll and thinking hmmm I should light some candles and turn on some Marvin Gaye right now. E.T.’s face was literally modeled after Carl Sandburg, Albert Einstein, and a pug…let’s not even discuss the full-body shot, I’ll just say it’s the stuff nightmares are made of. I have a friend who was so scared of E.T. he couldn’t even go on the Universal Studios ride without crying. Although, to the shop owner’s credit, she really sells the appeal in her description of the item “You’ve grown up and so has E.T.! This alien visitor has personality and sass. His blue eyes are shockingly memorizing and his presence is undeniably realistic.” I’m not sure if she’s talking about the sex doll or the movie character, but either way I’m into sassy and mesmerizing (which is what I’m guessing she meant to say) blue eyes.

Next question: HOW? Like what are the logistics? I’ll admit that I am not particularly well-versed in erotic toys other than what I’ve picked up from TBS reruns of Sex And The City, but even if you were super in to the whole E.T. thing, this just doesn’t seem practical to me. I don’t know, I must have missed the episode of SATC where Samantha banged an ALF puppet. In case you were wondering what separates this from just any creepy alien plush, there is a vibrator in the tip of his finger. “E.T. phone home” may be AFI’s 15th best movie quote ever, but with this doll it’s more like “E.T. phone orgasm.” Oo0h… plus he’s “double stuffed for your pleasure.” Pretty sure there’s a joke here about him something-ing your Reese’s Pieces, but I can’t figure it out so let’s just move on to my next question…

HOW MUCH? Again, I am not an expert on vibrators, but I do know a thing or two about dolls and Universal movie merch, and I’m pretty sure $900 is a little steep for this. Still, the seller says it’s a great gift, which even putting price aside might be questionable. Maybe I just don’t have any friends close enough to drop a grand on a nostalgic 80’s pop culture inspired sex toy for me.

I guess my next and final question has to be, Will someone loan me $900 please?

UPDATE: In the less than 24 hours between writing this entry and posting it online, the item is no longer available. Which is extremely upsetting. I guess someone bought it? It wasn’t me, but if anyone knows the person who did, please give them my contact info, I would like to talk to them very much.

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