We Need To Talk/It’s Not You, It’s Me: Music To My Ears

I can assume most girls reading this are looking for that special guy (or girl) to live happily ever after with. Not me. I just really want someone to break up with me. Of course first I need to snatch myself a beau (which is going to be the biggest struggle), but then I can’t wait to get dumped (which will, let’s face it, not be too hard). And I guess this is the moment that happens when you read every one of my blog posts where you have to ask yourself “WTF is wrong with this bitch?”

It may be a weird thing to want to have happen to you, but I do have my reasoning. Firstly, I have never been really, truly dumped. That isn’t to say I haven’t had my heart broken (or maybe something less dramatic), but I’ve never had a proper boyfriend. Well, I guess not entirely true….The last boyfriend I had was in eighth grade, and he did break up with me….on Valentine’s Day……because “his dog died.”* And despite spending my entire lunch period sobbing and stuffing my face with candy hearts (which I only continued eating after the first one to mask the nasty after taste), pretty sure I got over it by like February 15th.

But, the problem is, music is big for me. (rough transition I know, but just bear with me here) Like emotionally. And I really like breakup songs, even when I’m happy, but especially when I’m sad. And yeah, I can spend the night tucked a way in bed (or in an uber) with a bottle of wine belting my heart out to Adele through tears and tears, but I feel like unless you’ve recently gone from girlfriend to ex it’s not really as culturally accepted. It’s not that I want to be sad, I just want to have some reason to let myself go in the music. Plus, I want to be able to really relate to the lyrics and let them resonate. Shall we explore a few of my favorite tunes?

You Oughta Know- Alanis Morissette

Ahhhhh Alanis. So clearly, we’re starting with the aggressive and the explicit. I of course do not expect to relate to all the specifics in her lyrics: like sorry I’m certainly not going to be the one “going down on you in a theater,” if for at least no other reason than hello….I don’t want to miss any of the movie! I’ll let her give the blowies at Century City, but she’s going to regret having not paid attention to Paul Blart Mall Cop 2,** but I refuse to miss a minute of Kevin James riding around on a Segway attempting to catch his breath mid-“high speed” chase. I mean, I’m also not willing to stop biting my nails just so that they’re long enough to hurt you assuming I move on to a human voodoo doll. But like, yeah, I totally feel you in that chorus Alanis. Like no one’s ever told me they’d love me until they died, but like even if a guy just says hi to me I’m like does she know you told me hi?!! Like how could you be with another girl just one month after showing me basic human decency?!!! Although, I don’t know if I’d get this worked up about Uncle Joey, like unless I was just pissed that it meant I couldn’t hang out on the Full House set and ogle John Stamos.

 Before He Cheats- Carrie Underwood

Okay, so I think it should be clear this has to be like a bad breakup for this to work. I don’t have to be cheated on necessarily, but it would definitely help with a lot of these songs, specifically this one, obvs. Interesting, Carrie accuses the other woman of being a trashy whore while Alanis was basically taunting her ex that his new chick wasn’t whorey enough. Look, if someone cheated on me, I’d probably resort to cyber bullying before busting up their car. What’s going to hurt more? Having to call AAA or me commenting on an instagram without liking it? But that’s not to say I don’t sympathize with the destruction of property. One time I decided I was gonna key someone’s car but it’s too hard to find the right black BMW*** in an LA parking lot so I gave up after like 30 seconds. I don’t know if I’d have access to a baseball bat and I don’t know how much damage my brother’s tennis racket that’s in my car could do, but I do know that my brother would do way worse to me if I wrecked his Babolat. But despite all that, I can definitely get behind the message of this song.

You’re So Vain- Carly Simon

I’d just like to point out that Dax Shepard recently tweeted, “Whether or not he was vain is debatable, but the song was, in fact, about him” and I think we all need to acknowledge the truthfulness of that. Well, right off the bat, I don’t know and never will know how one looks “walking on to a yacht” because I get violently seasick and can’t even look at a boat. Carly continues to sing,”your hat strategically dipped below one eye, your scarf it was apricot” — I’m sorry, but is she singing about Warren Beatty or Lucas Grabeel‘s character in High School Musical? But once I get past all that and change “I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee” to I had some dreams they were clouds in my Oprah Chai Tea and I’m ready to sing along with Carly and Mick about the boy who knowing my taste will most certainly be so vain.

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum

“It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now”? I mean, I can’t relate to a song as much as I can relate to that. I guess there aren’t really explicit references to a defined relationship, but I think we can assume she (is Lady Antebellum a person like Lady Gaga or Lady Edith from Downton Abbey or a band?) is about to drunk call an ex-boyfriend. I also like that it leave room for interpretation…does she want to call him? Snapchat him? Maybe she’s gonna send him a message on Tinder…

Basically Any Taylor Swift Song

Taylor Swift knows what I’m talking about when I say I want to get broken up with. The only difference is she gets dumped by celebs and uses it to become one of the biggest stars in the world and I want to use it to really feel my playlist as I speed down Sunset. Anyway, thank you Tay Tay for giving us the best mid-song spoken dialogue since Britney Spears taught us that there was more historical accuracy to Titanic than just the boat sinking.† Side Note: Speaking of Titanic, I’m not including My Heart Will Go On because let’s be real it’s just too sad. Also, my dad once made fun of me with it with this really gross boy when we were on like a catamaran or raft or something so I’m pissed and scarred by that too. But seriously, nothing is more me than “Ughhhh” and “I just….I mean this is exhausting.” Unfortunately the spoken part of I Knew You Were Trouble was less successful, but the rest is so solid, I’ll forgive you, girl.

Same goes for Adele

The difference between Taylor and Adele is that I really feel for Adele…like she really got her fucking heart broken. Nothing against dating a new celeb every week (okay maybe something), but I don’t think Taylor has ever felt what Adele has. If I ever get to meet Adele, I am just giving her one giant hug and never letting go. I can’t even go into details on her songs because they’re all so freaking good!! I just want to mention that I think Bruno Mars is basically the male Adele I just want them to find each other and also I would have included the amazingness that is Grenade but I didn’t want to bore you with so many songs.

You Were Meant For Me- Jewel

I’m kind of obsessed with this song and it really hit me when Cliff had it on repeat after Mindy dumped him. However, it’s like if this guy is not accepting of me being a slob it was clearly not meant to be and you can sure as hell bet once we broke up I wouldn’t give a shit that I was leaving wet towels on the floor or the cap off the toothpaste or the lights on. Like who does this guy think he is…my dad?

There are of course plenty more, some about breakups, some about makeups, (as I said I didn’t get into My Heart Will Go On or I Will Always Love You, which coincidentally, I have cried to in an uber before, and I omitted another personal favorite, I Will Survive, because I figured you guys were getting bored of reading my shit) and some songs that I want to shout no matter what my mood (read: Livin On A Prayer). But I guess until I get my wish, I’ll just be crying in ubers and inappropriately singing about an exes that aren’t even real exes.

*As awful as the whole thing sounds, I don’t think he really meant that the dog was why he was breaking up with me, just that it was a factor in him having like a rough week or something? Also, why would he have not told his own girlfriend that his dog died? Or did it die that morning? I also really really hope you’re not reading this Jon because I would hate to make you relive that (no sarcasm, dead serious….FUCK NO PUN INTENDED!) And lastly just an FYI we’ve totally made up (not like got back together, but gotten past the fact he broke up with me on Valentine’s Day and how he did it)

**Due out in April 2015!!!!

***Color and make/model have been changed to protect the people involved

†SPOILER ALERT!!! whoops, sorry….. but also maybe that it took place in space?

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Before and Beyond the Kardashians…Reality TV: A Retrospective

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Remember when reality shows started to take over television? We all joked that eventually we’d just be watching people sitting around watching TV. Well, apparently that’s what it’s come to. The People’s Couch on Bravo is just that. Yes, it’s based on a British show, so we can’t blame this entirely on cutie-pie shark Andy Cohen…but still. Personally, I would develop my own show called Meta, which is of course just me watching The People’s Couch…while I have no doubt it would be a hit, you could not pay me enough to actually watch an episode of TPC. Anyway, seeing an ad for TPC inspired to take a look at some of the best and worst reality TV and see how we got ourselves to this point.

The Simple Life

Say all you want about Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie— actually don’t I will defend them to the death– but at least they did something on their show. The Simple Life was no Kardashians sitting at home talking about how annoying Kim is being about her new Bentley (that is a real episode, people)– this was Paris and Nicole sitting on a farm talking about how cool a Bentley tractor would be. Really The Simple Life was deep: it took us into the homes of rural America. And they did  something. They worked. They made differences in people’s lives. They lived on a farm in Arkansas, road tripped ’round the country, worked for an airline, a mortuary, a summer camp, all while staying with regular families– including Ke$ha’s!* (That’s hot) We watched Nicole go from chubby with ratty extensions and black streaks to anorexic** and bobbed. Ugh, remember that season when they were fighting and had to do the show separately? Sure the competition and staged confrontation were fun, but like it was just so stressful for us. Were you Team Paris or Team Nicole? Don’t worry I’ll do celebrity feuds soon. 

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Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Ugh. The first family of reality TV. I know the title implied that this wouldn’t be about them, but it wouldn’t be a Komplete look at reality TV without mentioning the omnipresent Kardashians. First of all, I highly suggest you go back and watch earlier seasons. RIP Kim and Reggie Bush (true soul mates #NoDisrespectToKanye #NoDisrespectToBenAffleck). It’s amazing to see how different everyone looked back then. Rob was thin and cheating on a Cheetah Girl (how dare he?!!). Plus, Bruce Jenner was still a man. They also manufactured stories a lot more dramatic, whereas now we’re so invested in this family we’re content to watch them do literally nothing but deal with their relationships. I think in Judaism we don’t believe in the devil, but I’m pretty sure they’ve changed those teachings since we’ve been introduced to Kris Jenner. Are we sure she isn’t Rosemary’s Baby? Let’s not even deal with Bruce– I can’t. Ditto for Kendall and Kylie, like shut up literally the most spoiled brats, at least make a fucking sex tape like a hardworking Kardashian.*** Obviously Lord Disick is a God and is the only reason I watch. Kourtney is the luckiest “doll” on Earth. Although, it’s hilarious Scott and Khloé are bffs, weren’t they enemies earlier on? Speaking of KoKo, yes the circumstances of her split with Lamar are horrible, but everyone is saying how no one her age should have to get divorced– um hello KIM IS ON HER THIRD HUBBY! Speaking of which, if she couldn’t end up with Reg (ugh they were just so perfect and cute), I think she should have stayed with the Hump. LOL Ray J.

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Talent Competitions

Let’s be real, for every Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, there are 10 Taylor Hickses and Fantasias. American Idol was great at the beginning, but maybe it’s time to bow out. The Voice got me back into singing shows– the revolutionary format was enticing…until you realized that after the auditions it was pretty much the same. The judges dynamic was enough to bring views in (Blaaaaaaaake), something they’ve tried to mimic with new judges on AI and The X Factor, but I’m not biting. America’s Got Talent, however, is a family event in the Rez House. It’s a true talent show, but can get aggravating to see who’s auditioning– I’m sorry but you’re competing for a show in Vegas– no one is going to Vegas to see a contemporary dance troop of 10 year olds or a preteen playing piano. ALSO THE PLATE FLIPPER FROM THE CLIPPERS GAMES!! Highlights are always comics and magicians- also those dogs that won and my personal favorite, the guy whose talent was getting hit in the balls! Other faves are Last Comic Standing and the ever-wonderful Project Runway. Project Runway was just so original and the characters are just the best. ANTM is also great if you need a good laugh…Oh Tyra. Also let’s be real Shark Tank is the shit–a) it makes Mark Cuban likable and b) Robert Herjavec is amazing (yum). Finally, Chopped is my favorite show ever.

harrysSame guy right?

Dating Competition Shows

Fox recently cancelled I Wanna Marry Harry midseason, and I’m very upset about it. First of all, how could you leave us hanging like this, Fox? Obviously it only had the potential for one season, couldn’t you just stick it out? And, America, why weren’t y’all watching? How could you not wany to see a bunch of girls dumb enough to believe not only that FOURTH IN LINE TO THE THRONE OF ENGLAND decided to televise a bunch of Yanks competing for his love?? Firstly, like why were they not suspicious that he was into all these brunettes… EVERYONE KNOWS HARRY ONLY GOES FOR BLONDES. I mean it’s one this to believe the premise, but these girls spent time with the impostor and still believed he was Prince Harry! It was Joe Millionaire (which made it 2 seasons) but with competitors dumber than Paris, Nicole, and Kim combined! I’ve never seen The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, but I can’t imagine them being any more entertaining than this. I at least have some respect for shows like Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, I Love New York, etc. because at least they’re not pretending to be anything they’re not. All these women on all these shows are batshit crazy.

Real Housewives

Has anyone ever noticed that the majority of the Housewives aren’t even wives? Nothing wrong with being single, but maybe Andy Cohen should have named it (Sort of) Real (Sort of) Rich Women? I started watching these when Beverly Hills came out (although also extremely misleading because I think literally 1 of them actually lives in BH, but I get the brand-name recognition). Like sorry but it hasn’t been worth it since the best character, Paul Nassif, left. TG he has a new show on E!, Botched. Yeah, at the beginning we were all obsessed with Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle Richards–we were all like OMG Mauricio is such a DILF, but I’m so over it. I do love RHOA though. I miss Kim though. Also, how exactly did NeNe become a star again? She is literally the worst actor and the most annoying person alive. Like obsessed with everyone else though. The greatest jewel of the franchise was the short-lived RHODC. In all fairness I only saw the reunion and maybe a couple of episodes, but White House Crasher Mikaela Salahi should have made it a hit. Bravo finally nixed the RH title with their new shows Ladies of London– which is essentially a Real Housewives and is actually pretty great.

giphyIt was a Lexus. Her life was ruined.

My Super Sweet 16

Hilary Duff sang the theme song so every episode started off perfectly. (Wasn’t Come Clean the Laguna Beach theme? HilDuff really carved out a niche for herself on MTV) Who didn’t start planning their own 16th after each episode? The kids were brats but, like, entertaining brats. A girl’s party took over an entire school, but like I feel like that didn’t happen at my high school. I would have loved to see My Super Sweet Bat Mitzvah, and I hate to admit it, but I could have easily been on that. For sure, my tantrums were bigger than some on the show, and my party was just as extravagant as some on the show. #TBT to my Bat Mitzvah drama– I had originally listed a bunch of stuff but I think this deserves its own post down the road… here’s a taste though: at one point, my dad offered me any car I could ever want (a la Sweet 16) to get me to stop crying! (I also forgot to bring a bra which got inappropriate) Most importantly though, America’s Sweetheart and my future BFF Jennifer Lawrence was in a commercial!

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Laguna Beach/The Hills

I’ve actually never seen any of these so not much I can say. Having said that, I do know who Lauren Conrad, Brody Jenner, Kristen Cavallari, Speidi, etc. are. What is kind of amazing about this is that these shows completely created celebrities out of nothing (but maybe the popularity of The O.C.). We already knew Paris and Kim (quite intimately) when The Simple Life and KUWTK first aired, but LC was just a high schooler who is now a “fashion designer” and “published writer.”

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Storage Wars

People complain that A&E will make shows about literally anything, but Storage Wars is a goldmine. My cousin introduced me to it when we were in Hawaii and we spent literally an entire day inside watching a marathon– it may have been the best day of the trip. Barry is one of the most entertaining characters on TV, and I’m pretty sure his sole reason for doing this is to make friends, and boy has he. There’s also a married couple on the show who fight so much that their poorly matched relationship could be its own show. Except no one would watch because they’re so annoying– then again we’re on Season 9 of KUWTK.

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Newlyweds/Chaotic, etc.

The general takeaway from the Newlyweds was that Jessica Simpson was dumber than dumb (or was at least pretending to be) and that Chicken of The Sea was in fact fish, not chicken. The real takeaway, however, should have been DO NOT DO A REALITY SHOW IF YOU WANT TO STAY TOGETHER. (I’d worry about you, Giuliana and Bill, if I cared enough about you) Reality shows lead to divorce. Don’t believe me? Just ask Britney and K-Fed, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker, the Gosselins, Hulk Hogan, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, Tori and Dean (maybe), hell even Khloe and Lamar had their own show. The exception that proves the rule is clearly Ice Loves Coco, which chronicles real, honest to god, true love.

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The Real World

I’ve never seen it but I thought I had to include it because I feel like it really is the foundation of reality TV. I’m putting it last instead of first because I want to talk about the fact that they tried to make reality movies a thing. The Real Cancun came out in theaters and everyone was afraid that film was dead. It didn’t catch on though. Which I think is really interesting and one day I’ll have to sit down and watch it and maybe gain some insight why. I think we’re good on that front until we have The People’s Couch: The Movie, which is just people watching the last Divergent film and the new Judd Apatow movie.

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RIP and TBT

#RIP and #TBT to some of my faves: Beauty and the Geek, Dirty Soap, BridalPlasty, The Girls Next Door (the original with Holly Bridget and Kendra), Scream Queens, Pretty Wild, and of course Princesses: Long Island.

SHABBAT SHALOM. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

*Yes, I know she’s Kesha now, but she’ll always have the dollar sign to me

**Allegedly! Nicole Richie has said she does not have an eating disorder

***Just a side note, I love how Kim is always being referred to (by herself as well) as a workaholic

Ed note: I got really freaked out scrolling past the Super Sweet 16 gif thinking it was me–she looks eerily like me when I was about 15