Crying in DeLoreans

For at least the last 5 years, every 6 months or so people claim it’s “Future Day,” aka someone has photoshopped the display date on time machine from Back To The Future Part II. It circulates like wildfire on Facebook, some idiot websites/news services pick it up, and everyone from celebrities to alleged superfans make it a Twitter trending topic. I am the first to be like Bitch, PleaseI would have stuck to my guns at the very least that it was October 2015 even if I had Robert Zemeckis and Michael J. Fox telling me otherwise.* But kids, it’s finally here. We are officially living in the fucking future!

#nofilter

I guess you can say I’ve seen the BTTF movies a lot. If a lot is a psychotic amount. I’m like know every line, read every website/book/piece of trivia, just this year wrote a paper for school on it obsessed. Like had for a very long time wanted to get married at the clocktower courthouse** When the Universal Studios fire happened in 2008, I was not worried about potential ruin to Universal Music masters (aka my dad’s livelihood), but priority #1 was how is Hill Valley?! I’m thinking about taking a trip to Japan solely because the Back To The Future ride is still open there, despite the fact that simulation rides make me violently ill. You know in How I Met Your Motherthey say “if you’re not trilling it at least once every three years, the dark side wins?” Well, they really should have been talking about BTTF not Star Wars.

Sweeping declaration:

If you’re not trilling it at least every 3 MONTHS, Biff wins you’re tacky and I hate you.

The only fan I ever thought could match me was Seth McFarlane, but he let me down just like they all do when he had Doc Brown show up in A Million Ways To Die In The West which is set in 1882, when Doc clearly didn’t arrive in the Old West until 1885.*** Seth does a disgustingly good Marty McFly though, so wash.

Anyway, I’ve been preparing for this day half my life. I was supposed to be graduated by now and my dad was going to get me a DeLorean for the day, but I’m stuck in Philadelphia learning about international business ethics and electoral systems. Regardless, I am celebrating in style.

I got my Casio Calculator Watch, my orange puffer over a denim jacket a nearly identical plaid shirt with maroon undershirt, and my pockets turned out.† Plus, I have my horrible, yet painstakingly made, Mattel Hoverboard. Notice I’m not holding a Pepsi Perfect not because I am Diet Coke to the death and would never get so close to a pepsi product, but because my internet made me miss the flash sale at midnight/also it wouldn’t have arrived yet duh. Spoiler alert: this is my Halloween costume. When worn by someone hot, the sexy version is called the Marty Mc So Fly.

Anyway, it may be what everyone else on the freaking internet is doing, but let’s take a look at how our 2015 matches up with Bob Gale’s.

Baseball

Fucking World Series Winning Cubs

Look, I worked at a baseball agency one summer, but I usually do not give a fuck about baseball. But boy am I rooting for the Cubbies! The only times they’ve actually won the World Series were in 1907 and 1908. And now, in 2015, they’re still in in the semi-finals! Here’s the bad news, they now have to win 4 in a row to get to the finals. So basically it is beyond unlikely they’ll actually win the series, but at this point still a possibility. Here’s what I do know: if they lose tonight, they’re out. So my message to the Mets is if you kick the Cubs out of the playoffs ON Back to the Future Day, you are basically terrorists, Seriously Mets, throw the fucking game. Fun fact: In BTTF2‘s 2015, the Cubs beat Miami in the finals–which was particularly surprising since Miami didn’t have a pro baseball team in the 80’s. Guess who does currently have an MLB team? You guessed it, Miami! Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis are basically the baseball versions of that World Cup Octopus. One more fulfilled sports prophecy: they predicted an entire sport- Slamball. In the wise words of Karen Smith: It’s like they have ESPn or something!

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I can’t say that I wasn’t beyond disappointed when designers didn’t show inside out pants or outside pockets in 2015/6 presentations. Rick Owens (stunningly) gave us human backpacks, but Kanye, who spent thousands on a pair of Nike’s Back To The Future limited editions, couldn’t turn a pocket out in his Yeezy presentation? Granted, nude body suits don’t have pockets but you could have added a nod! Jeremy Scott? Nothing? I’m not faulting anyone for opting out of the double tie. As I mentioned, Nike made Marty’s sick shoes, so I guess we’re just waiting for tech savvy jackets. Our Canada Gooses will have to do for now.

 Queen Diana (and Madam President)

This is obviously a sad one. At the time, Princess Diana was still married to Charles, and of course still alive. Plus, people didn’t know Queen Lizzie would still be a boss bitch. I was going to write this post at the beginning of 2015 when I resolved to write more as a what to expect this year. At the time, I thought a Queen Diana could technically be possible by now since Kate was knocked up with 4th in line to the throne. I didn’t know if it would be a girl named Diana who somehow ended up queen at 5 months old with a planned trip to Washington…how could I? As for a woman president….well technically the headline predicting that one is from tomorrows newspaper. Attorney General Loretta Lynch is 7th in the presidential succession line, so god forbid something happened to Obama and his first 6 successors, we could have a woman prez tomorrow.

Fun Fact: US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter is 6th in line, so haha Jack Donaghy!

Even Funner Fact: Ashton Carter’s full name is Ashton Baldwin Carter, so….are we calling Illuminati or what?

Hoverboards

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Hey. they may not be as cool as the ones Mattel crushed a generation of dreams with (or Griff’s Pitbull), but there’s no doubt “hoverboards” are a super hot trend for real this year.

Jaws 19

I love the Jaws movies. Especially the 11% Rotten Tomatoes rated Jaws 3-D. It may even be my favorite. Two words: Dennis. Quaid. (Oh! and BTTF Star Lea Thompson!) It’s a campy precursor to Blackfish. But its successor in the franchise, Jaws: The Revenge? Even I, the ultimate lover of bad movies, cannot even get through it no matter how many times I start it. There’s just a point a few minutes in where I, and not even in my usual white girl way, literally cannot. So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m glad this was just a joke. But like culturally…..Shark Week? I mean, I guess there’s something there.

80’s Nostalgia

Not so much right now as in recent years, but the 80’s are definitely back in that cocaine is definitely a thing. Right?

General Futureness/Technology

In BTTF2’s 2015, weathermen are 100% accurate down to the minute. Ummm this couldn’t be further from realistic today. I can’t even tell you how many times Siri has fucking betrayed me. It’s not even funny.

I mean we obviously don’t have flying cars or anything like that, but I’m pretty sure Limited Too sold me an alarm system for my bedroom that used my fingerprint the same way the houses of the future did. I mean I guess this is maybe an instance where Siri lives up to BTTF‘s expectations. Goddamn Siri. Also, lol fax machines in 2015.

I guess what I’m saying is that today’s a big day for me. I always figured today would come and everything would be all right, but after today the future’s just a big ole ball of uncertainty. Wow….I got really deep there. People should take me more seriously. I’m a real thinker. Oh and P.S., Lyft is offering DeLorean rides in New York. If I didn’t have those classes I was talking about, I would 1,000% be there and Crying in Lyfts. P.P.S. Let’s pretend I posted this at 4:29 pm PST.


*I am so sorry, I would never disrespect you Robert Zemeckis. You either, MJF. You’re a freaking national treasure (even if you are from Canada) This is the one time I am no Larry David!

**Outside, of course, since I’ve known it was a facade since I was a kid. Even though I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the downside to my dad driving me around the Universal Studios backlot as a kid was losing a bit of the movie magic. That and the fact that I still haven’t recovered from the trauma of seeing Woody Woodpecker walking around with his head in his hand.

***Yes, I understand it was winky and funny and I’m splitting hairs but come on Seth, how hard would it have been to say your movie took place 3 yrs later? I realized it immediately and it kind of distracted me the rest of the movie. Plus, I totally let it slide that the film took place in Arizona, not CA. Constant reminders to “think 4 dimensionally” prove that this is only a time machine, not Inspector Spacetime‘s phone booth!

†After I was so harsh on Seth you would be right to point out that I’m mixing outfits and this isn’t what Marty wears in the future (even before he dresses like his son he had already lost the vest and jacket) but I don’t care so screw you!

 

Keeping Up With Jesus

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Ahh Easter, my favorite holiday. Yes, in the past 5 years, this jew has been to church on Easter 4 times, and temple…well let’s just say not that many times. And while I had to miss out on my baskets of candy and toys this year, the Easter Bunny did bring a present in the form of another edition of The Kardashians Doing Nothing Is News! Yes the Kardashian-Jenner-West-I don’t give a fuck outing to church is plastered all over the internet, and it’s all about the fashion. Duh 

While the range is clearly Klassic and Appropriate Kourtney to Kompletely Inappropriate Kendall, let’s start with some middle ground.

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The Kardashian-Wests. For someone who’s lately completely naked, completely covered, or some weird combination of the two, Kimmy seems very appropriate. I don’t know what the policy on shoulders is in non-Catholic church but regardless…. well done Kim. Kanye…..is Kanye even allowed in a church? I mean, Yeezus (I know he semi-explained that one), I Am A God, plus this little cover? Isn’t the second commandment all about having no other Gods and not worshipping false idols? I’m just saying, like everyone steals and cheats and disobeys their parents sometimes, but those are pretty big ones to fuck with. Yeezus’ ripped t-shirt and jeans seem a little inappropriate but look what else he’s getting away with….if I were him I wouldn’t be respectful towards God either. As for North, it seems like her dress is not as crisp a white as Mommy and Daddy’s outfits and I have to say I really expected better.

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Before I get to Miss Kendall, let’s just see if there’s anything else we need to discuss. Kourt clearly didn’t care about the white memo and I love it. She looks wonderful. And thankfully they didn’t drag resident Jew Scott to church, although it really is a shame because I’d have loved to see him in a nice seersucker suit. Kris looks unusually appropriate. And I don’t even know where all these other men are coming from but apparently one is Kris’ bf and one is Kylie‘s even though they’re about the same age. (Yes, the one with the kid is 17 year-old Kylie’s man). Khloe‘s outfit is wayyyy to tight, which given the amount of weight she’s lost recently means she went out and got a whole new wardrobe that’s 2 sizes too small for her at her thinnest.

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Kendall Kendall Kendall.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this outfit. Like love. It’s everything. The problem is not the wear it’s the where. I know as a model she has a responsibility to be fashion forward but there’s a more appropriate way. This isn’t just midriff, there’s belly button showing! I mean if Taylor Swift wouldn’t wear it, it’s probably not church appropriate. And while anywhere else I’d see that as a chic halter, on the holiest day of the year I see it as a boob strap. Come on you can do better! You would have been better off with a Jesus is my Homeboy T-shirt. I was going to do a list of the only 5 things less appropriate than Kendall’s outfit or 5 things surprisingly more appropriate for Easter services than Kendall’s outfit but that seems like a lot of work to make fun of an outfit I really like. But as a wise man* once said, You don’t respect my religion? I don’t respect your outfit.

 

*Scott Disick

The DIY Guide to A Sexy Cartoon Halloween

It seems like the “sexy” costumes they come up with get more ridiculous every Halloween. And it’s not just the costume companies, I’m guilty of this. Exhibit A (and the only one really): 4 years ago I dressed as Whora The Explorer:

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Because, you know, I’m such a Dora the Explorer fan.

Unfortunately, no one agreed to be the Ho Diego Ho to my Whora, but I survived. If you want this look, It’s all American Apparel and then I got Backpack from Amazon.

I’m not saying you need to go sexy or that these all will be, but I’m taking some inspiration from myself and giving  a few DIY Halloween costumes of cartoon characters:

“I’ll Give You Woody”

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Jacket: Moschino $3,549.85 Top: Topshop $16 Scarf: American Apparel $14 Shorts: Orelabar Brown $148 Boots: Giuseppe Zanotti $897 Hat: Planet Cowboy $270 Belt: Tory Burch $195 Badge: Elope $787

Look, I’m sorry, but the name was just begging for it. The last time I dressed as Woody was in a footie pajama thing and I ran into a brick wall and pretty much broke my nose, so not phenomenal memories but I’m basically over it. Who doesn’t love Toy Story? I think that the new way they test for sociopaths is by seeing if they cry or not during Toy Story 3, but don’t quote me on that. Costume: A cowhide vest is a lot harder to find than you’d think unless it’s an actual Woody costume so I went with this great Moschino jacket. Feel Free to cut the sleeves if you want, or find something cheaper. Look no judgement I don’t know what your into, but at least with these Giuseppe Zanottis lets hope you’re just saying “There’s a snake in my boot!”

Family Guy

Screen Shot 2014-10-26 at 3.46.22 PMStewie: Top: Topshop $50 Shorts: Mango $29.99 Suspenders: Hot Topic $6.39 Meg: Top: Miss Selfridge $21 Shorts: Orelabar Brown $148 Hat: Brian Lichtenberg $48

Sorry no sex puns here. I feel like Stewie should be like a Halloween staple. I was going to do a Hey Arnold! one, but I figured one football head was enough for this post. Feel free to cary around crazy toy lasers and talk in a ridiculous accent. And I guess Stewie is technically a baby and with a crop top and suspenders it’s pretty sexy, so I mean isn’t this reason enough to wear this costume? Now Meg, poor Meg. Everyone hates her and even for a cartoon with Mila Kunis‘ voice she’s no looker. So why not sex her up? Side note: I wanted to do Fairly Odd Parents but for Timmy Turner you can wear this exact same Meg outfit.

Scooby-Doo Me

Screen Shot 2014-10-26 at 4.26.06 PM Shaggy:  Top: Monki $16 Shorts: 7 For All Mankind $60 Velma: Top: Michael Kors $475 Skirt: American Apparel $54 Stockings: American Apparel $15 Glasses: Wildfox $169

Well, let’s get this out of the way…. this is a costume for Shag Me Shaggy. My second favorite Shaggy. You probably need to go as the whole Mystery Gang or at least have a Scooby with you for anyone to get that you’re Shaggy, but Velma might work on its own. It’s certainly better as a group but sexy Daphne and sexy Fred are too obvious. Helllloooooo Sara Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. The Velma look may seem pretty covered up but just remember the shorter the skirt and the more cropped the turtleneck the better. Every episode of Scooby-Doo was basically Halloween—so many costumes. It was always just an old guy dressed up like a ghost. Be sure to be extra meddling if you were these costumes!

QuailMan (Get Some Tail Man?)

Screen Shot 2014-10-26 at 5.09.43 PMSweater Vest: Lands’ End $38 Underwear: Calvin Klein $40 per 3 Leggings: Helmut Lang $920 Belt: Linea Pelle $88 Scarf: Uniqlo $40

I always call him Captain Underpants, but that’s a whole different thing. So, turns out a QuailMan costume is a lot like a Walter White one. Except Doug wears shorts underneath his tighty-whities (thanks prudes at Nickelodeon and Disney)  so you have the excuse for shorts or leggings. You could do a whole Doug group costume, but I dress like Roger on a daily basis so where’s the fun in that? And no, the Q is not included.

There are so many more fun costume ideas but I’ll give everyone a break who made it this far! If you need last minute costumes, American Apparel is always a safe bet. I hate to spoil it but who’s reading my blog anyway…. I’ll either be going as Marty McFly (the sexy version is Marty Mc So Fly) or a Ho-ritto. Yes, that’s a sexy Chipotle Burrito: image1xl

Anyway, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Baby Got Back(pack)

tumblr_m3ewl2gy9p1qhw4wvo1_5001Chastity may love her Sketchers but only because she doesn’t have a Prada backpack

Look, I’m not going to judge anyone based on what they carry their books in. Except in some cases, in which I totally am. Roller backpacks come to mind. Unless you’re a pharmaceutical rep, just no. You look like you’re on your way to the airport, most likely for a trip to the national dork convention. Let’s look at some of our other options– I give you a whirlwind tour of totes and purses through the years and of course a look at the backpack itself.

Canvas Totes

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When I was in middle school, it was about time to graduate from a backpack to a tote. Canvas totes were all the rage as bookbags but if you really wanted to fit in/look cool, you needed one from Dylan’s Candy Bar in NYC. They came in  a few basic colors- white, black, blue, and pink. This may have just been thing at my school, started by someone after a trip back east, but nonetheless it was a trend I had no intention of missing out on.. I’m beginning to fear that I have been coming off in this blog as a slave to fads, but as I said this was when I was 12, and honestly back then I pretty much was. Anyway, the bag was actually a practical size for carrying books, and even as a gym or overnight bag. Not much of a purse though outside of academic and light luggage usages. Sure, over the years there have been other canvas bags (I often use this Thursday Friday Birkin tote), but my pink Dylan’s will always be the one that started it all.

LeSportsac

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Another trend that took over the halls all of a sudden. These were actually great, maybe because LeSportsac is a luggage company. They were weatherproof and the straps were meant not to break under the weight of textbooks (and maybe a laptop if you were fancy). They came in a variety of colors and patterns— I of course rejected every pattern my mom suggested as we browsed the brand’s corner in Bloomies and went with a really pretty solid deep purple. Pencil pouch to match, duh. They may have been built to last but they weren’t immune to the wear and tear of everyday use. By the end of it’s tenure, my trusty tote was frayed and thinned.

Longchamp

Longchamp Le Pliage Large Handbag Navy

 

I fell like these are a more mature  version of LeSportsacs. Identifiable by the leather straps and flap that folds over the zipper, they were more expensive but had a sleeker look to them than Lesportsacs. These are still all over the place, whether being used as bookbags, luggage, or even quite often, purses.

Chanel

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I’m Marissa fucking Cooper. Well, basically. A few years ago I got this great vintage navy Chanel tote and of course, began to carry my notebooks in it. Nothing to do with the label, I just really liked it. But don’t think for one second I didn’t realize that I was emulating what I saw as one of the coolest but also most ridiculous things in the holy grail of television that was The O.C.

Goyard St. Louis/Louis Vuitton Neverfull

EAS_SAS GoyardI have no idea who these randos are ps

You see these around a lot. I tried it for a bit but the lack of zipper proved to be too problematic. Also it always felt a bit flimsy to me. If you live somewhwhere where you don’t have the obstacle of rain or snow, go for it. But personally, I’m going to reserve my Goyard for social use and  transporting changes of clothes/shoes to soul cycle. Bonus: Major beach bag potential

Hemes Birkin/Kelly

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10-1 odds it’s fake. 100-1 odds you’re not fooling anybody. If it’s real…..STFU GTFO.

Jelly Kelly

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Yeah, I had one. (I stole it from my mom—it actually was not like a gross one—well as not gross as a Jelly Kelly can be). Yeah, I carried books in it for like 2 days. It was an experiment—sue me.

Jansport

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Finally we get to the classic backpack. This of course leads to the ever-present 1 strap or 2 dilemma, but let’s save that for another time. Everyone has had a Jansport at some point or another. Who doesn’t have the memory of the overwhelming cluster of them in Sports Chalet. The key was to find something cuter/more unique than the basic black but not go near some of the ugly, aggressive patterns. It wasn’t easy. I scored a beige corduroy and it was awesome. Later on I got this studded one which is still pretty sick. Anyway, the way this article came up is that I’ve been looking to buy a new one. Pretty sure I’ve settled on this one:

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If you take anything at all from this blog post, please know that this is a conscious, ironic fashion choice. If you see me around, know that I do not think I’m being trendy with velvet fur, please know that this just reminds me of the Spice Girls and a backpack I used to have in which I kept the Aqua single Barbie Girl.

Finally an “Ew Mention:”

Vera Bradley

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Honestly I never saw anyone use one of these but apparently they were a thing on the east coast? One word: No.

Shit, I fell in love

About a month ago, I fell in love. Head over heels in love. With a pair of shoes. Now normally, I would have clarified “no pun intended” after the head over heels comment, as well as after the title of the post (you’ll see why in a sec), but since finding my soulmate in a pair of shoes is so very Carrie Bradshaw, I might as well embrace her in all her punny greatness.

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Del Toro #TheShit Loafer via ModaOperandi.com (not currently available)

Yup, that’s them. That pair of shoes completely stole my heart. Designers Edie Parker and Del Toro collaborated on an entire M’OTICONS collection of loafers and clutches. Sure I loved the see no evil, hear no evil monkeys, and that heart-eyed cats were near perfect, but something just clicked inside me when I saw those adorable poops staring up at me from a pretty dusty blue slipper. Love at first sight is real guys, it happened to me. And I didn’t even realize til later they were actually named #TheShit. I don’t know if it was the quirkiness or maybe the cuteness I had never notices on my tiny iPhone screen. Maybe there was a feeling of rebellion in spending $340 on a pair of glorified slippers with literally piles of crap on them.

But when you know, you know, and I knew. I wasn’t about to let true love slip between my fingertips. I didn’t want to be some old lady on her deathbed, looking back at her life and the one that got away. Preorder seems so long ago, but I guess minutes feel like hours and days feel like weeks when you’re waiting for the one you love. Like Billy Crystal said in When Harry Met Sallywhen you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

They still haven’t arrived. It’s like I’m standing at the top of the Empire State Building waiting for them to come prove they love me to, but as each minute goes by, time starts feeling longer and I become less certain that I’ll ever see my loves again.

And while I am completely devoted to my one true love, that doesn’t mean I can’t look right? So let’s talk loafers (or smoking slippers, or whatever you want to call them). Raise your hand if you have a pair with a skull, or that looks like a dog or cat or mouse…..everyone raised their hand, right? If you didn’t, go check out Alexander McQueen, Charlotte Olympia, and Marc by Marc Jacobs. But heres the thing, there are s many edgier styles out there…let’s explore!

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Left:  Stubbs & Wootton College via StubbsandWootton.com

Right: Del Toro x Disney Pinocchio Embroidered Limited Edition Collaboration Slipper via DelToroShoes.com

I’ve wanted the “screw you” Stubbs for a while now. I think they’re fun because they’re edgy without being outright crude. Guys, I’m having a realization that maybe my dirty mouth is so out of control I want my shoes to scream obscenities as well…. oof. Oh well, another intervention for another time. The Pinocchio ones, on the other hand, are pretty darn innocent (oh get your mind out of the gutter, yes, you!), but still there is something very cool to them. They’re whimsical yet dark…. just like a smiling poop emoji! Anyway, there are tons more ranging from the expensive at Stubbs & Wootton and Del Toro to the much more affordable at Asos.com. Happy hunting! I’ll just be here, waiting for my true love to come!

The Most Fashionable Cheat Sheet (for Fifth Grade Science)

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CHRISTOPHER KANE Buttercup embellished cashmere sweater via Net-A-Porter.com

I’ve been drooling over this sweater since it came down the runway in September as part of the amazing Christopher Kane’s Spring 2014 Collection. Besides being a phenomenal way to cheat on your fifth grade science test, this sweater is at the same time not only quirky and winky, but also absolutely beautiful. It is shown as form fitting but I would love to wear this as a loose sweater that teeters across the line between baggy and being able to swim in it. While the runway skirt is absolutely TO DIE FOR, I see this as an extremely versatile piece. If baggy, I’d love to see this with a pair of cropped cigarette or even boyfriend jeans and a great pair of tan d’orsay flats, like these Tory Burch ones. It would also look great with cutoffs or a fun skirt– go for a pattern! I can’t guarantee your teacher will let you take a bio test in this, but I bet if you wore it to class you’d get some extra points somewhere!

** DON’T CHEAT PEOPLE. I don’t know why I condone less, cheating or buying a fifth grader a $1500 sweater!

Coachella Roundup

Observant Angelinos may notice that on one, or for the past few years 2, weekend(s) in April, the malls, trendy eateries, and farmers markets usually teeming with teens and coeds become effective ghost towns. Don’t even get me started on Intelligentsia or other hipster hotspots– I’m surprised Silverlake doesn’t officially completely shut down. For those of you clueless enough as to wonder why this is, I have three words for you: COA. CHELL. A. Though a hipster mecca, this music festival isn’t just for the oversized, lensless Ray Ban Wayfarer and ironic tee clad anymore. The pull of the Chella on the “with it” millennial is so strong, I even flew in from Philly this year. If you don’t know what Coachella is like you’re obviously a square, jk, but for real go look it up.

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seriously, take a moment for my photoshopping

Weekend At Coachella

On our first day at the festival, I witnessed something so ridiculous, yet entirely representative of the Coachella experience. I saw a full-on Weekend At Bernie’s situation happening. No lie, a man was completely slumped over, his weight being carried by two friends on either side around whom his arms were resting. He had dark Ray Bans on, but I have no doubt his eyes were closed underneath. I can say with almost complete certainty, he wasn’t dead, but rather too messed up on an assortment of drugs and booze to move (nothing out of the ordinary at “Drugcella”). Either way, it was quite a sight to see. The guy was obviously not dead, but it made me think that if this were ever going to happen in real life, Coachella could very well likely to be the place. I can’t quite wrap my head around relating the plot specifics of the movie, but I did come up with a couple of scenarios. I would not put it past a devoted Chellite to make this their last request– one last hurrah. Yes, people are that diehard about Coachella (pun not intended). Also, if someone’s ticket was dependent on arriving with a certain, suddenly deceased, person (guest of an artist, for instance), I would not blink twice if that person Bernied their late friend… Coachella is sooooo worth it. Clearly the moral of this story is do not let me near your deathbed or funeral home unless you want to become a flesh and bones marionette….AND HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!!! (ugh, pun was unintentional again).

Festival Fashion Faux-Pas

Kylie Jenner and Emmy Rossum

Kylie Jenner and Emmy Rossum

Festival fashion is an experience on its own. The grounds are a sea of crop tops, high-wasted shorts, neon, tribal prints, and topless (and bottomless) girls in nothing but pasties or bikinis. The quintessential Coachella accessory, however, is headgear. Headbands have always been a staple, but last year they were elevated to a new level with the flower crowns. I swear, 80% of the girls wore them last year, it was ridiculous. Then this year, they got even bigger (physically). It hurts me to even thing how uncomfortable it would be with all those giant roses on all day. Culturally, however, flower crowns are harmless…unlike the other two trends this year. (You’ll notice the Weekend At Bernie’s gang sporting all 3 trends at top)

Arcade fire set my soul free. #coachellafoeva thank you Coachella gods. It's been simply beautiful.

A post shared by Vanessa Hudgens (@vanessahudgens) on

Last year, among the flower girls, there was a smaller, but prominent, trend of wearing Native American inspired headdresses. While we’ve always looked to Native American style as inspiration for fashion, especially for festivals, the appropriation of an important cultural symbol, was deemed racist and offensive. I don’t want to get into my politics here…. that’s not what this is about…but you’d think after the uproar last year, Chellites would have stayed away so as not to offend, whether intentional or not. Well, you’d be wrong. Feather headdresses were even more common this year, even being sported by the Queen of Coachella, herself, Vanessa Hudgens (pictured above).

A post shared by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) on

You may have asked or been asked to clarify “Indian” with “dot or feather,” well if that was feather, this is dot. The new trend that popped up this year was bindis. Celebs and regular folk alike were sporting crystals on their forehead all around the desert last weekend. Again, this is not about my personal views, but this must be considered offensive cultural appropriation as well, no? The internet seems a lot more divided on these than they do on headdresses, but they seem pretty similar to me. They are both culturally and religiously significant. While Ms. Hudgens of course rocked a bindi as well (in addition to a flower crown!), perhaps the most surprising, or at the very least, interesting, instance is Selena Gomez (above).* Since sporting a bindi and sari during a performance at last year’s MTV Movie Awards, Selena has been the target of protests by Hindu activists. Look, I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, I definitely see why pretty stick on crystals are appealing (more so than headdresses), but I just know I’d sweat it off within minutes.

hudge yarm

Personally, I’m just waiting for the big trend of Coachella 2014 to be yarmulkes!

RidicuList

“Bernie” and fashion were just the beginning of a string of ridiculous things. Here are a couple things that made me laugh:

GET A ROOM

I’m sorry, but no matter how high you are, you should know better than to have sex in the middle of a highly populated, but not densely packed, field. Yes, we walked past a couple(?) literally going at it in the middle of the grass, in full view of everyone– missionary, natch. It’s like, Hello, that’s what Port-A-Potties are for!

THE ROYAL KISS UP

This may be one of those “only funny if you were there” but it’s my blog and I can do what I want and I want to tell you what made me laugh. As we were backstage at Pharrell, my group and I were talking to a family friend about the acts we had seen. The friend told us, “I didn’t see Lorde. I didn’t really care about it so I just didn’t go to Lorde.” Not 5 seconds later, Lorde walks right up to where we are and the same guy turns around and says to her, “Lorde, I just have to say, you were so good today. Your set was absolutely amazing!” It was one of the funniest things I’ve even witnessed. While you may not be cracking up like we were, it is worth it to notice the level of ass-kissing that goes on in the music business and with celebrities in general. Speaking of Lorde, watching her dance to Happy after Pharrell pulled her on stage was one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever witnessed.

Update: Since posting this entry last night, the Selena Gomez instagram with a bindi has apparently been deleted. It’s clearly because Sel Sel reads this blog, duh. I’ve gone ahead and replaced it with a different instagram, let me know if you have any problems with this one too.