Personal Ad: Psycho seeking BFF (Working out my issues through an extensive exploration of I Love You, Man)

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There are a few times in life when you make a new batch of friends. When you’re a toddler, your parents decide your friends for you and unless you encounter a violent hair-pulling bitch or god-forbid a kid who doesn’t know how to share, everyone is pretty happy hanging with everyone else. It’s like, “You like sitting around drooling and sucking your thumb and playing with Barbies? No way! Me too? Hashtag Besties.

tumblr_mlbq5p1rzo1s0q2xro1_500When you start school, you kind of just become friends with kids in your class who are right there and everyone’s looking for friends so it’s not too difficult. Plus, mom’s still arranging playdates. You have to invite every kid in the class to your birthday party because like inclusion, duh. Same goes with Valentine’s Day cards. I mean, it was stressful enough choosing between Hello Kitty or Power Rangers or assorted animals, and then picking which specific card to give to each person (no mom I can’t give Jake “Bee Mine” I’ll have to give him the one that just says “Happy Valentine’s Day” or he’ll think I like like him!), I don’t think I could have dealt with choosing who to give cards to at all! (this is not Facebook birthday politics, after all) And as you get older in school, you still are kind of presented with a small pool to choose friends from, whether at school or extracurricular activities, or whatever.

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The next big one is college. It’s like it was before except with so many more people and you are basically starting over completely. I assume most people start with their roommates and hallmates and expand into meeting people in classes and once they start clubs/frats and sororities. All you do is bond over a Natty Light. With parties and all, the alcohol really helps. My hall was just really close and we all became friends. The rest of my friends basically came from friends of friends of friends of my hall. But freshman year is easy…everyone is looking for friends, and then as college goes on you just expand the web. You really could play six degrees with all my hall mates to find every single one of my friends.*

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Post-graduation really depends on where you move. You stay in touch with your college friends who are local and reconnect with any high school pals nearby. Then you make friends at work. Once you’re in a serious relationship your friend count doubles as you adopt your S.O.’s as your own and once you have kids you become friends with their friends’ parents. By the time you’re all old and wrinkly it’s the same as when you were a baby: “You like sitting around drooling and sucking your thumb?” but instead of playing with Barbies it’s shuffleboard, “pound sign on a rotary phone Besties!”franco

Okay, so here’s my dilemma, all my friends graduated and I’m back at school but none of the other juniors and seniors are looking to make new friends, so what do I do? I have to be all bubbly and friendly and put myself out there? Ugh, because if it wasn’t clear I hate people. Basically I’m Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man. I can only hope to find someone as great as Jason Segel‘s Sydney, so let’s see how Peter (Rudd) got there.

Lindsay-Lohan-I-have-Class-and-you-dontFencing

Well we know that none of Peter’s fencing buddies liked him, but even if they did I don’t think I’d bite. I was actually obsessed with fencing after Parent Trap and even had a fencing birthday party. I then tried to actually take up fencing in middle school but the masks smelled disgusting (as did my coache’s breath, if I recall). It’s debatable whether it worked for Halle and Annie in Parent Trap, but I think that could of also just been Lindsay Lohan getting to live every narcissist’s dream and being bffs with herself.

tumblr_loehb9wELi1qedmglo1_500Set Ups

Well the ‘man date’ set up by Peter’s mom turned out to be a real date, and I’m for sure too much of a mess for anyone to want to be set up on a date date with me. Getting set up by his brother didn’t end up working for Peter but that’s ultimately irrelevant in my pursuit because my brother is probably way to cool to want to introduce me to any of his friends, see previous mention of being a mess or literally any previous post for proof I’m a weirdo/psycho. It’s okay, I’m kind of trying to make friends with his friends behind his back. This is (not) awesome! This is (not) awesome! And finally, Peter is set up with a group of guys through his fiancé but like if I haven’t made it clear theres obviously no way I could have a S.O. Also wouldn’t turn out the same because I choose The Rolling Stones over The Beatles, am semi-competent regarding the hands in poker, and can hold my liquor way better than Peter. Now watch me projectile vomit the second I do meet friends. (at least it would be v Mischa Barton of me)

anigif_enhanced-buzz-29910-1389708750-4FriendFinder.Com

Read: Tinder. I mean, is there really a way to meet people online platonically? And even if there was, would I go for it? No. I mean the old guy Peter meets is so cute and it’s all very sweet but like first of all it just goes to show everyone’s lying: “that picture is from a few years back.” I mean only like old people put up insanely outdated pictures because if I put up a picture from 15 years ago I’d probably need to report the person who wants to meet up with the girl in the overalls and pigtails. Although I might not be exactly surprised given my baby prostitute days:

niPlease don’t report me to SVU for kiddie porn guys

Anyway, getting a bit off topic here and will write more on online dating later, but point is this ain’t gonna work for me.

tumblr_m2c4m1n1eH1qjv7jjo1_500Success at An Open House at The Hulk’s

Unless Mark Ruffalo (or really even Edward Norton) has a place in Philly they not only want to sell, but are also willing to entrust the sale trust a non-realtor 21 year old girl, I won’t be able to recreate the exact circumstances of this friend on friend meet-cute. Maybe I could hit up an open house and be the Jason Segel character, but I’m worried no one else will find my theories on flatulence as endearing as they really should. And even if I did meet someone, how to I bond the way Peter and Sidney did? Who’s my Rush? You think someone will slappa da base with me to Bon Jovi? Or repeatedly to that new Taylor Swift song (but not her other songs**) or the old Jewel song I’m currently obsessed with? Will my Sidney (I’d even settle for a Hank Mardukas) be as forgiving when I call them City Slicker or Joben, because I most certainly will. And most importantly, will they forgive my psycho-ness when I inevitably end up crying in an uber?

amytinHonestly, I just don’t know. Meeting people is just like ugh the worst. I really just want to meet people who hate everyone as much as I do. So, set me up if you want to, and if by any chance any Philadelphians who don’t know me are reading this don’t judge me if I give in and start being friendly. And well, in the mean time, I’ll just be spending most night with my best friend Don. Don Julio.

 

* Except my best friend Sunny. As her name would suggest she is the opposite of me and did exactly what I complained about not wanting to do in this post. We were sitting next to each other in a lecture hall listening to someone speak during a visiting day at Penn Junior year of high school and she literally just turned to me and said “Hi! I’m Sunny!” Here’s a pic of us being in love years later:

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**Ugh okay I hate to admit it but also maybe We Are Never Ever Getting Back TogetherI Knew You Were Trouble, and 22

Ed note: Moments before publishing I was sitting in my American Political Thought class and noticed how fucking old I am compared to everyone else. This is going to suck.

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So Many TV Boyfriends You Could Call Me A TV Slut

Ugh. Guys in real life. Just ugh, am I right ladies? TV characters, that’s where it’s at. We crush on all these celebrities (I really do mean we here- I’m one of the worst offenders), but a lot of the time we’re really in love with the characters these actors play. Of course there are exceptions, but a lot of the persona we build up in our mind is supplemented by their on-screen roles, even if subconsciously so. So here’s a list of my favorite men on TV, who I obviously pretend are my real boyfriends at night. (I’ve chosen to omit any animated characters because I’m really trying to come off as semi normal here)

The-Mindy-Project-Weiner-Night-12-PortableDanny Castellano

Danny Castellano from The Mindy Project is the perfect man. He really is. I’ll admit that I see Mindy Lahiri/Mindy Kaling (I choose to make no distinction between the two) as more than just a kindred spirit but really just an extension of myself, and thereby think that Danny and I are soulmates with that incredible chemistry he and Mindy share. But still, even without the Mindy connection, he is everything. Is there really anything sexier than a grumpy old man in a young man’s body? What could be better than a hot-looking curmudgeon? Danny has that kind of douchey streak woman seem to be so attracted to, but instead of being a bad boy, it’s just that he’s a bit of a crank. He’s a no nonsense true blue New Yorker who knows his Springsteen from his Mellencamp. He can rocks a leather jacket just as well as his grandma reading glasses. He’s also gorgeous. I first took notice of Chris Messina when he appeared as Claire’s Christian-Rock-loving Conservative boyfriend Ted on Six Feet Under. Although we do get a great shot of his butt in the finale, I remember being conflicted about whether he was really hot or really not. There was something about his features that I knew I either loved or hated, and I think at first I settled on thinking he was ugly. But with time I realized how hot he was, and there’s nothing that makes me happier than his crooked half smile. Sure Chris is on the shorter side, so Danny’s attitude may be a bit due to “Tiny Douchebag Syndrome,” but as long as Danny keeps his height complex in check, I don’t mind. Also, while being a good Catholic boy may only be a big selling point to me, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt in everyone else’s eyes that he’s a successful doctor. Plus, NEVER FORGET.

bass-basketballChuck Bass

I’m in love with him, but I’m not entirely sure Ed Westwick is actually so hot, based on physical looks alone. We’ll never know though, because as long as we associate him with Chuck Bass, he will always be beyond dreamy. Now let’s keep in mind, we’re talking about Chuck from the show, not the Gossip Girl books, duh. I never thought I could be so attracted to a guy who was so into scarves. There is a side to Chuck that is very in touch with his metrosexuality. While I’m not normally into that, I think if a guy has a certain attitude (yes, that attitude is basically that of a douchebag), an extensive section of lilac in his closet is not just excusable, but even attractive. Plus, I find that when British guys speak in an American accent, it’s way sexier than a British accent could ever be. Just like in the case of Danny and Mindy, I feel a connection to Blair Waldorf, which probably contributes to my Chuck love. Maybe I wouldn’t like him so much if I were “a Serena” (ugh) but in no world do I see myself obsessing over Nate or, even grosser, Dan….ewwwwww. Girls want a bad boy with just a hint of something that makes them believe they can change him. Not sure if that’s the case here, but Chuck turned out to be a real romantic. Don’t pretend like you didn’t swoon when he finally said those 3 words, 8 letters. Ughhhhh that Mother Chucker!!

eeeb69a7d15a8a26c497f4829a4a3ca3Jesse Pinkman

Yes, I know we all love world’s greatest The Price Is Right contestant Aaron Paul himself, but that doesn’t take away from the undying love we have for Breaking Bad‘s drug dealer with a heart of gold. Sure he dressed like a Juggalo,* but I think I speak for all of us when I say I’d love to find myself in his own private domicile and be his very own pretty little bird. If it weren’t for all the drug issues, and also really the situations his girlfriends tend to find themselves in, Jesse would be the perfect guy. Over five seasons, I fell more in love with every yo and bitch. Didn’t it just break your heart when Jane died? Obviously the crazy part of me was like, yes! now he’s single! You’re just a monster if you didn’t feel love for him as he teared up at Gale‘s door. I love me some Pinkman so much I’m almost afraid Jesse has made smoking/cooking/dealing meth sexy. Like will meth go in the plus column when considering future men? I hope I’m smarter than that, but if someone reminds me that much of Jesse, I might not be able to be accounted for. Honorable Mention for Breaking Bad hottie goes to Badger. His husky voice and Star Trek fan fiction propelled him right into my heart. For those of you into Walt Jr., just no….go eat some breakfast.

Daryl Dixon (Norman Reedus) with his trusty crossbow.Daryl Dixon

The character appeals to me a bit the way Jesse Pinkman did, but I can’t tell if actor Norman Reedus‘ attractiveness (after initial disinterest) is due to the Chris Messina effect or the Ed Westwick effect. The former being that his features straddle the line between very hot and ugly, the latter being that me being so in love with his character has made me think he is more attractive than I would otherwise. I think it’s mostly the first, with maybe a bit of the second. When my mom first showed me this guy from The Walking Dead she thought I would think was so hot, I thought he was totally creepy. And honestly, a lot of that is probably the haircut he’s stuck with in the zombie apocalypse. But a few episodes in, I was infatuated with yet another bad boy with a heart of gold. He’s a southern loner with a crossbow, leather vest, and hog, and I love it all. He really sealed the heart of gold aspect on his quest to find Sophia and his resulting relationship with CarolCouldn’t you just die? I mean if he cooked me up some squirrel, I’d eat it. Sure I’d rather he take me to Nobu, but beggars can’t be choosers. Okay, I take it back…the only way I’m eating squirrel is if it’s AT Nobu and even then I’ll probably stick to artichoke salad and tuna tacos. If you don’t watch The Walking Dead, honestly it’s worth it just for Daryl. Let’s put it this way, if Daryl dies, I riot.

300px-B&MMarshall Eriksen and Barney Stinson

A lot of this one is Jason Segel. I love me some Jason Segel. And not this skinny Jason Segel in Sex Tape but I’m talking more to love How I Met Your Mother/Forgetting Sarah Marshall** Jason Segel. Marshall is funny and quirky and a huge romantic, actually probably too much of one sometimes. He’s a great husband, dad, and Big Foot researcher. If I were a ghost, I’d haunt him. I can’t really explain it, but he is just so freaking lovable. He’s cuddly bitch!  I could never have anything serious with him (or anything at all Nicki you big idiot he is a fictional character), but Barney is well dressed and pretty hot. Neil Patrick Harris plays him so smooth but also so ridiculous. Really, lady killer Barney was kind of a dork– he was obsessed with magic and Star Wars and kind of even made them cool. I never really liked him and Robin and I think part of that was based on a completely irrational jealousy. Look, if I were in the HIMYM universe and Barney hit on me, I probably wouldn’t fall for anything from The Playbook, but I’d probably still go home with him because he was pretty hot.*** Note: I didn’t include Ted because let’s be real Teddy Westside was kind of annoying. It’s one thing to be romantic, but he was just a little too much. Josh Radnor is definitely hot though, and I kind of hope he goes gray soon because he is going to be a total silver fox.

1133889376_1148Jim Halpert and Ryan Howard†

Ahhh, the men of The Office. Two very different guys. Let’s just get Ryan out of the way. Yes, he’s a total asshole. No, there’s probably not good deep down. But, Kelly and Ryan’s story was one for the ages. And as I said, I always put myself in the place of Mindy’s characters so I was all about the temp. The whole reason I even got into the office in the first place was for Kelly and Ryan. Okay, now Jim. John Krasinski definitely benefits from the whole phenomenon of a not necessarily attractive actor becoming hot because his character is so great. Sure, he’s probably the best dressed guy in Hollywood and his prank war with Jimmy Kimmel is amazing and he and Emily Blunt are one of the cutest couples out there, but before I watched the office I did not get him at all. Jim is just sweet and hilarious and the ultimate prankster which is great. Who’da thought Jim Face was such a turn on?

tumblr_kvns7rjvZj1qzczc7o1_500Chandler Bing

Could he be any more lovable?†† Sure Matthew Perry is good-looking, but what really made Chandler so great was that he was the funny one. I like a sarcastic joker and that’s exactly what Chandler was. Whenever Thanksgiving rolled around, he had that grumpy Grinch-like quality I find ever so endearing, all while making me laugh. Maybe he was a bit over the top, but whether he was emaciated or a bit chubby, Miss Chanandler Bong always did it for me. Also he wore Free City once which I loved. The other Friends: Well, Ross didn’t make this list because, duh, he was the worst. And while I always thought Matt LeBlanc was hot, Joey is really just a less hot (personality-wise), poorly-dressed version of Barney, so I didn’t need to write up both.

NG_NICK_SCHMIDT_ANNIVERSARY_640x360_19559491665Schmidt and Nick Miller

I really should be Team Schmidt. He’s got that douchey, metrosexual flavor that makes him exactly my type. And when New Girl first started, I really did crush on him. For some reason I just am not as into him as my other TV beaus. I don’t know, there’s just something missing. Ever notice how Max Greenfield always seems so much hotter in everything else? Plus, he will never ever be as great or as hot as he was as Deputy Leo in Veronica Mars. Nick, on the other hand, I find myself really loving. Sure, Jake Johnson‘s nose is kind of busted, but I’d still hit it. Nick is such a curmudgeon, I love it. When I said earlier that I loved an old man disguised as a hot guy, Nick Miller is basically the epitome of that. If he really wants to be marriage material he should probably get his shit together (idk, has he? I kind of stopped watching), but even as a total, grumpy mess, I love him. Honorable Mention: Coach. GTFO Winston.

dexter-season-6-dexter-maniac-murderer-splashing-blood-michael-c_-hallDexter Morgan

Dexter may have been a serial killer, but Michael C. Hall was SMOKING HOT. Like for real though. He’s probably the most physically attractive on this entire list. Well, except 2 down. Also not to be pervy, but was it not pretty sexual when he’d plastic rap his naked victims and and hover over them. He even hooked up with one one time. I’d start murdering if it meant I ended up on his table. Dark Passenger Dexter, of course, not lumberjack Dexter.

tumblr_n0w5nmoykK1qj13q4o2_500Logan Echolls

If you haven’t watched Veronica Mars, I can’t suggest it highly enough. My friend Ali got me into it about a year and a half ago and I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve watched the series through like 3 or 4 times since then. (okay, a little ashamed)  I don’t want to get to into where the character goes because I really hope that at least 1 of the 5 people who actually read this ends up watching the show. Logan may be Neptune High’s “obligatory psychotic jackass” but he’s my number one dream guy. Seriously guys, just watch. Jason Dohring may not seem like such a looker to you now, but 3/4 through Season One you’ll be hanging his picture on your wall. Believe me, you’ll get past the necklace and learn to love the voice.

White-CollarNeal Caffrey

I mean, duh. Like why even waste space explaining this one? I mean, Matt Bomer? More like Matt Boner!†††

13256928071Tony Almeida

Those of you who watched 24 know what I’m talking about. Jack Bauer was hot, but I was obsessed with Tony. I didn’t even watch the new season because as far as I know, Carlos Bernard is not in it. Just ask my friends…Second Semester freshman year I couldn’t get through 3 sentences without talking about Tony.

Vlcsnap-2013-07-13-17h59m41s97Tony DiNozzo and Leroy Jethro Gibbs

I’m going to assume most of my readers are under 70, and therefore don’t watch NCIS. That’s okay. I do. Like I’m pretty into it. Whatever. Just turn on USA and almost guaranteed NCIS or Law and Order: SVU will be on. Anyway, not only is Michael Weatherly very attractive (I feel like he’s what Chris Pine swoon will look like in 10/15 years), but he plays a cocky movie trivia aficionado, which is just the most perfect combination. And there’s really not much to say about Gibbs, except that Mark Harmon is a total silver fox. I don’t have daddy issues, I swear!

jack-both-waysJack Donaghy

Right now you’re either thinking I’m crazy or nodding your head in total agreement. It just depends if a conservative, Catholic ladies man/businessman is your type or not. For some people it isn’t, no judgement. Plus, Alec Baldwin wasn’t too hard on the eyes back in the day. Also I loved DannyCheyenne Jackson was criminally underused on 30 Rock.

psych1Shawn Spencer

He was goofy and a total 80’s trivia buff. Honestly let’s be real, I need some kind of crush to really keep me interested in a TV show (Why do you think I watched Drop Dead Diva, but for Fred and Grayson?), and James Roday was the eye candy that brought me to Psych.

Late Night with Jimmy FallonZack Morris

The ultimate throwback. He could stop time and sweet-talk his way out of any mess he undoubtedly got himself into. The only thing bigger than his cell phone was his hunk factor. He’s one of the few blonde guys I can really get behind. Oh get your mind out of the gutter… and that doesn’t even make sense! Let’s just also include every other Mark-Paul Gosselaar character post-Saved By The Bell too because he’s just perfect.

Shoutout to all the others who I’m sure I forgot. Oh, and also Christian Troy from Nip/Tuck, Jeff and Troy from Community and Leo and Chris Wyatt from Charmed. And Mr. Big from Sex And The City who had his own section in the post, but I took it out last minute.

*I can’t take full credit for this…the BB Honest Trailer called Jesse a Juggalo and it blew my mind

**wait, how am I just now realizing Sarah Marshall/Marshall Eriksen? Oh right, because it’s literally nothing

***I was going to say it’d be legen-wait for it-dary but I thought I’d be a little less cheesy/predictable than that

† Wait, The Office took place in Pennsylvania and had a character named Ryan Howard? Huh….

†† Ugh, so much for not being cheesy/predictable

††† Let’s be honest, no one would blame you if you stopped reading after that one