Harry Potter and My Journey of Self Discovery

You could say I’m obsessed with Harry Potter. But then again I constantly tell people I’ve met maybe five minutes earlier that I’m obsessed with them, so maybe obsessed is not even close to strong enough. Think you’re more into it? Challenge me to a trivia contest, I DARE YOU. Yes, I’ve seen all the movies a million times. Yes, I read all the books repeatedly,  buying them all at midnight* (which one year meant brainstorming with my mom how to sneak out of camp and her bribing an airport bookstore employee) and reading them straight through in about a day whether I was at a barbecue or at home forced to lock myself in my mother’s shoe closet.** And yes, I’ve even read them in Spanish. (That’s why my resume says I know how to say wand, house elf, and centaur in Spanish. Easily my most useful skill). I’ve read every supplementary book and website- Leaky Cauldron, HP Lexicon, and joined Pottermore early. I have an official wand. I was with you crying when my owl didn’t come. But I bet I got you beat here. I wrote my college essay (yes, my main personal statement) on Harry Potter.

Screen Shot 2015-07-25 at 3.39.17 PMNo need to read the whole thing. In fact please don’t. This is just proof.

Let’s get back to the content of my essay later. Specifically me being a Gryffindor. Anyway, I believe I’ve proved to you and many baffled admissions officers I’m a major Potterhead. So when they built The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (and especially the later extension) in Orlando***, I literally begged to go every chance I got. Anyway I don’t know how it took me so long, but I finally went last week. My godmother bet me I’d cry. No comment. I wrote a whole review but got rid of it and might post it later. Basically, it’s hard to describe the experience because on one hand it was the most wonderful place on Earth, but also I had such extremely high expectations–it couldn’t possibly be as great as I needed/thought it’d be, could it? I’m still digesting I think. For those of you who haven’t been. Go.

imagejpeg_0I even sat in Sirius’s motorcycle with my girl Rowan acting like she Harry and I’m Hagrid (no giant jokes please)

Coming Out of the Closet Cupboard Under the Stairs

see what i did there?!!!!

Hello. My name is Nicole. And I am a Slytherin. And I’m fucking proud of it. Not only by self identification, but even Pottermore placed me there. But by that point (when everyone who didn’t cheat is creating a new account so they can be sorted Gryffindor) I already knew I was a Slytherin.

slytherin

So I guess I should start by addressing the obvious. As you can see from my essay. I clearly lied in my college application. I said I’d be a Gryffindor. I actually found an earlier draft that was fucking awful and was entirely about me being sorted and why I’d be a Gryffindor and about bravery and shit. I mean I guess it wasn’t a lie because back then I probably thought I was a Gryffindor, but I still got accepted under false pretenses. For all I know, that could have been the deciding factor.†

So I’d like to issue a formal apology and appeal to Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda. I regret my words and hope that you do not rescind my admission and let me finish out my last year. I understand if you must put an asterisk on my diploma and transcript….it’s only fair. Or maybe some kind of anti-endorsement on my LinkedIn page? I don’t know, whatever actions you think necessary.

So anyway, being true to myself I bought myself a Slytherin robe at Madame Malkins, The talking mirror  told me that green was not my color, but let’s face it she was just jealous because I look hella good in green. At least half my closet is green. I tried not to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day but found it physically impossible. Unfortunately the lady who worked there literally wouldn’t let me buy the one I wanted because, exact quote, I am “bustier than most all other women” and when my adult companion suggested I wouldn’t always wear it buttoned, the woman snapped that Professor McGonagall would never stand for it. You gotta give it to her for her commitment, but the next size up was so much bigger I’m now stuck with a $100+ cloak (FYI, in the books that robe would have only cost 80 sickles which is $47.39 in American muggle money. I did an inflation calculation but I don’t want to bore you with all the factors of that) that could fit me and Malfoy in it. Small/Medium my ass. 

I guess I’m dressing as Sexy Pansy Parkinson for the next 5 Halloweens…. 

slytherin

I want to make it very clear… despite the above photo, while I am a Slytherin, I AM NOT A DEATH EATER. (well obviously none of us are actually death eaters but I mean if I were really in that world I wouldn’t be one). It’s just Dark Marks are the only tattoos in the HP world and tattoos are awesome. As for why I’m using Voldemorts sword: #fortheinsta.

Don’t worry…..I also went full Harry/Dumbeledore’s Army on my other side:

lies

Anyway, here’s how I see it. First of all, not all Slytherins are evil. Fucking Merlin was a Slytherin. So ha! Though I don’t know much about Merlin so maybe ha me? Pottermore literally calls it “the coolest and edgiest house in the school.” It’s like being in a sorority wear everyone wears all black and does coke, but cooler because like magic and shit. Also, I could wear snakeskin print till the cows come home, so I got that covered.

Let’s go process of elimination. I’m not a Hufflepuff. One of their defining traits is patience. Yeah fucking right. I haven’t waited in a line for more than 2 minutes since I was like 5 years old. And that was one time to buy a Furby. I’m certainly not a RavenclawIn my 4 years at Penn, I’ve been in the library a total of 2 times. And only because I was basically forced. So it’s down to Gryffindor and Slytherin. I can say I’m brave and heroic all I want but when was the last time I saved a baby from a burning building? EXACTLY. Cunning and resourceful? Check. Ambitious? Yeah, when I take my ADD meds. Plus, I’m kind of a bitch.

And my love for Harry? Well first of all, I also totally crushed on Malfoy. In the movies not the books duh. Tom Felton is everything

150603105711-harry-potter-draco-then-now-super-169total cutie when we were young, and total fox now

But I could be a Slytherin and still totally be with Harry. We would totally be star-crossed lovers. Like Romeo and Juliet with a happy ending. Or no happy ending I don’t give a shit. All I’m saying, that I, even as a Slytherin, am a WAY better match than that fucking Ginny Weasley. Like fuck that trick.

Anyway, as you can see, I’ve put a lot of thought into why I am a Slytherin. But then again…..it could just be because green looks better on me. Actually, knowing me, the decision was definitely fashion based. Military jackets here I come!

*starting with the 5th book (at the bookstore below the across from the food court before they redid Century City, remember that?!). After all, I was only like 7 when the 4th was released and even my mom wouldn’t have made that big of a compromise on bedtime at that age.

**Both true stories. When I was finishing the final book, my parents were in the backyard with visiting family just talking so I got as far away and secluded as possible. Keep in mind, this was the quiet side of the family–the Resnikoffs, had the other side been over, I’d probably have had to get myself to another zip code for the peace and quiet I’d need.

***Mixed feelings on the Hollywood version opening. A) How big will it be and B) RIP Gibson Amphitheater whyyyyyyyy

† Although identifying as Slytherin would have probably been edgier and more unique. Fuck, maybe I would have gotten in early!

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Do Blondes Have More Fun? Tonight, on 60 Minutes

When graphic tees were in, places like Abercrombie and Fitch and Limited Too put out shirts saying “Brunettes have more fun” and “Redheads have more fun” so us non-blondes wouldn’t feel left out. I never got the Brunettes shirt, which is too bad because it would have gone great with my (ironic?) “Kiss Me I’m Irish” trucker hat. Well I don’t know if “Blondes Have More Fun” is truthful, but I can tell you those consolation shirts were a big steaming pile of lies. One should have said “Redheads are Batshit Crazy” and the other, “Brunettes have no associated stereotypes (that I can think of)”

If I were a better (read: real) journalist I would get out there dye my hair blonde and do a full-on investigative piece. In all fairness, I have been dying to go short and platinum ever since my celebrity doppelgänger looked hot af at the 2013 Met Gala. But I’m a huge wimp that didn’t cut her hair for 5 years after a Locks of Love experience in 8th grade…and even then it was just bangs (see blog tagline), and I’m afraid of long term effects of bleach. Plus the pain…I’ve seen the makeover episodes of America’s Next Top Model I couldn’t even commit to color dipping during the height of the trend since it meant bleaching, same goes for ombre. I did wear a blonde wig to a friends birthday one year so I have a bit of experience, but my brother looked better in it so there’s that.

So apparently Kanye has a Draco fetish….#muse

A post shared by Tom Felton (@t22felton) on

 

So I guess we all know that Kim Kardashian went platinum a couple weeks ago. Because if Kim Kardashian farts it’s front page news. Just kidding, Kimmy has never “gone #2 or passed gas.”* Anyway, she’s rocking the Draco Malfoy.  This is not the first time Kim has dabbled with a lighter color, but the first time she’s gone all out. I don’t think Tom Felton was too far off in his caption, because if I’ve ever seen a Slytherin, it’s Kanye. Sure, there’s plenty of room for dumb blonde jokes but I’d like to think you’d expect a higher caliber of comedy from me.

So….is she having more fun? Well, ever since Kanye took over the Kimbot, there hasn’t been much evidence that she’s been having fun. On Keeping Up, they play her to be the wet blanket of the family. She claims she doesn’t smile because it “causes wrinkles” so it’s no surprise she’s been her usual pouty self since going blonde. Only time will tell.

Speaking of Malfoy, did Draco have more fun than his dark-haired classmates? I mean, Harry was constantly being hunted to be killed and Draco just kind of got to enjoy torturing people, so like… maybe there’s something to it?

A much more drastic change happened in the celebrity hair world that same week though. RIP to the long, flowing, luscious, make every girl jealous locks of Jared Leto. He’s now short and platinum too. But you just know that whatever hair he’s rocking, Jared is having a DGAF fun time.

leto

Jared and the Wests attended Olivier Rousteing‘s Balmain dinner the other night. And I like to think one of two things went on: 1) They hardcore bonded over the obvious or 2) The whole hair thing was a giant elephant (note to self: insert Kim butt joke here?) in the room and it was super awkward.

Actress Lindsay Lohan booking photosFree headshots!

Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay. She’ll always be a redhead at heart and always crazy. Fire Crotch has made the rounds- we’ve seen her trademark red, different shades of blonde (including platinum), brown, and even almost black. So how do we answer the very important question I’m writing this exposé on? Well… In four of LiLo’s glorious mugshots, she’s rocking the hue gentleman prefer. I’m sure there’s a Legally Blonde joke here, there just has to be! Some might say that she can’t possibly be having more fun as a blonde being in jail and all, but I think the opposite. Hello, just think of why she’s there! She’s having the time of her fucking life.** Plus she’s famous so she was in for less time than it takes to bleach her hair and get Mystic Tanned to matched to her orange jumpsuit (she gets a good rate–the DUI special)***. And check out that top center photo…how she get them to let her bring Beyoncé‘s wind machine? Maybe some sort of Lynwood Loyalty rewards program?

TOO BAD MILEY CAN NEVER GO BLONDE BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULD JUST THINK SHE WAS HANNAH MONTANA

I tweeted that the day before Miley went blonde. Psychic much? And at first, I was concerned this would be a legitimate problem. And then that blonde lob went short and buzzed and Miley ditched Hannah forever at the VMAs. I think we can safely say that in the case of Ms. Cyrus, blonde is definitely more fun…some might even argue too much fun. But at least she’s happy….

Finally somebody's not an idiot #fuckyaaaas

A post shared by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

 

The real question is did Hannah Montana have more fun than Miley Stuart? I mean sure Hannah had problems, and Miley had better friends, but Hannah Montana was a fucking rockstar hey hey hey hey!, so I’m going to go with her having more fun. Plus she got to wear a lot of sparkly skinny scarves. I really really want to go on a rant about the potholes and how regardless of a disguise worse than Clark Kent‘s she’d never get away with that secret but I won’t.

Justin Bieber also recently went platinum (no not that, kind….he hasn’t had a certified platinum record since 2013) but like let’s not.

So I mean, based on this very serious analysis, I’m going to say Blondes do have more fun. But, I spent way too much money on an app to make me blonde in a picture and the result is horrifying. But the data doesn’t lie. Facts are facts. If I wanna have more fun, I’m going to have to take the plunge. But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I’ll always be a Blair and a Veronica, but Serena was all fun (not Betty. Fuck Betty) And just a warning in advance, if I am not posting for a while, don’t cry….I’m probably just out having fun.

*Yes, that is a real thing she said. But, so is this: tumblr_nl0r1jqacv1rxoi6po1_500

**I do not condone drinking and driving or stealing or whatever the fuck she’s been doing!

***An Orange Is The New Black joke seemed pretty obvious here, but when talking about skin color it seemed like it could get iffy…