A Love Letter to Gwyneth Paltrow: there’s a fine line between love and hate

It’s hard to define Crying in Ubers. Maybe you consider it a comedy blog, maybe you think it’s just some psycho rambling every like 6 months or whatever, but most likely do you don’t even think of it at all. Well, I’d like to think of it as a lifestyle website. So why not mark my triumphant return (sorry I’ve been MIA but literally anxiety stops me from posting literally every time I consider opening my laptop) than with an ode to THE Lifestyle Guru of our generation. No, not Martha, although she was beyooooond hilarious at the Justin Bieber Roast. No, not Oprah. I’m talking Goopy herself, Miss Gwyneth Paltrow.

Look, I get it. It’s a fine line between love and hate. A few months ago I could go on a rant about her on the spot, never mind being unable to suppress an eye roll at every talk show appearance and pull quote posted all over the internet. I was right there with y’all buying a ticket to see Contagion just to watch her die. But now I’m Team Goop all the way.*

Sure, she seems pretentious and unlikable and completely ungrounded in reality. And that fuels the haters. But one morning I woke up and realized, that’s exactly what makes her so great. Don’t we all aspire to be so rich and fabulous and cultured that we can look down on literally all of America? Well, I do. So I’m appointing her my official (and therefore this site’s) life coach.

Why is she officially America’s most hated celeb? I mean she’s bffs with Jay Z and Beyoncè…that used to be enough to give anyone street cred. And don’t stone me here but is she really that different from the CHOSEN couple? Bey poured a bottle of Ace of Spades into a hot tub, and even if it wasn’t really full of champagne, is that really any worse than endorsing a $5,000 juicer or a hangover cure that involves racing between a hot bath and freezing shower?

She can’t connect with “regular” people

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I remember a lot of the hating starting when she released her cookbook, My father’s daughter. People were enraged that her recipes called for a wogwynnod burning pizza oven. Even she admitted it was a luxury. And I’m sorry you know when you’re buying a book by Gwyneth Paltrow it’s not Sonja’s microwave cookbook. Like take a fucking chill pill America. Yeah, it does sound like a great investment. And if I ate carbs fuck yes i’d get one too. She fucking owns who she is. If you’re going on Goop, don’t expect to find best buys from Old Navy. That’s not what Goop is. And that’s not what it’s pretending to be. People freaked out because it cost a little over $100K to buy everything on the Goop 2014 Gift Guide. If you look at a gift guide and buy everything then it’s you’re own business buddy. Maybe that’s the upside to having no friends like me, I don’t have to buy all those gifts. Whatever fuck the haters she has great suggestions. Honestly, it would be a crime to not reccommend the Hermès Avalon Blanket when you have the platform to do so. Because as Gwen says, If only we could buy these in bulk. She can’t pretend to be poor but she tries to understand the plight. She took the food stamp challenge. I mean she failed, but she lasted 4 days. Yet, where’s her award and praise? NO FUCKING WHERE. How dare you people not recognize her acheivement.

Food snobbery in general

Goopy once told my current boss, “I would rather die than let my kids eat Cup-a-Soup.” So fine she’s a drama queen. She’s an actress! But it’s not like my mom let me eat it. Honestly until this very moment I had no idea what it was. I thought she was talking about like Top Ramen. After seeing what it really is I don’t think we can really fault her. More recently, Queen G got a collective side-eye from everyone for this fun lil tidbit: “I would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.” Once again, I have absolutely no idea what cheese from a tin is. It sounds disgusting. But I’m not sure I’m ready to give her a complete pass here. Crack? Really? Crack? I get that she’s trying to go as lowbrow as possible here but as much as I love a good exaggeration I think crack is just too far. Come on, Gwyny….couldn’t you have just switched out one letter and said crank? Crystal Meth is just as disgusting and povo. I mean, in the immortal words of Whitney Houston: “Crack is cheap. [You] make too much money to ever smoke crack. Crack is whack!” I get that it’s a subtle nod to it but come on, even in hyperbole you can’t stoop that low Gwyneth. Say that you’d rather smoke crystal. And not any of that primo Walter White blue shit. I mean if you had said I’d rather smoke bottom barrel crystal than eat cheese from a tin, I’d be with you girl but you didn’t and I’ll always have Whitney’s words ringing in my ears.

Vagina Steams

Look, Shailene Woodley told everyone to sun their bag’s and it was the stupidest thing ever. No way no chance I’ll ever be team Shay. But if Gwyneth wants to pay $200 for a vag steam I say you go girl. I don’t care how many doctors are saying it’s BS, I’m all for it. You go naked into a steam room, it’s basically the same deal. And not to get too far into this reporter’s personal life but gosh be darned if a friend and I didn’t let keep our legs tightly crossed in the steam room at the Beverly Wilshire a couple weeks ago.

Workout Routines

Why are people getting their panties in a bunch over how much Gwyneth spends on Tracy Anderson. I’m not gonna get on any high horse spending $30 for less than an hour of Soul Cycle. It takes a lot of work to be the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So I say you go girl. You fucking go.

Conscious Uncoupling

Look, she came up with a term and people called pretentious. I call it a headline for a lifestyle magazine. Cosmo has had way worse euphemisms. Plus it provided ammo for the most wonderful, delicious, and passive aggressive lifestyle guru feud of all time. Jailbird Cake anyone? Now let’s talk post uncoupling. Chris Martin went straight from America’s most hated to most loved, Jennifer LawrenceSome say overcorrection. But what if that’s not the case? What if they’re just way more alike than we think? Maybe I’m praising Gwen, maybe I’m demonizing Jen, but regardless it’s a real thinker.

 

Look, I know Gwyny thinks it’s sexist to compare her to Blake Lively and Reese Witherspoon, but Preserve.us and whatever the hell Reese is calling her site ain’t got nothing on GOOP. Crying in Ubers? Well, we’ll just have to find out won’t we?

Take the quiz: How Gwyneth Paltrow are you? I’m only a little bit of Gwyneth but I’m working on it. Let me know what you scored. The higher the better, because Goopy is God.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/bricesander/id-rather-smoke-crack-than-eat-cheese-from-a-tin?utm_term=.xybv9Zmad

*A note on the line between love and hate: Is it just me, a previously hardcore devoted Hathahater (despite wanting to like her so badly due to our alleged physical resemblance), but did Anne Hathaway come off as likable when she slayed on Lip Sync Battle?

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Baby Got Back(pack)

tumblr_m3ewl2gy9p1qhw4wvo1_5001Chastity may love her Sketchers but only because she doesn’t have a Prada backpack

Look, I’m not going to judge anyone based on what they carry their books in. Except in some cases, in which I totally am. Roller backpacks come to mind. Unless you’re a pharmaceutical rep, just no. You look like you’re on your way to the airport, most likely for a trip to the national dork convention. Let’s look at some of our other options– I give you a whirlwind tour of totes and purses through the years and of course a look at the backpack itself.

Canvas Totes

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When I was in middle school, it was about time to graduate from a backpack to a tote. Canvas totes were all the rage as bookbags but if you really wanted to fit in/look cool, you needed one from Dylan’s Candy Bar in NYC. They came in  a few basic colors- white, black, blue, and pink. This may have just been thing at my school, started by someone after a trip back east, but nonetheless it was a trend I had no intention of missing out on.. I’m beginning to fear that I have been coming off in this blog as a slave to fads, but as I said this was when I was 12, and honestly back then I pretty much was. Anyway, the bag was actually a practical size for carrying books, and even as a gym or overnight bag. Not much of a purse though outside of academic and light luggage usages. Sure, over the years there have been other canvas bags (I often use this Thursday Friday Birkin tote), but my pink Dylan’s will always be the one that started it all.

LeSportsac

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Another trend that took over the halls all of a sudden. These were actually great, maybe because LeSportsac is a luggage company. They were weatherproof and the straps were meant not to break under the weight of textbooks (and maybe a laptop if you were fancy). They came in a variety of colors and patterns— I of course rejected every pattern my mom suggested as we browsed the brand’s corner in Bloomies and went with a really pretty solid deep purple. Pencil pouch to match, duh. They may have been built to last but they weren’t immune to the wear and tear of everyday use. By the end of it’s tenure, my trusty tote was frayed and thinned.

Longchamp

Longchamp Le Pliage Large Handbag Navy

 

I fell like these are a more mature  version of LeSportsacs. Identifiable by the leather straps and flap that folds over the zipper, they were more expensive but had a sleeker look to them than Lesportsacs. These are still all over the place, whether being used as bookbags, luggage, or even quite often, purses.

Chanel

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I’m Marissa fucking Cooper. Well, basically. A few years ago I got this great vintage navy Chanel tote and of course, began to carry my notebooks in it. Nothing to do with the label, I just really liked it. But don’t think for one second I didn’t realize that I was emulating what I saw as one of the coolest but also most ridiculous things in the holy grail of television that was The O.C.

Goyard St. Louis/Louis Vuitton Neverfull

EAS_SAS GoyardI have no idea who these randos are ps

You see these around a lot. I tried it for a bit but the lack of zipper proved to be too problematic. Also it always felt a bit flimsy to me. If you live somewhwhere where you don’t have the obstacle of rain or snow, go for it. But personally, I’m going to reserve my Goyard for social use and  transporting changes of clothes/shoes to soul cycle. Bonus: Major beach bag potential

Hemes Birkin/Kelly

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10-1 odds it’s fake. 100-1 odds you’re not fooling anybody. If it’s real…..STFU GTFO.

Jelly Kelly

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Yeah, I had one. (I stole it from my mom—it actually was not like a gross one—well as not gross as a Jelly Kelly can be). Yeah, I carried books in it for like 2 days. It was an experiment—sue me.

Jansport

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Finally we get to the classic backpack. This of course leads to the ever-present 1 strap or 2 dilemma, but let’s save that for another time. Everyone has had a Jansport at some point or another. Who doesn’t have the memory of the overwhelming cluster of them in Sports Chalet. The key was to find something cuter/more unique than the basic black but not go near some of the ugly, aggressive patterns. It wasn’t easy. I scored a beige corduroy and it was awesome. Later on I got this studded one which is still pretty sick. Anyway, the way this article came up is that I’ve been looking to buy a new one. Pretty sure I’ve settled on this one:

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If you take anything at all from this blog post, please know that this is a conscious, ironic fashion choice. If you see me around, know that I do not think I’m being trendy with velvet fur, please know that this just reminds me of the Spice Girls and a backpack I used to have in which I kept the Aqua single Barbie Girl.

Finally an “Ew Mention:”

Vera Bradley

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Honestly I never saw anyone use one of these but apparently they were a thing on the east coast? One word: No.