Harry Potter and My Journey of Self Discovery

You could say I’m obsessed with Harry Potter. But then again I constantly tell people I’ve met maybe five minutes earlier that I’m obsessed with them, so maybe obsessed is not even close to strong enough. Think you’re more into it? Challenge me to a trivia contest, I DARE YOU. Yes, I’ve seen all the movies a million times. Yes, I read all the books repeatedly,  buying them all at midnight* (which one year meant brainstorming with my mom how to sneak out of camp and her bribing an airport bookstore employee) and reading them straight through in about a day whether I was at a barbecue or at home forced to lock myself in my mother’s shoe closet.** And yes, I’ve even read them in Spanish. (That’s why my resume says I know how to say wand, house elf, and centaur in Spanish. Easily my most useful skill). I’ve read every supplementary book and website- Leaky Cauldron, HP Lexicon, and joined Pottermore early. I have an official wand. I was with you crying when my owl didn’t come. But I bet I got you beat here. I wrote my college essay (yes, my main personal statement) on Harry Potter.

Screen Shot 2015-07-25 at 3.39.17 PMNo need to read the whole thing. In fact please don’t. This is just proof.

Let’s get back to the content of my essay later. Specifically me being a Gryffindor. Anyway, I believe I’ve proved to you and many baffled admissions officers I’m a major Potterhead. So when they built The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (and especially the later extension) in Orlando***, I literally begged to go every chance I got. Anyway I don’t know how it took me so long, but I finally went last week. My godmother bet me I’d cry. No comment. I wrote a whole review but got rid of it and might post it later. Basically, it’s hard to describe the experience because on one hand it was the most wonderful place on Earth, but also I had such extremely high expectations–it couldn’t possibly be as great as I needed/thought it’d be, could it? I’m still digesting I think. For those of you who haven’t been. Go.

imagejpeg_0I even sat in Sirius’s motorcycle with my girl Rowan acting like she Harry and I’m Hagrid (no giant jokes please)

Coming Out of the Closet Cupboard Under the Stairs

see what i did there?!!!!

Hello. My name is Nicole. And I am a Slytherin. And I’m fucking proud of it. Not only by self identification, but even Pottermore placed me there. But by that point (when everyone who didn’t cheat is creating a new account so they can be sorted Gryffindor) I already knew I was a Slytherin.

slytherin

So I guess I should start by addressing the obvious. As you can see from my essay. I clearly lied in my college application. I said I’d be a Gryffindor. I actually found an earlier draft that was fucking awful and was entirely about me being sorted and why I’d be a Gryffindor and about bravery and shit. I mean I guess it wasn’t a lie because back then I probably thought I was a Gryffindor, but I still got accepted under false pretenses. For all I know, that could have been the deciding factor.†

So I’d like to issue a formal apology and appeal to Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda. I regret my words and hope that you do not rescind my admission and let me finish out my last year. I understand if you must put an asterisk on my diploma and transcript….it’s only fair. Or maybe some kind of anti-endorsement on my LinkedIn page? I don’t know, whatever actions you think necessary.

So anyway, being true to myself I bought myself a Slytherin robe at Madame Malkins, The talking mirror  told me that green was not my color, but let’s face it she was just jealous because I look hella good in green. At least half my closet is green. I tried not to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day but found it physically impossible. Unfortunately the lady who worked there literally wouldn’t let me buy the one I wanted because, exact quote, I am “bustier than most all other women” and when my adult companion suggested I wouldn’t always wear it buttoned, the woman snapped that Professor McGonagall would never stand for it. You gotta give it to her for her commitment, but the next size up was so much bigger I’m now stuck with a $100+ cloak (FYI, in the books that robe would have only cost 80 sickles which is $47.39 in American muggle money. I did an inflation calculation but I don’t want to bore you with all the factors of that) that could fit me and Malfoy in it. Small/Medium my ass. 

I guess I’m dressing as Sexy Pansy Parkinson for the next 5 Halloweens…. 

slytherin

I want to make it very clear… despite the above photo, while I am a Slytherin, I AM NOT A DEATH EATER. (well obviously none of us are actually death eaters but I mean if I were really in that world I wouldn’t be one). It’s just Dark Marks are the only tattoos in the HP world and tattoos are awesome. As for why I’m using Voldemorts sword: #fortheinsta.

Don’t worry…..I also went full Harry/Dumbeledore’s Army on my other side:

lies

Anyway, here’s how I see it. First of all, not all Slytherins are evil. Fucking Merlin was a Slytherin. So ha! Though I don’t know much about Merlin so maybe ha me? Pottermore literally calls it “the coolest and edgiest house in the school.” It’s like being in a sorority wear everyone wears all black and does coke, but cooler because like magic and shit. Also, I could wear snakeskin print till the cows come home, so I got that covered.

Let’s go process of elimination. I’m not a Hufflepuff. One of their defining traits is patience. Yeah fucking right. I haven’t waited in a line for more than 2 minutes since I was like 5 years old. And that was one time to buy a Furby. I’m certainly not a RavenclawIn my 4 years at Penn, I’ve been in the library a total of 2 times. And only because I was basically forced. So it’s down to Gryffindor and Slytherin. I can say I’m brave and heroic all I want but when was the last time I saved a baby from a burning building? EXACTLY. Cunning and resourceful? Check. Ambitious? Yeah, when I take my ADD meds. Plus, I’m kind of a bitch.

And my love for Harry? Well first of all, I also totally crushed on Malfoy. In the movies not the books duh. Tom Felton is everything

150603105711-harry-potter-draco-then-now-super-169total cutie when we were young, and total fox now

But I could be a Slytherin and still totally be with Harry. We would totally be star-crossed lovers. Like Romeo and Juliet with a happy ending. Or no happy ending I don’t give a shit. All I’m saying, that I, even as a Slytherin, am a WAY better match than that fucking Ginny Weasley. Like fuck that trick.

Anyway, as you can see, I’ve put a lot of thought into why I am a Slytherin. But then again…..it could just be because green looks better on me. Actually, knowing me, the decision was definitely fashion based. Military jackets here I come!

*starting with the 5th book (at the bookstore below the across from the food court before they redid Century City, remember that?!). After all, I was only like 7 when the 4th was released and even my mom wouldn’t have made that big of a compromise on bedtime at that age.

**Both true stories. When I was finishing the final book, my parents were in the backyard with visiting family just talking so I got as far away and secluded as possible. Keep in mind, this was the quiet side of the family–the Resnikoffs, had the other side been over, I’d probably have had to get myself to another zip code for the peace and quiet I’d need.

***Mixed feelings on the Hollywood version opening. A) How big will it be and B) RIP Gibson Amphitheater whyyyyyyyy

† Although identifying as Slytherin would have probably been edgier and more unique. Fuck, maybe I would have gotten in early!

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A Dear John (Cho) Letter

So I tend to go back and forth about what I want to do for a living, but if there’s one constant it’s that a large part of me wants to be a power player in entertainment for one very specific reason: to make John Cho Hollywood’s biggest star. It may be running a studio and putting him in starring roles in the biggest movies or  maybe being his agent and working my ass off for him, but I’m all about Mission Cho.

Here’s the thing…John Cho is one of the most important actor people of our time. Skeptical? Well here’s an red-letter day in history: July 9, 1999. American Pie was released and the word MILF was introduced into the cultural lexicon. And don’t act like that’s not a big deal, between all of the spin-offs (DILF, GILF, etc), John basically started a cultural revolution.* With those few words, “Duuuuuude, that chicks a MILF,” John Cho took his place in pop-culture history. You’d think MILF! MILF! MILF! would have earned him a spot on the A-List. If not the chanting, at the very least the image of him drunkenly making out with a framed photo on the wall of Jennifer Coolidge.

Not to say he hasn’t done great things, he just deserves so much better. I mean, he was only credited as “MILF Guy #2” — seriously, not even main MILF Guy?!! All “MILF Guy #1 did was ask what the hell a MILF was and basically be John Cho’s sidekick! At least for American Pie 2 and American Wedding they named him “John” (very creative), but curiously went back to crediting him as MILF Guy #2 in American Reunion, according to imdb, despite having a much larger role (and facial hair) in this installment.

He really ought to be a leading man. Yes, he has had some starring roles, but in nothing big besides Harold and Kumarand having a lead role doesn’t a leading man make. He’s funny and handsome and there’s no reason he shouldn’t be up there with the likes of Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Joseph-Gordon Levitt, and Paul Rudd. Maybe there’s something to be said of the lack of asian movie stars, I don’t know. All I do know, is that I’d love to see him as the lead in a great Rom-Com (preferably opposite Malin Ackerman because I feel the same way about her), or in a dramatic role worthy of Best Lead Actor nominations, or as a superhero in a future Marvel or DC blockbuster. At the very least I want a great TV show for him, which leads me to his new show, Selfie.

Before I talk Selfie, I don’t think a John Cho post would be complete without a paragraph on Harold and Kumar. John Cho is great in what, despite the cultural impact of MILF Guy #2, is his defining/most well known role as Harold. He plays the straight-man to Kal Penn‘s Kumar and but still shows a zany side. And his romantic storyline in White Castle is evidence of how great he’d be headlining his own Rom-Com. And as funny as the trilogy is and as much as he gained a fan-base from it that even extends past the obvious stoners, this was not the star-maker that it should have been for either Kal or John. Really, it was only a career catalyst (in the way it should have been for John) for Neil Patrick Harris, although I will admit this is deservedly so.

Harold-Kumar-harold-and-kumar-19466197-500-282

While I’m not settling for anything less than Hollywood Royalty, I love John as the fencing helmsman of the USS Enterprise in the Star Trek reboot. It’s a great franchise and Sulu is an iconic role. And not that I’m a trekkie, but apparently in the original movies, Sulu eventually becomes captain of his own ship, so maybe we’ll see John starring in a Star Trek down the line?

He has of course had small parts in tons of movies over the years and found himself guesting on some of my favorite TV shows including seducing Marshall in How I Met Your Mother and cooking meth as a stereotypical Québécois (in that he’s good at karate) in 30 Rock. His most promising was his role on FlashForward, a show that got cancelled way too soon and unfairly.

Okay, let’s talk Selfie. It’s a modern telling of My Fair Ladyrevolving around social media. As the Henry Higgins character, named Henry Higenbottam (possibly by the same person who came up with “John?”), he works to “rebrand” social media star Eliza Dooley’s image. When I first heard John Cho was starring in an ABC show, I was obviously very very excited. But as soon as I got more info, I had immediate reservations. I mean the name itself would prevent me from watching it if it weren’t for John. I think everyone rolled their eyes when they heard the title, so no explanation necessary here. But bad titles have riddled good TV shows before– Don’t Trust the B In Apartment 23, the ever-so wonderful Trophy Wife (Yay Malin!), and of course, Cougar TownOf course things didn’t go so well for Apt 23 and Trophy Wife, and Cougar Town seems to live in limbo. The premise of Selfie doesn’t really seem sustainable, but that doesn’t mean it can’t evolve.

It premieres on ABC September 30, but I watched it early and have some thoughts (as can you via the link above). Understandably, the theme song seems to be #Selfie (at least thank god they didm’t but a hashtag in the title of the show!**) We get off to a good start, John…Henry…. comes straight out the gate saying what we’re all thinking #blessed. There’s some Austin Powers like wordplay but it kind of works. Without getting into too many details, I’d just like to point out they’re taking the jif pronunciation stance over gif. But ugh, are we really supposed to be taking this seriously? At least true to its name, the show stays pretty true to its social media references through graphics. Not that I like it. Like I get it, you can tag people on Instagram and you’re using Siri and iPhones make that little bloop when you send a text. But let’s get back to the man of the hour: John Cho is great as the behind-the-times grump…it’s very John Cho. Oof..warning…there’s a Let It Go reference. John Cho is great as the uptight, perpetually single, Henry. I certainly have issues with how heavily they rely on the “properness” or “englishness” of My Fair Lady, but for what he’s given John Cho is great in it. I don’t know how long this can last, but I can only hope it propels him into something worthy!

So here comes the letter part: John, if you’re out there reading this, I guess my question to you is, where can I send my resume? And I assume you’ll want my info to give your lawyers for the restraining order and all. Either way, you can reach me by email at nicole@cryinginubers.com

* Okay, yes I know technically it was the writers, but you know….

Ed Note: Sorry was the title misleading? I am in no way breaking up with John Cho

So Many TV Boyfriends You Could Call Me A TV Slut

Ugh. Guys in real life. Just ugh, am I right ladies? TV characters, that’s where it’s at. We crush on all these celebrities (I really do mean we here- I’m one of the worst offenders), but a lot of the time we’re really in love with the characters these actors play. Of course there are exceptions, but a lot of the persona we build up in our mind is supplemented by their on-screen roles, even if subconsciously so. So here’s a list of my favorite men on TV, who I obviously pretend are my real boyfriends at night. (I’ve chosen to omit any animated characters because I’m really trying to come off as semi normal here)

The-Mindy-Project-Weiner-Night-12-PortableDanny Castellano

Danny Castellano from The Mindy Project is the perfect man. He really is. I’ll admit that I see Mindy Lahiri/Mindy Kaling (I choose to make no distinction between the two) as more than just a kindred spirit but really just an extension of myself, and thereby think that Danny and I are soulmates with that incredible chemistry he and Mindy share. But still, even without the Mindy connection, he is everything. Is there really anything sexier than a grumpy old man in a young man’s body? What could be better than a hot-looking curmudgeon? Danny has that kind of douchey streak woman seem to be so attracted to, but instead of being a bad boy, it’s just that he’s a bit of a crank. He’s a no nonsense true blue New Yorker who knows his Springsteen from his Mellencamp. He can rocks a leather jacket just as well as his grandma reading glasses. He’s also gorgeous. I first took notice of Chris Messina when he appeared as Claire’s Christian-Rock-loving Conservative boyfriend Ted on Six Feet Under. Although we do get a great shot of his butt in the finale, I remember being conflicted about whether he was really hot or really not. There was something about his features that I knew I either loved or hated, and I think at first I settled on thinking he was ugly. But with time I realized how hot he was, and there’s nothing that makes me happier than his crooked half smile. Sure Chris is on the shorter side, so Danny’s attitude may be a bit due to “Tiny Douchebag Syndrome,” but as long as Danny keeps his height complex in check, I don’t mind. Also, while being a good Catholic boy may only be a big selling point to me, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt in everyone else’s eyes that he’s a successful doctor. Plus, NEVER FORGET.

bass-basketballChuck Bass

I’m in love with him, but I’m not entirely sure Ed Westwick is actually so hot, based on physical looks alone. We’ll never know though, because as long as we associate him with Chuck Bass, he will always be beyond dreamy. Now let’s keep in mind, we’re talking about Chuck from the show, not the Gossip Girl books, duh. I never thought I could be so attracted to a guy who was so into scarves. There is a side to Chuck that is very in touch with his metrosexuality. While I’m not normally into that, I think if a guy has a certain attitude (yes, that attitude is basically that of a douchebag), an extensive section of lilac in his closet is not just excusable, but even attractive. Plus, I find that when British guys speak in an American accent, it’s way sexier than a British accent could ever be. Just like in the case of Danny and Mindy, I feel a connection to Blair Waldorf, which probably contributes to my Chuck love. Maybe I wouldn’t like him so much if I were “a Serena” (ugh) but in no world do I see myself obsessing over Nate or, even grosser, Dan….ewwwwww. Girls want a bad boy with just a hint of something that makes them believe they can change him. Not sure if that’s the case here, but Chuck turned out to be a real romantic. Don’t pretend like you didn’t swoon when he finally said those 3 words, 8 letters. Ughhhhh that Mother Chucker!!

eeeb69a7d15a8a26c497f4829a4a3ca3Jesse Pinkman

Yes, I know we all love world’s greatest The Price Is Right contestant Aaron Paul himself, but that doesn’t take away from the undying love we have for Breaking Bad‘s drug dealer with a heart of gold. Sure he dressed like a Juggalo,* but I think I speak for all of us when I say I’d love to find myself in his own private domicile and be his very own pretty little bird. If it weren’t for all the drug issues, and also really the situations his girlfriends tend to find themselves in, Jesse would be the perfect guy. Over five seasons, I fell more in love with every yo and bitch. Didn’t it just break your heart when Jane died? Obviously the crazy part of me was like, yes! now he’s single! You’re just a monster if you didn’t feel love for him as he teared up at Gale‘s door. I love me some Pinkman so much I’m almost afraid Jesse has made smoking/cooking/dealing meth sexy. Like will meth go in the plus column when considering future men? I hope I’m smarter than that, but if someone reminds me that much of Jesse, I might not be able to be accounted for. Honorable Mention for Breaking Bad hottie goes to Badger. His husky voice and Star Trek fan fiction propelled him right into my heart. For those of you into Walt Jr., just no….go eat some breakfast.

Daryl Dixon (Norman Reedus) with his trusty crossbow.Daryl Dixon

The character appeals to me a bit the way Jesse Pinkman did, but I can’t tell if actor Norman Reedus‘ attractiveness (after initial disinterest) is due to the Chris Messina effect or the Ed Westwick effect. The former being that his features straddle the line between very hot and ugly, the latter being that me being so in love with his character has made me think he is more attractive than I would otherwise. I think it’s mostly the first, with maybe a bit of the second. When my mom first showed me this guy from The Walking Dead she thought I would think was so hot, I thought he was totally creepy. And honestly, a lot of that is probably the haircut he’s stuck with in the zombie apocalypse. But a few episodes in, I was infatuated with yet another bad boy with a heart of gold. He’s a southern loner with a crossbow, leather vest, and hog, and I love it all. He really sealed the heart of gold aspect on his quest to find Sophia and his resulting relationship with CarolCouldn’t you just die? I mean if he cooked me up some squirrel, I’d eat it. Sure I’d rather he take me to Nobu, but beggars can’t be choosers. Okay, I take it back…the only way I’m eating squirrel is if it’s AT Nobu and even then I’ll probably stick to artichoke salad and tuna tacos. If you don’t watch The Walking Dead, honestly it’s worth it just for Daryl. Let’s put it this way, if Daryl dies, I riot.

300px-B&MMarshall Eriksen and Barney Stinson

A lot of this one is Jason Segel. I love me some Jason Segel. And not this skinny Jason Segel in Sex Tape but I’m talking more to love How I Met Your Mother/Forgetting Sarah Marshall** Jason Segel. Marshall is funny and quirky and a huge romantic, actually probably too much of one sometimes. He’s a great husband, dad, and Big Foot researcher. If I were a ghost, I’d haunt him. I can’t really explain it, but he is just so freaking lovable. He’s cuddly bitch!  I could never have anything serious with him (or anything at all Nicki you big idiot he is a fictional character), but Barney is well dressed and pretty hot. Neil Patrick Harris plays him so smooth but also so ridiculous. Really, lady killer Barney was kind of a dork– he was obsessed with magic and Star Wars and kind of even made them cool. I never really liked him and Robin and I think part of that was based on a completely irrational jealousy. Look, if I were in the HIMYM universe and Barney hit on me, I probably wouldn’t fall for anything from The Playbook, but I’d probably still go home with him because he was pretty hot.*** Note: I didn’t include Ted because let’s be real Teddy Westside was kind of annoying. It’s one thing to be romantic, but he was just a little too much. Josh Radnor is definitely hot though, and I kind of hope he goes gray soon because he is going to be a total silver fox.

1133889376_1148Jim Halpert and Ryan Howard†

Ahhh, the men of The Office. Two very different guys. Let’s just get Ryan out of the way. Yes, he’s a total asshole. No, there’s probably not good deep down. But, Kelly and Ryan’s story was one for the ages. And as I said, I always put myself in the place of Mindy’s characters so I was all about the temp. The whole reason I even got into the office in the first place was for Kelly and Ryan. Okay, now Jim. John Krasinski definitely benefits from the whole phenomenon of a not necessarily attractive actor becoming hot because his character is so great. Sure, he’s probably the best dressed guy in Hollywood and his prank war with Jimmy Kimmel is amazing and he and Emily Blunt are one of the cutest couples out there, but before I watched the office I did not get him at all. Jim is just sweet and hilarious and the ultimate prankster which is great. Who’da thought Jim Face was such a turn on?

tumblr_kvns7rjvZj1qzczc7o1_500Chandler Bing

Could he be any more lovable?†† Sure Matthew Perry is good-looking, but what really made Chandler so great was that he was the funny one. I like a sarcastic joker and that’s exactly what Chandler was. Whenever Thanksgiving rolled around, he had that grumpy Grinch-like quality I find ever so endearing, all while making me laugh. Maybe he was a bit over the top, but whether he was emaciated or a bit chubby, Miss Chanandler Bong always did it for me. Also he wore Free City once which I loved. The other Friends: Well, Ross didn’t make this list because, duh, he was the worst. And while I always thought Matt LeBlanc was hot, Joey is really just a less hot (personality-wise), poorly-dressed version of Barney, so I didn’t need to write up both.

NG_NICK_SCHMIDT_ANNIVERSARY_640x360_19559491665Schmidt and Nick Miller

I really should be Team Schmidt. He’s got that douchey, metrosexual flavor that makes him exactly my type. And when New Girl first started, I really did crush on him. For some reason I just am not as into him as my other TV beaus. I don’t know, there’s just something missing. Ever notice how Max Greenfield always seems so much hotter in everything else? Plus, he will never ever be as great or as hot as he was as Deputy Leo in Veronica Mars. Nick, on the other hand, I find myself really loving. Sure, Jake Johnson‘s nose is kind of busted, but I’d still hit it. Nick is such a curmudgeon, I love it. When I said earlier that I loved an old man disguised as a hot guy, Nick Miller is basically the epitome of that. If he really wants to be marriage material he should probably get his shit together (idk, has he? I kind of stopped watching), but even as a total, grumpy mess, I love him. Honorable Mention: Coach. GTFO Winston.

dexter-season-6-dexter-maniac-murderer-splashing-blood-michael-c_-hallDexter Morgan

Dexter may have been a serial killer, but Michael C. Hall was SMOKING HOT. Like for real though. He’s probably the most physically attractive on this entire list. Well, except 2 down. Also not to be pervy, but was it not pretty sexual when he’d plastic rap his naked victims and and hover over them. He even hooked up with one one time. I’d start murdering if it meant I ended up on his table. Dark Passenger Dexter, of course, not lumberjack Dexter.

tumblr_n0w5nmoykK1qj13q4o2_500Logan Echolls

If you haven’t watched Veronica Mars, I can’t suggest it highly enough. My friend Ali got me into it about a year and a half ago and I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve watched the series through like 3 or 4 times since then. (okay, a little ashamed)  I don’t want to get to into where the character goes because I really hope that at least 1 of the 5 people who actually read this ends up watching the show. Logan may be Neptune High’s “obligatory psychotic jackass” but he’s my number one dream guy. Seriously guys, just watch. Jason Dohring may not seem like such a looker to you now, but 3/4 through Season One you’ll be hanging his picture on your wall. Believe me, you’ll get past the necklace and learn to love the voice.

White-CollarNeal Caffrey

I mean, duh. Like why even waste space explaining this one? I mean, Matt Bomer? More like Matt Boner!†††

13256928071Tony Almeida

Those of you who watched 24 know what I’m talking about. Jack Bauer was hot, but I was obsessed with Tony. I didn’t even watch the new season because as far as I know, Carlos Bernard is not in it. Just ask my friends…Second Semester freshman year I couldn’t get through 3 sentences without talking about Tony.

Vlcsnap-2013-07-13-17h59m41s97Tony DiNozzo and Leroy Jethro Gibbs

I’m going to assume most of my readers are under 70, and therefore don’t watch NCIS. That’s okay. I do. Like I’m pretty into it. Whatever. Just turn on USA and almost guaranteed NCIS or Law and Order: SVU will be on. Anyway, not only is Michael Weatherly very attractive (I feel like he’s what Chris Pine swoon will look like in 10/15 years), but he plays a cocky movie trivia aficionado, which is just the most perfect combination. And there’s really not much to say about Gibbs, except that Mark Harmon is a total silver fox. I don’t have daddy issues, I swear!

jack-both-waysJack Donaghy

Right now you’re either thinking I’m crazy or nodding your head in total agreement. It just depends if a conservative, Catholic ladies man/businessman is your type or not. For some people it isn’t, no judgement. Plus, Alec Baldwin wasn’t too hard on the eyes back in the day. Also I loved DannyCheyenne Jackson was criminally underused on 30 Rock.

psych1Shawn Spencer

He was goofy and a total 80’s trivia buff. Honestly let’s be real, I need some kind of crush to really keep me interested in a TV show (Why do you think I watched Drop Dead Diva, but for Fred and Grayson?), and James Roday was the eye candy that brought me to Psych.

Late Night with Jimmy FallonZack Morris

The ultimate throwback. He could stop time and sweet-talk his way out of any mess he undoubtedly got himself into. The only thing bigger than his cell phone was his hunk factor. He’s one of the few blonde guys I can really get behind. Oh get your mind out of the gutter… and that doesn’t even make sense! Let’s just also include every other Mark-Paul Gosselaar character post-Saved By The Bell too because he’s just perfect.

Shoutout to all the others who I’m sure I forgot. Oh, and also Christian Troy from Nip/Tuck, Jeff and Troy from Community and Leo and Chris Wyatt from Charmed. And Mr. Big from Sex And The City who had his own section in the post, but I took it out last minute.

*I can’t take full credit for this…the BB Honest Trailer called Jesse a Juggalo and it blew my mind

**wait, how am I just now realizing Sarah Marshall/Marshall Eriksen? Oh right, because it’s literally nothing

***I was going to say it’d be legen-wait for it-dary but I thought I’d be a little less cheesy/predictable than that

† Wait, The Office took place in Pennsylvania and had a character named Ryan Howard? Huh….

†† Ugh, so much for not being cheesy/predictable

††† Let’s be honest, no one would blame you if you stopped reading after that one