A Love Letter to Gwyneth Paltrow: there’s a fine line between love and hate

It’s hard to define Crying in Ubers. Maybe you consider it a comedy blog, maybe you think it’s just some psycho rambling every like 6 months or whatever, but most likely do you don’t even think of it at all. Well, I’d like to think of it as a lifestyle website. So why not mark my triumphant return (sorry I’ve been MIA but literally anxiety stops me from posting literally every time I consider opening my laptop) than with an ode to THE Lifestyle Guru of our generation. No, not Martha, although she was beyooooond hilarious at the Justin Bieber Roast. No, not Oprah. I’m talking Goopy herself, Miss Gwyneth Paltrow.

Look, I get it. It’s a fine line between love and hate. A few months ago I could go on a rant about her on the spot, never mind being unable to suppress an eye roll at every talk show appearance and pull quote posted all over the internet. I was right there with y’all buying a ticket to see Contagion just to watch her die. But now I’m Team Goop all the way.*

Sure, she seems pretentious and unlikable and completely ungrounded in reality. And that fuels the haters. But one morning I woke up and realized, that’s exactly what makes her so great. Don’t we all aspire to be so rich and fabulous and cultured that we can look down on literally all of America? Well, I do. So I’m appointing her my official (and therefore this site’s) life coach.

Why is she officially America’s most hated celeb? I mean she’s bffs with Jay Z and Beyoncè…that used to be enough to give anyone street cred. And don’t stone me here but is she really that different from the CHOSEN couple? Bey poured a bottle of Ace of Spades into a hot tub, and even if it wasn’t really full of champagne, is that really any worse than endorsing a $5,000 juicer or a hangover cure that involves racing between a hot bath and freezing shower?

She can’t connect with “regular” people

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I remember a lot of the hating starting when she released her cookbook, My father’s daughter. People were enraged that her recipes called for a wogwynnod burning pizza oven. Even she admitted it was a luxury. And I’m sorry you know when you’re buying a book by Gwyneth Paltrow it’s not Sonja’s microwave cookbook. Like take a fucking chill pill America. Yeah, it does sound like a great investment. And if I ate carbs fuck yes i’d get one too. She fucking owns who she is. If you’re going on Goop, don’t expect to find best buys from Old Navy. That’s not what Goop is. And that’s not what it’s pretending to be. People freaked out because it cost a little over $100K to buy everything on the Goop 2014 Gift Guide. If you look at a gift guide and buy everything then it’s you’re own business buddy. Maybe that’s the upside to having no friends like me, I don’t have to buy all those gifts. Whatever fuck the haters she has great suggestions. Honestly, it would be a crime to not reccommend the Hermès Avalon Blanket when you have the platform to do so. Because as Gwen says, If only we could buy these in bulk. She can’t pretend to be poor but she tries to understand the plight. She took the food stamp challenge. I mean she failed, but she lasted 4 days. Yet, where’s her award and praise? NO FUCKING WHERE. How dare you people not recognize her acheivement.

Food snobbery in general

Goopy once told my current boss, “I would rather die than let my kids eat Cup-a-Soup.” So fine she’s a drama queen. She’s an actress! But it’s not like my mom let me eat it. Honestly until this very moment I had no idea what it was. I thought she was talking about like Top Ramen. After seeing what it really is I don’t think we can really fault her. More recently, Queen G got a collective side-eye from everyone for this fun lil tidbit: “I would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.” Once again, I have absolutely no idea what cheese from a tin is. It sounds disgusting. But I’m not sure I’m ready to give her a complete pass here. Crack? Really? Crack? I get that she’s trying to go as lowbrow as possible here but as much as I love a good exaggeration I think crack is just too far. Come on, Gwyny….couldn’t you have just switched out one letter and said crank? Crystal Meth is just as disgusting and povo. I mean, in the immortal words of Whitney Houston: “Crack is cheap. [You] make too much money to ever smoke crack. Crack is whack!” I get that it’s a subtle nod to it but come on, even in hyperbole you can’t stoop that low Gwyneth. Say that you’d rather smoke crystal. And not any of that primo Walter White blue shit. I mean if you had said I’d rather smoke bottom barrel crystal than eat cheese from a tin, I’d be with you girl but you didn’t and I’ll always have Whitney’s words ringing in my ears.

Vagina Steams

Look, Shailene Woodley told everyone to sun their bag’s and it was the stupidest thing ever. No way no chance I’ll ever be team Shay. But if Gwyneth wants to pay $200 for a vag steam I say you go girl. I don’t care how many doctors are saying it’s BS, I’m all for it. You go naked into a steam room, it’s basically the same deal. And not to get too far into this reporter’s personal life but gosh be darned if a friend and I didn’t let keep our legs tightly crossed in the steam room at the Beverly Wilshire a couple weeks ago.

Workout Routines

Why are people getting their panties in a bunch over how much Gwyneth spends on Tracy Anderson. I’m not gonna get on any high horse spending $30 for less than an hour of Soul Cycle. It takes a lot of work to be the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So I say you go girl. You fucking go.

Conscious Uncoupling

Look, she came up with a term and people called pretentious. I call it a headline for a lifestyle magazine. Cosmo has had way worse euphemisms. Plus it provided ammo for the most wonderful, delicious, and passive aggressive lifestyle guru feud of all time. Jailbird Cake anyone? Now let’s talk post uncoupling. Chris Martin went straight from America’s most hated to most loved, Jennifer LawrenceSome say overcorrection. But what if that’s not the case? What if they’re just way more alike than we think? Maybe I’m praising Gwen, maybe I’m demonizing Jen, but regardless it’s a real thinker.

 

Look, I know Gwyny thinks it’s sexist to compare her to Blake Lively and Reese Witherspoon, but Preserve.us and whatever the hell Reese is calling her site ain’t got nothing on GOOP. Crying in Ubers? Well, we’ll just have to find out won’t we?

Take the quiz: How Gwyneth Paltrow are you? I’m only a little bit of Gwyneth but I’m working on it. Let me know what you scored. The higher the better, because Goopy is God.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/bricesander/id-rather-smoke-crack-than-eat-cheese-from-a-tin?utm_term=.xybv9Zmad

*A note on the line between love and hate: Is it just me, a previously hardcore devoted Hathahater (despite wanting to like her so badly due to our alleged physical resemblance), but did Anne Hathaway come off as likable when she slayed on Lip Sync Battle?

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Before and Beyond the Kardashians…Reality TV: A Retrospective

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Remember when reality shows started to take over television? We all joked that eventually we’d just be watching people sitting around watching TV. Well, apparently that’s what it’s come to. The People’s Couch on Bravo is just that. Yes, it’s based on a British show, so we can’t blame this entirely on cutie-pie shark Andy Cohen…but still. Personally, I would develop my own show called Meta, which is of course just me watching The People’s Couch…while I have no doubt it would be a hit, you could not pay me enough to actually watch an episode of TPC. Anyway, seeing an ad for TPC inspired to take a look at some of the best and worst reality TV and see how we got ourselves to this point.

The Simple Life

Say all you want about Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie— actually don’t I will defend them to the death– but at least they did something on their show. The Simple Life was no Kardashians sitting at home talking about how annoying Kim is being about her new Bentley (that is a real episode, people)– this was Paris and Nicole sitting on a farm talking about how cool a Bentley tractor would be. Really The Simple Life was deep: it took us into the homes of rural America. And they did  something. They worked. They made differences in people’s lives. They lived on a farm in Arkansas, road tripped ’round the country, worked for an airline, a mortuary, a summer camp, all while staying with regular families– including Ke$ha’s!* (That’s hot) We watched Nicole go from chubby with ratty extensions and black streaks to anorexic** and bobbed. Ugh, remember that season when they were fighting and had to do the show separately? Sure the competition and staged confrontation were fun, but like it was just so stressful for us. Were you Team Paris or Team Nicole? Don’t worry I’ll do celebrity feuds soon. 

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Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Ugh. The first family of reality TV. I know the title implied that this wouldn’t be about them, but it wouldn’t be a Komplete look at reality TV without mentioning the omnipresent Kardashians. First of all, I highly suggest you go back and watch earlier seasons. RIP Kim and Reggie Bush (true soul mates #NoDisrespectToKanye #NoDisrespectToBenAffleck). It’s amazing to see how different everyone looked back then. Rob was thin and cheating on a Cheetah Girl (how dare he?!!). Plus, Bruce Jenner was still a man. They also manufactured stories a lot more dramatic, whereas now we’re so invested in this family we’re content to watch them do literally nothing but deal with their relationships. I think in Judaism we don’t believe in the devil, but I’m pretty sure they’ve changed those teachings since we’ve been introduced to Kris Jenner. Are we sure she isn’t Rosemary’s Baby? Let’s not even deal with Bruce– I can’t. Ditto for Kendall and Kylie, like shut up literally the most spoiled brats, at least make a fucking sex tape like a hardworking Kardashian.*** Obviously Lord Disick is a God and is the only reason I watch. Kourtney is the luckiest “doll” on Earth. Although, it’s hilarious Scott and Khloé are bffs, weren’t they enemies earlier on? Speaking of KoKo, yes the circumstances of her split with Lamar are horrible, but everyone is saying how no one her age should have to get divorced– um hello KIM IS ON HER THIRD HUBBY! Speaking of which, if she couldn’t end up with Reg (ugh they were just so perfect and cute), I think she should have stayed with the Hump. LOL Ray J.

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Talent Competitions

Let’s be real, for every Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, there are 10 Taylor Hickses and Fantasias. American Idol was great at the beginning, but maybe it’s time to bow out. The Voice got me back into singing shows– the revolutionary format was enticing…until you realized that after the auditions it was pretty much the same. The judges dynamic was enough to bring views in (Blaaaaaaaake), something they’ve tried to mimic with new judges on AI and The X Factor, but I’m not biting. America’s Got Talent, however, is a family event in the Rez House. It’s a true talent show, but can get aggravating to see who’s auditioning– I’m sorry but you’re competing for a show in Vegas– no one is going to Vegas to see a contemporary dance troop of 10 year olds or a preteen playing piano. ALSO THE PLATE FLIPPER FROM THE CLIPPERS GAMES!! Highlights are always comics and magicians- also those dogs that won and my personal favorite, the guy whose talent was getting hit in the balls! Other faves are Last Comic Standing and the ever-wonderful Project Runway. Project Runway was just so original and the characters are just the best. ANTM is also great if you need a good laugh…Oh Tyra. Also let’s be real Shark Tank is the shit–a) it makes Mark Cuban likable and b) Robert Herjavec is amazing (yum). Finally, Chopped is my favorite show ever.

harrysSame guy right?

Dating Competition Shows

Fox recently cancelled I Wanna Marry Harry midseason, and I’m very upset about it. First of all, how could you leave us hanging like this, Fox? Obviously it only had the potential for one season, couldn’t you just stick it out? And, America, why weren’t y’all watching? How could you not wany to see a bunch of girls dumb enough to believe not only that FOURTH IN LINE TO THE THRONE OF ENGLAND decided to televise a bunch of Yanks competing for his love?? Firstly, like why were they not suspicious that he was into all these brunettes… EVERYONE KNOWS HARRY ONLY GOES FOR BLONDES. I mean it’s one this to believe the premise, but these girls spent time with the impostor and still believed he was Prince Harry! It was Joe Millionaire (which made it 2 seasons) but with competitors dumber than Paris, Nicole, and Kim combined! I’ve never seen The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, but I can’t imagine them being any more entertaining than this. I at least have some respect for shows like Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, I Love New York, etc. because at least they’re not pretending to be anything they’re not. All these women on all these shows are batshit crazy.

Real Housewives

Has anyone ever noticed that the majority of the Housewives aren’t even wives? Nothing wrong with being single, but maybe Andy Cohen should have named it (Sort of) Real (Sort of) Rich Women? I started watching these when Beverly Hills came out (although also extremely misleading because I think literally 1 of them actually lives in BH, but I get the brand-name recognition). Like sorry but it hasn’t been worth it since the best character, Paul Nassif, left. TG he has a new show on E!, Botched. Yeah, at the beginning we were all obsessed with Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle Richards–we were all like OMG Mauricio is such a DILF, but I’m so over it. I do love RHOA though. I miss Kim though. Also, how exactly did NeNe become a star again? She is literally the worst actor and the most annoying person alive. Like obsessed with everyone else though. The greatest jewel of the franchise was the short-lived RHODC. In all fairness I only saw the reunion and maybe a couple of episodes, but White House Crasher Mikaela Salahi should have made it a hit. Bravo finally nixed the RH title with their new shows Ladies of London– which is essentially a Real Housewives and is actually pretty great.

giphyIt was a Lexus. Her life was ruined.

My Super Sweet 16

Hilary Duff sang the theme song so every episode started off perfectly. (Wasn’t Come Clean the Laguna Beach theme? HilDuff really carved out a niche for herself on MTV) Who didn’t start planning their own 16th after each episode? The kids were brats but, like, entertaining brats. A girl’s party took over an entire school, but like I feel like that didn’t happen at my high school. I would have loved to see My Super Sweet Bat Mitzvah, and I hate to admit it, but I could have easily been on that. For sure, my tantrums were bigger than some on the show, and my party was just as extravagant as some on the show. #TBT to my Bat Mitzvah drama– I had originally listed a bunch of stuff but I think this deserves its own post down the road… here’s a taste though: at one point, my dad offered me any car I could ever want (a la Sweet 16) to get me to stop crying! (I also forgot to bring a bra which got inappropriate) Most importantly though, America’s Sweetheart and my future BFF Jennifer Lawrence was in a commercial!

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Laguna Beach/The Hills

I’ve actually never seen any of these so not much I can say. Having said that, I do know who Lauren Conrad, Brody Jenner, Kristen Cavallari, Speidi, etc. are. What is kind of amazing about this is that these shows completely created celebrities out of nothing (but maybe the popularity of The O.C.). We already knew Paris and Kim (quite intimately) when The Simple Life and KUWTK first aired, but LC was just a high schooler who is now a “fashion designer” and “published writer.”

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Storage Wars

People complain that A&E will make shows about literally anything, but Storage Wars is a goldmine. My cousin introduced me to it when we were in Hawaii and we spent literally an entire day inside watching a marathon– it may have been the best day of the trip. Barry is one of the most entertaining characters on TV, and I’m pretty sure his sole reason for doing this is to make friends, and boy has he. There’s also a married couple on the show who fight so much that their poorly matched relationship could be its own show. Except no one would watch because they’re so annoying– then again we’re on Season 9 of KUWTK.

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Newlyweds/Chaotic, etc.

The general takeaway from the Newlyweds was that Jessica Simpson was dumber than dumb (or was at least pretending to be) and that Chicken of The Sea was in fact fish, not chicken. The real takeaway, however, should have been DO NOT DO A REALITY SHOW IF YOU WANT TO STAY TOGETHER. (I’d worry about you, Giuliana and Bill, if I cared enough about you) Reality shows lead to divorce. Don’t believe me? Just ask Britney and K-Fed, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker, the Gosselins, Hulk Hogan, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, Tori and Dean (maybe), hell even Khloe and Lamar had their own show. The exception that proves the rule is clearly Ice Loves Coco, which chronicles real, honest to god, true love.

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The Real World

I’ve never seen it but I thought I had to include it because I feel like it really is the foundation of reality TV. I’m putting it last instead of first because I want to talk about the fact that they tried to make reality movies a thing. The Real Cancun came out in theaters and everyone was afraid that film was dead. It didn’t catch on though. Which I think is really interesting and one day I’ll have to sit down and watch it and maybe gain some insight why. I think we’re good on that front until we have The People’s Couch: The Movie, which is just people watching the last Divergent film and the new Judd Apatow movie.

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RIP and TBT

#RIP and #TBT to some of my faves: Beauty and the Geek, Dirty Soap, BridalPlasty, The Girls Next Door (the original with Holly Bridget and Kendra), Scream Queens, Pretty Wild, and of course Princesses: Long Island.

SHABBAT SHALOM. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

*Yes, I know she’s Kesha now, but she’ll always have the dollar sign to me

**Allegedly! Nicole Richie has said she does not have an eating disorder

***Just a side note, I love how Kim is always being referred to (by herself as well) as a workaholic

Ed note: I got really freaked out scrolling past the Super Sweet 16 gif thinking it was me–she looks eerily like me when I was about 15

The Oscars’ Greatest GIF (not the selfie!)

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Look, it took a lot of will power not to make last night’s epic selfie my Facebook cover photo. I mean, it literally broke twitter. But I’m not surprised because, well first of all, J-Law. Plus, the idea of A-Listers like Brad and Angie, other Bradley, Meryl, and Julia partaking in Kim Kardashian’s favorite pastime/form of artistic impression is priceless. The stills of Bradley snapping the selfie may be better than the pic itself the same way it’s more entertaining to see a girl holding up her phone mid-lecture than it is too see the duck face result. Plus, more Jared Leto, Samsung product placement, and poor Liza. Knowing that my Facebook feed would be overflowing with the selfie anyway, it was a lot harder to resist changing my cover to a still from Pharrell’s “Happy” performance. The above gif of Meryl Streep shimmying has to be the greatest thing to come out The Oscars this year. Did you ever think you’d hear Meryl Streep and shimmying in the same sentence? (at least with shimmying in the context of dance) In fact, Meryl shimmying was the only thing that could make me happier than the sight of Cinderella aka Lupita Nyong’o grooving just moments before:

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Have you ever seen anything more perfect in your life? (well… I thought not until Pharrell got to Meryl a few seconds later)

A quick note on winners: While I didn’t see many of the nominated movies, I was a bit disappointed not to see a win for Leo finally, mostly because I think that would have legit crashed the internet.