A Crier’s Guide to Social Media

If our iPhones are good for anything, it’s texting (I guess), Uber, and social media apps. (Post to come later on dating apps. Instead of this whole dance where I try to be funny, let’s just jump right into discussing the reasons our data charges are through the roof and our phones, whose batteries should last over a day, are dead by the time we’re getting our midday iced coffee… shall we?


Kids don’t even use Facebook anymore. It’s for parents and our generation.* We are officially unhip. Regardless, Facebook is a great starter add for a friendship. There are always those people who you follow on Twitter or Insta that you’re not Facebook friends with and something about that (unless you don’t actually know them) seems a bit off. Even worse, it’s always awkward when you’ve known someone for a while but you’re not Facebook friends. How far down the road of a friendship or acquaintanceship does it become awkward to send a friend request? Sooner than you’d think, so you’re better off doing it right away.

Facebook is the perfect place to post all the pics that didn’t quite make the Instagram cut. Share a link or 2 but no need to be going with full on statuses. TimeHop is a fun way to reminisce in the days before twitter when all the statuses started with “is _____.” Remember when they got rid of the permanent “is?”….GAME CHANGER. But let’s leave the past in the past. Just don’t be that person. It’s always the old people (aka our relatives and their friends who add us) who post paragraph long statuses. Like, no Aunt Mildred, I do not want to read your political rant. A word to the wise: Don’t Be Aunt Mildred.


The Facebook relationship status was also a major step back in the day. Many of us still have our residual “it’s complicated” with our bestie without even noticing it, but when to take a real relationship Facebook public used to be a big deal. Now no one cares anymore and it really cuts in to the whole stalking aspect. The stalk factor is still decent with all the pics laying around. Since we’ve been using this puppy since the demise of MySpaceyou can stalk back to superbitch Cindy’s pre-nosejob days. You can also stalk other peoples “wall-to-walls” with the See Friendship option if you’re really committed. (although since I started writing this post like 8 months ago I think you maybe can’t anymore) And the best part is, there’s no breadcrumb trail back to you, unless you accidentally like something which is a lot harder on Facebook than let’s say Instagram. Of course there’s still that paralyzing fear I’ve had since I was 15 that I would type someone’s name into the status bar instead of the search bar. That shit still gives me nightmares.

 The Breakup

The defriend is pretty uncommon. I’m still friends with the people I went to Hebrew School with….just in case. I’m still friends with my worst enemies who have distanced themselves from me (and I from them) on just about every other Social Media platform. People go on “purges” or whatever but it’s not worth it. No one cares. Literally, if someone defriends you, you probably will never notice anyway. Then again, if your parents are anything like mine, they may be the fucking Emily Thorne of holding grudges.I agreed to add them when I went off to college (and my bro did just now for his semester abroad!) And then in a very stupid night I uploaded a pic of me kind of making out with a dude. Now instead of a normal person and just deleting the incriminating photo, I immediately defriended the ‘rents. My dad particularly was so mad at me that he refused to reaccept for like a year. Crying In Ubers Takeaway: Do Not Cross Bruce Resnikoff (a man who prides himself on 100 fb friends and would not accept anyone until recently if it meant going over 100)

Stress Level

Screen Shot 2016-02-08 at 3.17.21 PM

2 out of 5 “like” thumbs up

Facebook shouldn’t be very stressful. If I had the computer imaging prowess (or more accurately the time and passion) I would have given it 1 and a half thumbs. We talked a little bit about the stress about when to friend but who cares. The biggest stress factor (as mentioned above) is the status/search bar mix up. Like any social media there’s always the possibility of adding or liking something of your ex’s gf’s brother but I feel like it’s rare–especially with privacy settings. There’s maybe a stress factor of choosing a prof pic or album title, and there’s of course the job/college search fear. Are your privacy settings strong enough? What do you change your name to? I went by Nicki Rez for a while, I had friends who dropped their last name completely (or made it their middle name), or some that just split up their name completely: aka Gaby became first name Ga last name By. I also felt weirdly haunted by my number of friends. I felt if I had under 1,000 I was basically a loser living under a rock like Patrick fucking Star. Then again that’s just psycho, plus there’s always the Bruce approach of keeping it tight.


Before I say anything I would like to make a little PSA: NO MOM, YOU CAN’T ZOOM IN. STOP TRYING.

Instagram got maybe an artsy vibe rap at first. Hot off the tails of Hipstamatic (note to self: fact check this whole statement)**, it was where amateur photographers got their day and the everyday man could no longer be trusted –as if they were Mariah Carey getting photoshopped to death on an album cover– thanks to all the filters. Unpopular Opinion: X-Pro II and Lo-Fi for life! I mean, we now have to use the #nofilter disclaimer when we actually do see a flipping awesome sunset. Spoiler alert: #nofilter is normally a lie and I truly believe it should be monitored and regulated not by Instagram but by the fucking Ferderal Government! But for me, Instagram was all about a reprieve from the mupload. Freshman year of college I was accused one muploading (to Facebook) specific situations, which was apparently not national standard practice. Well Insta is the place for that.

This photo of my friend's LITERAL V CARD is an unnacceptable mupload but this Coachella screenshot is a great Insta

My friend’s LITERAL V CARD is an unnacceptable mupload but this Coachella screenshot is a great Insta

Then came the era of foodstagrams. Ugh. Quote from my mom who joined Insta last week (or any other adult): “I don’t get it. It’s just people posting pictures of their food.” Restaurants have literally banned taking food pics. We’re at the point of #fortheinsta where people get food they have no desire to eat just to gram it.***

But it’s a great place to follow celebs and bloggers, and thank god for the memes of Fuck Jerry, The Fat Jewish, and Girl With No Job.


A great stalk machine for those you follow and people with non-private profiles. You go to a page and literally minutes later you realize you’re 80 weeks in. But Instagram stalking is like The Hurtlocker.† The double tap favorite is the work of Satan. Need I say more?:

*can’t find one of the million memes to put here*

Also while not quite stalking. There is truly nothing more satisfying than reading through comments on celebs photos. People are insane and idiotic and aggressive and it’s hilarious. I’ve heard great things about Kardashian insta comments. People are just fucking insane. Like a picture of a puppy turns into a rant against Israel in less time than it takes for me to take off my bra as soon as I get home.

The Breakup

Unless it’s someone who rarely posts or posts way too often, why unfollow? I mean it’s not that insane to unfollow someone, just a little overkill. Just don’t fucking like their photos. If you really want to hit someone where it hurts, comment on their photo without liking it. It’s basically the most evil, semi-passive aggressive, fuck you thing you can do. The psychology is that if someone just completely ignores your photo, hey…maybe they didn’t see it, but if they comment, you know they saw it and STILL didn’t heart that bitch. Regina George would salute you for a good comment without a like.

Since there’s no indication if someone is following you back when you look at their page (like the Follows You on Twitter), the only way to find out about an unfollow is a separate app like Friends +. I held off as long as I could, but I caved and I’m all about it now. Like it’s necessary if you’re going to keep an accurate shit list. Apparently there’s also a “ratio thing” about followers to people you follow but that seems more like a young people’s concern to me.

Stress Level

3.5 favorite hearts

3.5 out of 5 like hearts

I stress a lot about Instagram. Probably more than I should. We’ve already touched on the hair trigger like and deep CIA stalking implications. But there’s also very much that “like” threshold. Do you know there are actually known peak times of when to post for optimal likes? JESUS. I swear to god, these young folks get more likes than anything I’ve ever seen. It’s like hundreds. An insta is considered a failure if it gets less than a buck fifty double taps. Who gives a shit? It’s all about that 11 like threshold. Once you get to 11 (or 10 and then you like it yourself) it stops becoming a pathetic list of names and changes to a number. I’m not particularly popular, so my high count is probably 71 (pic of T-Swift and Alanis Morissette doing You Oughta Know at 1989). Whatever. I’m fine with that. Needing a lot of likes has gotta be like a man buying a literal peen shaped sports car. But in all fairness, a photo of me in my Molly Weasley finest has hit 100,423 (at time of publish) likes, soo….


But I will tell you, that slow slow wait for likes when people just aren’t having it is like that crazy limbo layer in Inception (although I think technically time goes by faster, not slower there but it still kind of makes my point)†† or the Quantum Realm in Antman. Sure there are always those people you can rely on to give you a like on everything. And they’re great. But true friendship is being able to tell someone to like your Insta ASAP. And disclaimer: both of my parents are on Instagram and never post anything so it kind of seems like they’re there just to like my shit but I swear to the Insta Gods (aka Fuck Jerry and The Fat Jew) that they’re not. And on the subject of liking your own photos: some say it’s okay to get to a target and then delete later. I try not to do it, but I like a quote from my brother (which is actually a quote from his tennis coach on fb statuses): “Of course I’m going to like my own post. If I didn’t like it, why would I have posted it?” And that was today’s food for thought.

There’s also the stress level of a good photo and caption. Is it even Insta worthy at all? What’s the right angle? Does it need editing in Afterlight or Facetune (there is so much photoshopping—literally trust no one! ahem….Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan)? Filter, or nah? Square Ready? And really think your captions through. A pun is always solid. A movie quote or lyric is fire. It’s not easy though. I recently went through a bout of writers block (hence the lateness of this post) that even extended to other creative endeavors like painting, but I knew it was really bad when I told my therapist (direct quote): “It’s gotten so bad I can’t even come up with a good Instagram caption.”


The second the concept was described to me, I responded, “oh that’s totally for nudie pics.” And so I immediately downloaded it and went crazy….lolz jk. Next time you’re walking down the street and rear end a girl who has inexplicably stopped for a duck face selfie, you can blame Evan Spiegel. It’s amazing the lack of shame people have when it comes to snap chatting in public places. It’s also now transformed into like just making silly faces at friends to a celeb social media form. HILLARY CLINTON HAS A SNAPCHAT. It has literally made celebs, Hello DJ Khaled–bless up. People are obsessed: Kylie Jenner is this close to following in her father’s deadly footsteps. But parents seem to have the same issue grasping Snapchat as they do with the whole enlarging Insta pics. They’ll hear about a snap you got and then be like show it to me and I’m like I CAN’T IT’S GONE THAT’S HOW THIS WORKS! But now you have stupid replay and stories (which while great almost defeat the original concept of the app). Snap has gone through so many changes it’s too exhausting to even write about. But I guess I kind of will.


It used to be you could click on any friend and see their top 3 best friends. It was the stuff of jealous girlfriends’ dreams. It was amazing. But they fucking took that away from us. But, now there’s all these weird emojis and my girl Maisie gave me a little bit of an education. The sunglasses guy 😎 apparently means that one of your best friends is also best friends with that person. Unfortunately, Maisie only know this because it helped a friend (lets call her girl 1) realize that her (girl 1’s) bff was hooking up with girl 1’s ex boyfriend (or maybe current I forget). There are also a bunch of other symbols, some of which are really stupid, check them out if you want here. You can’t screenshot anything without the person being notified so like sleuth stalking potential downgraded (there are, of course, ways around this). Also you can’t tell who has watched your story, so I guess that goes in this category.

The Breakup

If you delete someone as a snapchat friend you’re a stupid idiot. It’s the most pointless thing. Like what if one day there’s something you just need to send them for 10 seconds or under. Seriously, think of your future. It’s also just stupid because like who cares. Don’t send them anything and don’t look at their stuff. If you’re really concerned you can block them from viewing your story, but even that’s a little overboard.

Stress Level

1/2 sent thingies

1.5 out of 5 sent thingies

There should be no stress here. I guess in case you send something to the wrong person. Or like that your nudies are going to get shared or hacked or whatever


Guys I love twitter but please don’t judge me I’m tired and I could be watching I Know Who Killed Me right now so would you forgive me if I just didn’t do this one? Thank you twitter for a lot, but mostly the end of stupid short Facebook statuses.




No I’m not including it because I’m a graduating senior so my stress level on the subject is about 10 out of 5 endorsements.

*Parents meaning both our parents, and those in my generation who are now parents. Scary how fast that happened—-I’m still laughing when my teacher says “do do”

**Yeah right. Like I, or you, care enough to warrant that

***Yes I’m guilty of this: I grabbed this donut at work and 2 minutes after snapping it passed it on to a passing hungry superior

†While I have yet to see it, you can bet I will for love of my life Jeremy Renner. Speaking of which, here’s a little gift for you guys:

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††Semi humble brag: I went to the premiere of this but missed out on a pic with Leo because someone wanted to leave the party early and go to Hooters. Aaaaaaand….Hooters turned out to be closed.