Crying in DeLoreans

For at least the last 5 years, every 6 months or so people claim it’s “Future Day,” aka someone has photoshopped the display date on time machine from Back To The Future Part II. It circulates like wildfire on Facebook, some idiot websites/news services pick it up, and everyone from celebrities to alleged superfans make it a Twitter trending topic. I am the first to be like Bitch, PleaseI would have stuck to my guns at the very least that it was October 2015 even if I had Robert Zemeckis and Michael J. Fox telling me otherwise.* But kids, it’s finally here. We are officially living in the fucking future!

#nofilter

I guess you can say I’ve seen the BTTF movies a lot. If a lot is a psychotic amount. I’m like know every line, read every website/book/piece of trivia, just this year wrote a paper for school on it obsessed. Like had for a very long time wanted to get married at the clocktower courthouse** When the Universal Studios fire happened in 2008, I was not worried about potential ruin to Universal Music masters (aka my dad’s livelihood), but priority #1 was how is Hill Valley?! I’m thinking about taking a trip to Japan solely because the Back To The Future ride is still open there, despite the fact that simulation rides make me violently ill. You know in How I Met Your Motherthey say “if you’re not trilling it at least once every three years, the dark side wins?” Well, they really should have been talking about BTTF not Star Wars.

Sweeping declaration:

If you’re not trilling it at least every 3 MONTHS, Biff wins you’re tacky and I hate you.

The only fan I ever thought could match me was Seth McFarlane, but he let me down just like they all do when he had Doc Brown show up in A Million Ways To Die In The West which is set in 1882, when Doc clearly didn’t arrive in the Old West until 1885.*** Seth does a disgustingly good Marty McFly though, so wash.

Anyway, I’ve been preparing for this day half my life. I was supposed to be graduated by now and my dad was going to get me a DeLorean for the day, but I’m stuck in Philadelphia learning about international business ethics and electoral systems. Regardless, I am celebrating in style.

I got my Casio Calculator Watch, my orange puffer over a denim jacket a nearly identical plaid shirt with maroon undershirt, and my pockets turned out.† Plus, I have my horrible, yet painstakingly made, Mattel Hoverboard. Notice I’m not holding a Pepsi Perfect not because I am Diet Coke to the death and would never get so close to a pepsi product, but because my internet made me miss the flash sale at midnight/also it wouldn’t have arrived yet duh. Spoiler alert: this is my Halloween costume. When worn by someone hot, the sexy version is called the Marty Mc So Fly.

Anyway, it may be what everyone else on the freaking internet is doing, but let’s take a look at how our 2015 matches up with Bob Gale’s.

Baseball

Fucking World Series Winning Cubs

Look, I worked at a baseball agency one summer, but I usually do not give a fuck about baseball. But boy am I rooting for the Cubbies! The only times they’ve actually won the World Series were in 1907 and 1908. And now, in 2015, they’re still in in the semi-finals! Here’s the bad news, they now have to win 4 in a row to get to the finals. So basically it is beyond unlikely they’ll actually win the series, but at this point still a possibility. Here’s what I do know: if they lose tonight, they’re out. So my message to the Mets is if you kick the Cubs out of the playoffs ON Back to the Future Day, you are basically terrorists, Seriously Mets, throw the fucking game. Fun fact: In BTTF2‘s 2015, the Cubs beat Miami in the finals–which was particularly surprising since Miami didn’t have a pro baseball team in the 80’s. Guess who does currently have an MLB team? You guessed it, Miami! Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis are basically the baseball versions of that World Cup Octopus. One more fulfilled sports prophecy: they predicted an entire sport- Slamball. In the wise words of Karen Smith: It’s like they have ESPn or something!

Fashion1379849274910959205

I can’t say that I wasn’t beyond disappointed when designers didn’t show inside out pants or outside pockets in 2015/6 presentations. Rick Owens (stunningly) gave us human backpacks, but Kanye, who spent thousands on a pair of Nike’s Back To The Future limited editions, couldn’t turn a pocket out in his Yeezy presentation? Granted, nude body suits don’t have pockets but you could have added a nod! Jeremy Scott? Nothing? I’m not faulting anyone for opting out of the double tie. As I mentioned, Nike made Marty’s sick shoes, so I guess we’re just waiting for tech savvy jackets. Our Canada Gooses will have to do for now.

 Queen Diana (and Madam President)

This is obviously a sad one. At the time, Princess Diana was still married to Charles, and of course still alive. Plus, people didn’t know Queen Lizzie would still be a boss bitch. I was going to write this post at the beginning of 2015 when I resolved to write more as a what to expect this year. At the time, I thought a Queen Diana could technically be possible by now since Kate was knocked up with 4th in line to the throne. I didn’t know if it would be a girl named Diana who somehow ended up queen at 5 months old with a planned trip to Washington…how could I? As for a woman president….well technically the headline predicting that one is from tomorrows newspaper. Attorney General Loretta Lynch is 7th in the presidential succession line, so god forbid something happened to Obama and his first 6 successors, we could have a woman prez tomorrow.

Fun Fact: US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter is 6th in line, so haha Jack Donaghy!

Even Funner Fact: Ashton Carter’s full name is Ashton Baldwin Carter, so….are we calling Illuminati or what?

Hoverboards

a-t-hoverboard-scooters-justin-bieber-jamie-foxx-wiz-khalifa

Hey. they may not be as cool as the ones Mattel crushed a generation of dreams with (or Griff’s Pitbull), but there’s no doubt “hoverboards” are a super hot trend for real this year.

Jaws 19

I love the Jaws movies. Especially the 11% Rotten Tomatoes rated Jaws 3-D. It may even be my favorite. Two words: Dennis. Quaid. (Oh! and BTTF Star Lea Thompson!) It’s a campy precursor to Blackfish. But its successor in the franchise, Jaws: The Revenge? Even I, the ultimate lover of bad movies, cannot even get through it no matter how many times I start it. There’s just a point a few minutes in where I, and not even in my usual white girl way, literally cannot. So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m glad this was just a joke. But like culturally…..Shark Week? I mean, I guess there’s something there.

80’s Nostalgia

Not so much right now as in recent years, but the 80’s are definitely back in that cocaine is definitely a thing. Right?

General Futureness/Technology

In BTTF2’s 2015, weathermen are 100% accurate down to the minute. Ummm this couldn’t be further from realistic today. I can’t even tell you how many times Siri has fucking betrayed me. It’s not even funny.

I mean we obviously don’t have flying cars or anything like that, but I’m pretty sure Limited Too sold me an alarm system for my bedroom that used my fingerprint the same way the houses of the future did. I mean I guess this is maybe an instance where Siri lives up to BTTF‘s expectations. Goddamn Siri. Also, lol fax machines in 2015.

I guess what I’m saying is that today’s a big day for me. I always figured today would come and everything would be all right, but after today the future’s just a big ole ball of uncertainty. Wow….I got really deep there. People should take me more seriously. I’m a real thinker. Oh and P.S., Lyft is offering DeLorean rides in New York. If I didn’t have those classes I was talking about, I would 1,000% be there and Crying in Lyfts. P.P.S. Let’s pretend I posted this at 4:29 pm PST.


*I am so sorry, I would never disrespect you Robert Zemeckis. You either, MJF. You’re a freaking national treasure (even if you are from Canada) This is the one time I am no Larry David!

**Outside, of course, since I’ve known it was a facade since I was a kid. Even though I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the downside to my dad driving me around the Universal Studios backlot as a kid was losing a bit of the movie magic. That and the fact that I still haven’t recovered from the trauma of seeing Woody Woodpecker walking around with his head in his hand.

***Yes, I understand it was winky and funny and I’m splitting hairs but come on Seth, how hard would it have been to say your movie took place 3 yrs later? I realized it immediately and it kind of distracted me the rest of the movie. Plus, I totally let it slide that the film took place in Arizona, not CA. Constant reminders to “think 4 dimensionally” prove that this is only a time machine, not Inspector Spacetime‘s phone booth!

†After I was so harsh on Seth you would be right to point out that I’m mixing outfits and this isn’t what Marty wears in the future (even before he dresses like his son he had already lost the vest and jacket) but I don’t care so screw you!

 

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A Letter to the American Psychiatric Association

To the APA, or whomever else it may concern,

I was not traumatized by Spongebob Squarepants as a child. In fact, I barely watched it. I was never at a party with a drunk or inappropriate man in a Spongebob suit. Actually, I’m not really afraid of Spongebob at all. And thank God for that, or else I would not be able to enjoy Jeremy Scott’s Fall 2014 Moschino collection in its entirety. And that would be a tragedy.

I tell you this because I am afraid of sponges. I shiver at just the thought of a kitchen sponge. I’m cringing writing this. And it doesn’t take a psychiatrist to assume my fear probably stems from a traumatic experience with he who lives in a pineapple under the sea. But it doesn’t. It’s a complete mystery.

Here’s the thing though, as incredibly weird and insane as this all sounds, it seems logical that enough people would share this phobia for it to have a name, right? Nope. But let’s just take a look at some of the phobias that do have monikers:

b-hilary-duff-400 Consecotaleophobia: the fear of chopsticks

Yes, the fear of chopsticks. I mean, my brother embarrasses us on a weekly basis by asking for a fork at Nobu, but that’s not a phobia, that’s just him apparently having situation specific poor dexterity. If anything, he’s afraid of not getting every bite of spicy shrimp tempura in his mouth. I have to imagine anyone who has a fear of chopsticks has a fear of pointy objects or eating utensils in general, no? I mean there can not be more than a handful of people in this world who see a pair of chopsticks and need to pop a klony. If this is real, I can’t even imagine how they got through the early 2000’s. I know I, along with most of the Limited Too generation rocked the chopsticks in hair trend…Even teen queen Hilary Duff got in on the action! (pictured above)

anigif_enhanced-buzz-1835-1384715192-1Levophobia: the fear of objects on the left side of the body

Before I talk about how ridiculous this is on its own, there is another word, sinistrophobia, which means fear of left-handedness or things on the left side. Do we really need two separate names? Okay, so levophobia, I mean, as far as irrational fears go, this has to be the least rational of all. At least chopsticks can be used as weapons! The only way I could picture relating to a levophobic is if there was a sponge on the left side of my body. Although, maybe this finally explains Derek Zoolander’s inability to turn left! He should really take some time off from the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good and pop in to a levophobia chat room and explain his miraculous recovery from such a debilitating psychological disorder.

chinGeniophobia: the fear of chins

I wonder if there was a huge party thrown by geniophobes to celebrate when Jay Leno stepped down as host of The Tonight Show. (Is it too untimely to make a joke that Conan O’Brien has probably developed geniophobia?) In all seriousness though, chins? I actually would understand a fear of “butt chins,” but a fear of plain old chins presents a couple questions. 1) How does one develop this? I fell chin-first through a glass and iron coffee table in second grade and still have the scars (both emotional and physical) to prove it, but I sure as hell don’t suffer from geniophobia. 2) How do geniophobes interact with people, and even themselves? Maybe they only hang out with Jack McBrayer? (in that case, thank God Liz got her sandwich!)

Zemmiphobia: the fear of the great mole rat

No. Just no. How can you not watch The Naked Mole Rap and smile? Rufus was the greatest pet ever because he loved burritos and hot sauce. So just no.

I guess my point here is, I would really appreciate it if you guys could just put a label to this particular bit of crazy of mine. But I totally understand if you have to get to the guy who’s afraid of Kim Kardashian first.

Sincerely,

Nicole and the rest of the sponge-fearing community.