Keeping Up With Jesus

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Ahh Easter, my favorite holiday. Yes, in the past 5 years, this jew has been to church on Easter 4 times, and temple…well let’s just say not that many times. And while I had to miss out on my baskets of candy and toys this year, the Easter Bunny did bring a present in the form of another edition of The Kardashians Doing Nothing Is News! Yes the Kardashian-Jenner-West-I don’t give a fuck outing to church is plastered all over the internet, and it’s all about the fashion. Duh 

While the range is clearly Klassic and Appropriate Kourtney to Kompletely Inappropriate Kendall, let’s start with some middle ground.

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The Kardashian-Wests. For someone who’s lately completely naked, completely covered, or some weird combination of the two, Kimmy seems very appropriate. I don’t know what the policy on shoulders is in non-Catholic church but regardless…. well done Kim. Kanye…..is Kanye even allowed in a church? I mean, Yeezus (I know he semi-explained that one), I Am A God, plus this little cover? Isn’t the second commandment all about having no other Gods and not worshipping false idols? I’m just saying, like everyone steals and cheats and disobeys their parents sometimes, but those are pretty big ones to fuck with. Yeezus’ ripped t-shirt and jeans seem a little inappropriate but look what else he’s getting away with….if I were him I wouldn’t be respectful towards God either. As for North, it seems like her dress is not as crisp a white as Mommy and Daddy’s outfits and I have to say I really expected better.

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Before I get to Miss Kendall, let’s just see if there’s anything else we need to discuss. Kourt clearly didn’t care about the white memo and I love it. She looks wonderful. And thankfully they didn’t drag resident Jew Scott to church, although it really is a shame because I’d have loved to see him in a nice seersucker suit. Kris looks unusually appropriate. And I don’t even know where all these other men are coming from but apparently one is Kris’ bf and one is Kylie‘s even though they’re about the same age. (Yes, the one with the kid is 17 year-old Kylie’s man). Khloe‘s outfit is wayyyy to tight, which given the amount of weight she’s lost recently means she went out and got a whole new wardrobe that’s 2 sizes too small for her at her thinnest.

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Kendall Kendall Kendall.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this outfit. Like love. It’s everything. The problem is not the wear it’s the where. I know as a model she has a responsibility to be fashion forward but there’s a more appropriate way. This isn’t just midriff, there’s belly button showing! I mean if Taylor Swift wouldn’t wear it, it’s probably not church appropriate. And while anywhere else I’d see that as a chic halter, on the holiest day of the year I see it as a boob strap. Come on you can do better! You would have been better off with a Jesus is my Homeboy T-shirt. I was going to do a list of the only 5 things less appropriate than Kendall’s outfit or 5 things surprisingly more appropriate for Easter services than Kendall’s outfit but that seems like a lot of work to make fun of an outfit I really like. But as a wise man* once said, You don’t respect my religion? I don’t respect your outfit.

 

*Scott Disick

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Do Blondes Have More Fun? Tonight, on 60 Minutes

When graphic tees were in, places like Abercrombie and Fitch and Limited Too put out shirts saying “Brunettes have more fun” and “Redheads have more fun” so us non-blondes wouldn’t feel left out. I never got the Brunettes shirt, which is too bad because it would have gone great with my (ironic?) “Kiss Me I’m Irish” trucker hat. Well I don’t know if “Blondes Have More Fun” is truthful, but I can tell you those consolation shirts were a big steaming pile of lies. One should have said “Redheads are Batshit Crazy” and the other, “Brunettes have no associated stereotypes (that I can think of)”

If I were a better (read: real) journalist I would get out there dye my hair blonde and do a full-on investigative piece. In all fairness, I have been dying to go short and platinum ever since my celebrity doppelgänger looked hot af at the 2013 Met Gala. But I’m a huge wimp that didn’t cut her hair for 5 years after a Locks of Love experience in 8th grade…and even then it was just bangs (see blog tagline), and I’m afraid of long term effects of bleach. Plus the pain…I’ve seen the makeover episodes of America’s Next Top Model I couldn’t even commit to color dipping during the height of the trend since it meant bleaching, same goes for ombre. I did wear a blonde wig to a friends birthday one year so I have a bit of experience, but my brother looked better in it so there’s that.

So apparently Kanye has a Draco fetish….#muse

A post shared by Tom Felton (@t22felton) on

 

So I guess we all know that Kim Kardashian went platinum a couple weeks ago. Because if Kim Kardashian farts it’s front page news. Just kidding, Kimmy has never “gone #2 or passed gas.”* Anyway, she’s rocking the Draco Malfoy.  This is not the first time Kim has dabbled with a lighter color, but the first time she’s gone all out. I don’t think Tom Felton was too far off in his caption, because if I’ve ever seen a Slytherin, it’s Kanye. Sure, there’s plenty of room for dumb blonde jokes but I’d like to think you’d expect a higher caliber of comedy from me.

So….is she having more fun? Well, ever since Kanye took over the Kimbot, there hasn’t been much evidence that she’s been having fun. On Keeping Up, they play her to be the wet blanket of the family. She claims she doesn’t smile because it “causes wrinkles” so it’s no surprise she’s been her usual pouty self since going blonde. Only time will tell.

Speaking of Malfoy, did Draco have more fun than his dark-haired classmates? I mean, Harry was constantly being hunted to be killed and Draco just kind of got to enjoy torturing people, so like… maybe there’s something to it?

A much more drastic change happened in the celebrity hair world that same week though. RIP to the long, flowing, luscious, make every girl jealous locks of Jared Leto. He’s now short and platinum too. But you just know that whatever hair he’s rocking, Jared is having a DGAF fun time.

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Jared and the Wests attended Olivier Rousteing‘s Balmain dinner the other night. And I like to think one of two things went on: 1) They hardcore bonded over the obvious or 2) The whole hair thing was a giant elephant (note to self: insert Kim butt joke here?) in the room and it was super awkward.

Actress Lindsay Lohan booking photosFree headshots!

Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay. She’ll always be a redhead at heart and always crazy. Fire Crotch has made the rounds- we’ve seen her trademark red, different shades of blonde (including platinum), brown, and even almost black. So how do we answer the very important question I’m writing this exposé on? Well… In four of LiLo’s glorious mugshots, she’s rocking the hue gentleman prefer. I’m sure there’s a Legally Blonde joke here, there just has to be! Some might say that she can’t possibly be having more fun as a blonde being in jail and all, but I think the opposite. Hello, just think of why she’s there! She’s having the time of her fucking life.** Plus she’s famous so she was in for less time than it takes to bleach her hair and get Mystic Tanned to matched to her orange jumpsuit (she gets a good rate–the DUI special)***. And check out that top center photo…how she get them to let her bring Beyoncé‘s wind machine? Maybe some sort of Lynwood Loyalty rewards program?

TOO BAD MILEY CAN NEVER GO BLONDE BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULD JUST THINK SHE WAS HANNAH MONTANA

I tweeted that the day before Miley went blonde. Psychic much? And at first, I was concerned this would be a legitimate problem. And then that blonde lob went short and buzzed and Miley ditched Hannah forever at the VMAs. I think we can safely say that in the case of Ms. Cyrus, blonde is definitely more fun…some might even argue too much fun. But at least she’s happy….

Finally somebody's not an idiot #fuckyaaaas

A post shared by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

 

The real question is did Hannah Montana have more fun than Miley Stuart? I mean sure Hannah had problems, and Miley had better friends, but Hannah Montana was a fucking rockstar hey hey hey hey!, so I’m going to go with her having more fun. Plus she got to wear a lot of sparkly skinny scarves. I really really want to go on a rant about the potholes and how regardless of a disguise worse than Clark Kent‘s she’d never get away with that secret but I won’t.

Justin Bieber also recently went platinum (no not that, kind….he hasn’t had a certified platinum record since 2013) but like let’s not.

So I mean, based on this very serious analysis, I’m going to say Blondes do have more fun. But, I spent way too much money on an app to make me blonde in a picture and the result is horrifying. But the data doesn’t lie. Facts are facts. If I wanna have more fun, I’m going to have to take the plunge. But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I’ll always be a Blair and a Veronica, but Serena was all fun (not Betty. Fuck Betty) And just a warning in advance, if I am not posting for a while, don’t cry….I’m probably just out having fun.

*Yes, that is a real thing she said. But, so is this: tumblr_nl0r1jqacv1rxoi6po1_500

**I do not condone drinking and driving or stealing or whatever the fuck she’s been doing!

***An Orange Is The New Black joke seemed pretty obvious here, but when talking about skin color it seemed like it could get iffy…