Do Blondes Have More Fun? Tonight, on 60 Minutes

When graphic tees were in, places like Abercrombie and Fitch and Limited Too put out shirts saying “Brunettes have more fun” and “Redheads have more fun” so us non-blondes wouldn’t feel left out. I never got the Brunettes shirt, which is too bad because it would have gone great with my (ironic?) “Kiss Me I’m Irish” trucker hat. Well I don’t know if “Blondes Have More Fun” is truthful, but I can tell you those consolation shirts were a big steaming pile of lies. One should have said “Redheads are Batshit Crazy” and the other, “Brunettes have no associated stereotypes (that I can think of)”

If I were a better (read: real) journalist I would get out there dye my hair blonde and do a full-on investigative piece. In all fairness, I have been dying to go short and platinum ever since my celebrity doppelgänger looked hot af at the 2013 Met Gala. But I’m a huge wimp that didn’t cut her hair for 5 years after a Locks of Love experience in 8th grade…and even then it was just bangs (see blog tagline), and I’m afraid of long term effects of bleach. Plus the pain…I’ve seen the makeover episodes of America’s Next Top Model I couldn’t even commit to color dipping during the height of the trend since it meant bleaching, same goes for ombre. I did wear a blonde wig to a friends birthday one year so I have a bit of experience, but my brother looked better in it so there’s that.

So apparently Kanye has a Draco fetish….#muse

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So I guess we all know that Kim Kardashian went platinum a couple weeks ago. Because if Kim Kardashian farts it’s front page news. Just kidding, Kimmy has never “gone #2 or passed gas.”* Anyway, she’s rocking the Draco Malfoy.  This is not the first time Kim has dabbled with a lighter color, but the first time she’s gone all out. I don’t think Tom Felton was too far off in his caption, because if I’ve ever seen a Slytherin, it’s Kanye. Sure, there’s plenty of room for dumb blonde jokes but I’d like to think you’d expect a higher caliber of comedy from me.

So….is she having more fun? Well, ever since Kanye took over the Kimbot, there hasn’t been much evidence that she’s been having fun. On Keeping Up, they play her to be the wet blanket of the family. She claims she doesn’t smile because it “causes wrinkles” so it’s no surprise she’s been her usual pouty self since going blonde. Only time will tell.

Speaking of Malfoy, did Draco have more fun than his dark-haired classmates? I mean, Harry was constantly being hunted to be killed and Draco just kind of got to enjoy torturing people, so like… maybe there’s something to it?

A much more drastic change happened in the celebrity hair world that same week though. RIP to the long, flowing, luscious, make every girl jealous locks of Jared Leto. He’s now short and platinum too. But you just know that whatever hair he’s rocking, Jared is having a DGAF fun time.

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Jared and the Wests attended Olivier Rousteing‘s Balmain dinner the other night. And I like to think one of two things went on: 1) They hardcore bonded over the obvious or 2) The whole hair thing was a giant elephant (note to self: insert Kim butt joke here?) in the room and it was super awkward.

Actress Lindsay Lohan booking photosFree headshots!

Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay. She’ll always be a redhead at heart and always crazy. Fire Crotch has made the rounds- we’ve seen her trademark red, different shades of blonde (including platinum), brown, and even almost black. So how do we answer the very important question I’m writing this exposé on? Well… In four of LiLo’s glorious mugshots, she’s rocking the hue gentleman prefer. I’m sure there’s a Legally Blonde joke here, there just has to be! Some might say that she can’t possibly be having more fun as a blonde being in jail and all, but I think the opposite. Hello, just think of why she’s there! She’s having the time of her fucking life.** Plus she’s famous so she was in for less time than it takes to bleach her hair and get Mystic Tanned to matched to her orange jumpsuit (she gets a good rate–the DUI special)***. And check out that top center photo…how she get them to let her bring Beyoncé‘s wind machine? Maybe some sort of Lynwood Loyalty rewards program?

TOO BAD MILEY CAN NEVER GO BLONDE BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULD JUST THINK SHE WAS HANNAH MONTANA

I tweeted that the day before Miley went blonde. Psychic much? And at first, I was concerned this would be a legitimate problem. And then that blonde lob went short and buzzed and Miley ditched Hannah forever at the VMAs. I think we can safely say that in the case of Ms. Cyrus, blonde is definitely more fun…some might even argue too much fun. But at least she’s happy….

Finally somebody's not an idiot #fuckyaaaas

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The real question is did Hannah Montana have more fun than Miley Stuart? I mean sure Hannah had problems, and Miley had better friends, but Hannah Montana was a fucking rockstar hey hey hey hey!, so I’m going to go with her having more fun. Plus she got to wear a lot of sparkly skinny scarves. I really really want to go on a rant about the potholes and how regardless of a disguise worse than Clark Kent‘s she’d never get away with that secret but I won’t.

Justin Bieber also recently went platinum (no not that, kind….he hasn’t had a certified platinum record since 2013) but like let’s not.

So I mean, based on this very serious analysis, I’m going to say Blondes do have more fun. But, I spent way too much money on an app to make me blonde in a picture and the result is horrifying. But the data doesn’t lie. Facts are facts. If I wanna have more fun, I’m going to have to take the plunge. But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I’ll always be a Blair and a Veronica, but Serena was all fun (not Betty. Fuck Betty) And just a warning in advance, if I am not posting for a while, don’t cry….I’m probably just out having fun.

*Yes, that is a real thing she said. But, so is this: tumblr_nl0r1jqacv1rxoi6po1_500

**I do not condone drinking and driving or stealing or whatever the fuck she’s been doing!

***An Orange Is The New Black joke seemed pretty obvious here, but when talking about skin color it seemed like it could get iffy…

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Personal Ad: Psycho seeking BFF (Working out my issues through an extensive exploration of I Love You, Man)

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There are a few times in life when you make a new batch of friends. When you’re a toddler, your parents decide your friends for you and unless you encounter a violent hair-pulling bitch or god-forbid a kid who doesn’t know how to share, everyone is pretty happy hanging with everyone else. It’s like, “You like sitting around drooling and sucking your thumb and playing with Barbies? No way! Me too? Hashtag Besties.

tumblr_mlbq5p1rzo1s0q2xro1_500When you start school, you kind of just become friends with kids in your class who are right there and everyone’s looking for friends so it’s not too difficult. Plus, mom’s still arranging playdates. You have to invite every kid in the class to your birthday party because like inclusion, duh. Same goes with Valentine’s Day cards. I mean, it was stressful enough choosing between Hello Kitty or Power Rangers or assorted animals, and then picking which specific card to give to each person (no mom I can’t give Jake “Bee Mine” I’ll have to give him the one that just says “Happy Valentine’s Day” or he’ll think I like like him!), I don’t think I could have dealt with choosing who to give cards to at all! (this is not Facebook birthday politics, after all) And as you get older in school, you still are kind of presented with a small pool to choose friends from, whether at school or extracurricular activities, or whatever.

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The next big one is college. It’s like it was before except with so many more people and you are basically starting over completely. I assume most people start with their roommates and hallmates and expand into meeting people in classes and once they start clubs/frats and sororities. All you do is bond over a Natty Light. With parties and all, the alcohol really helps. My hall was just really close and we all became friends. The rest of my friends basically came from friends of friends of friends of my hall. But freshman year is easy…everyone is looking for friends, and then as college goes on you just expand the web. You really could play six degrees with all my hall mates to find every single one of my friends.*

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Post-graduation really depends on where you move. You stay in touch with your college friends who are local and reconnect with any high school pals nearby. Then you make friends at work. Once you’re in a serious relationship your friend count doubles as you adopt your S.O.’s as your own and once you have kids you become friends with their friends’ parents. By the time you’re all old and wrinkly it’s the same as when you were a baby: “You like sitting around drooling and sucking your thumb?” but instead of playing with Barbies it’s shuffleboard, “pound sign on a rotary phone Besties!”franco

Okay, so here’s my dilemma, all my friends graduated and I’m back at school but none of the other juniors and seniors are looking to make new friends, so what do I do? I have to be all bubbly and friendly and put myself out there? Ugh, because if it wasn’t clear I hate people. Basically I’m Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man. I can only hope to find someone as great as Jason Segel‘s Sydney, so let’s see how Peter (Rudd) got there.

Lindsay-Lohan-I-have-Class-and-you-dontFencing

Well we know that none of Peter’s fencing buddies liked him, but even if they did I don’t think I’d bite. I was actually obsessed with fencing after Parent Trap and even had a fencing birthday party. I then tried to actually take up fencing in middle school but the masks smelled disgusting (as did my coache’s breath, if I recall). It’s debatable whether it worked for Halle and Annie in Parent Trap, but I think that could of also just been Lindsay Lohan getting to live every narcissist’s dream and being bffs with herself.

tumblr_loehb9wELi1qedmglo1_500Set Ups

Well the ‘man date’ set up by Peter’s mom turned out to be a real date, and I’m for sure too much of a mess for anyone to want to be set up on a date date with me. Getting set up by his brother didn’t end up working for Peter but that’s ultimately irrelevant in my pursuit because my brother is probably way to cool to want to introduce me to any of his friends, see previous mention of being a mess or literally any previous post for proof I’m a weirdo/psycho. It’s okay, I’m kind of trying to make friends with his friends behind his back. This is (not) awesome! This is (not) awesome! And finally, Peter is set up with a group of guys through his fiancé but like if I haven’t made it clear theres obviously no way I could have a S.O. Also wouldn’t turn out the same because I choose The Rolling Stones over The Beatles, am semi-competent regarding the hands in poker, and can hold my liquor way better than Peter. Now watch me projectile vomit the second I do meet friends. (at least it would be v Mischa Barton of me)

anigif_enhanced-buzz-29910-1389708750-4FriendFinder.Com

Read: Tinder. I mean, is there really a way to meet people online platonically? And even if there was, would I go for it? No. I mean the old guy Peter meets is so cute and it’s all very sweet but like first of all it just goes to show everyone’s lying: “that picture is from a few years back.” I mean only like old people put up insanely outdated pictures because if I put up a picture from 15 years ago I’d probably need to report the person who wants to meet up with the girl in the overalls and pigtails. Although I might not be exactly surprised given my baby prostitute days:

niPlease don’t report me to SVU for kiddie porn guys

Anyway, getting a bit off topic here and will write more on online dating later, but point is this ain’t gonna work for me.

tumblr_m2c4m1n1eH1qjv7jjo1_500Success at An Open House at The Hulk’s

Unless Mark Ruffalo (or really even Edward Norton) has a place in Philly they not only want to sell, but are also willing to entrust the sale trust a non-realtor 21 year old girl, I won’t be able to recreate the exact circumstances of this friend on friend meet-cute. Maybe I could hit up an open house and be the Jason Segel character, but I’m worried no one else will find my theories on flatulence as endearing as they really should. And even if I did meet someone, how to I bond the way Peter and Sidney did? Who’s my Rush? You think someone will slappa da base with me to Bon Jovi? Or repeatedly to that new Taylor Swift song (but not her other songs**) or the old Jewel song I’m currently obsessed with? Will my Sidney (I’d even settle for a Hank Mardukas) be as forgiving when I call them City Slicker or Joben, because I most certainly will. And most importantly, will they forgive my psycho-ness when I inevitably end up crying in an uber?

amytinHonestly, I just don’t know. Meeting people is just like ugh the worst. I really just want to meet people who hate everyone as much as I do. So, set me up if you want to, and if by any chance any Philadelphians who don’t know me are reading this don’t judge me if I give in and start being friendly. And well, in the mean time, I’ll just be spending most night with my best friend Don. Don Julio.

 

* Except my best friend Sunny. As her name would suggest she is the opposite of me and did exactly what I complained about not wanting to do in this post. We were sitting next to each other in a lecture hall listening to someone speak during a visiting day at Penn Junior year of high school and she literally just turned to me and said “Hi! I’m Sunny!” Here’s a pic of us being in love years later:

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**Ugh okay I hate to admit it but also maybe We Are Never Ever Getting Back TogetherI Knew You Were Trouble, and 22

Ed note: Moments before publishing I was sitting in my American Political Thought class and noticed how fucking old I am compared to everyone else. This is going to suck.