A Crier’s Guide to Social Media

If our iPhones are good for anything, it’s texting (I guess), Uber, and social media apps. (Post to come later on dating apps. Instead of this whole dance where I try to be funny, let’s just jump right into discussing the reasons our data charges are through the roof and our phones, whose batteries should last over a day, are dead by the time we’re getting our midday iced coffee… shall we?

Facebook

Kids don’t even use Facebook anymore. It’s for parents and our generation.* We are officially unhip. Regardless, Facebook is a great starter add for a friendship. There are always those people who you follow on Twitter or Insta that you’re not Facebook friends with and something about that (unless you don’t actually know them) seems a bit off. Even worse, it’s always awkward when you’ve known someone for a while but you’re not Facebook friends. How far down the road of a friendship or acquaintanceship does it become awkward to send a friend request? Sooner than you’d think, so you’re better off doing it right away.

Facebook is the perfect place to post all the pics that didn’t quite make the Instagram cut. Share a link or 2 but no need to be going with full on statuses. TimeHop is a fun way to reminisce in the days before twitter when all the statuses started with “is _____.” Remember when they got rid of the permanent “is?”….GAME CHANGER. But let’s leave the past in the past. Just don’t be that person. It’s always the old people (aka our relatives and their friends who add us) who post paragraph long statuses. Like, no Aunt Mildred, I do not want to read your political rant. A word to the wise: Don’t Be Aunt Mildred.

Stalking

The Facebook relationship status was also a major step back in the day. Many of us still have our residual “it’s complicated” with our bestie without even noticing it, but when to take a real relationship Facebook public used to be a big deal. Now no one cares anymore and it really cuts in to the whole stalking aspect. The stalk factor is still decent with all the pics laying around. Since we’ve been using this puppy since the demise of MySpaceyou can stalk back to superbitch Cindy’s pre-nosejob days. You can also stalk other peoples “wall-to-walls” with the See Friendship option if you’re really committed. (although since I started writing this post like 8 months ago I think you maybe can’t anymore) And the best part is, there’s no breadcrumb trail back to you, unless you accidentally like something which is a lot harder on Facebook than let’s say Instagram. Of course there’s still that paralyzing fear I’ve had since I was 15 that I would type someone’s name into the status bar instead of the search bar. That shit still gives me nightmares.

 The Breakup

The defriend is pretty uncommon. I’m still friends with the people I went to Hebrew School with….just in case. I’m still friends with my worst enemies who have distanced themselves from me (and I from them) on just about every other Social Media platform. People go on “purges” or whatever but it’s not worth it. No one cares. Literally, if someone defriends you, you probably will never notice anyway. Then again, if your parents are anything like mine, they may be the fucking Emily Thorne of holding grudges.I agreed to add them when I went off to college (and my bro did just now for his semester abroad!) And then in a very stupid night I uploaded a pic of me kind of making out with a dude. Now instead of a normal person and just deleting the incriminating photo, I immediately defriended the ‘rents. My dad particularly was so mad at me that he refused to reaccept for like a year. Crying In Ubers Takeaway: Do Not Cross Bruce Resnikoff (a man who prides himself on 100 fb friends and would not accept anyone until recently if it meant going over 100)

Stress Level

Screen Shot 2016-02-08 at 3.17.21 PM

2 out of 5 “like” thumbs up

Facebook shouldn’t be very stressful. If I had the computer imaging prowess (or more accurately the time and passion) I would have given it 1 and a half thumbs. We talked a little bit about the stress about when to friend but who cares. The biggest stress factor (as mentioned above) is the status/search bar mix up. Like any social media there’s always the possibility of adding or liking something of your ex’s gf’s brother but I feel like it’s rare–especially with privacy settings. There’s maybe a stress factor of choosing a prof pic or album title, and there’s of course the job/college search fear. Are your privacy settings strong enough? What do you change your name to? I went by Nicki Rez for a while, I had friends who dropped their last name completely (or made it their middle name), or some that just split up their name completely: aka Gaby became first name Ga last name By. I also felt weirdly haunted by my number of friends. I felt if I had under 1,000 I was basically a loser living under a rock like Patrick fucking Star. Then again that’s just psycho, plus there’s always the Bruce approach of keeping it tight.

Instagram

Before I say anything I would like to make a little PSA: NO MOM, YOU CAN’T ZOOM IN. STOP TRYING.

Instagram got maybe an artsy vibe rap at first. Hot off the tails of Hipstamatic (note to self: fact check this whole statement)**, it was where amateur photographers got their day and the everyday man could no longer be trusted –as if they were Mariah Carey getting photoshopped to death on an album cover– thanks to all the filters. Unpopular Opinion: X-Pro II and Lo-Fi for life! I mean, we now have to use the #nofilter disclaimer when we actually do see a flipping awesome sunset. Spoiler alert: #nofilter is normally a lie and I truly believe it should be monitored and regulated not by Instagram but by the fucking Ferderal Government! But for me, Instagram was all about a reprieve from the mupload. Freshman year of college I was accused one muploading (to Facebook) specific situations, which was apparently not national standard practice. Well Insta is the place for that.

This photo of my friend's LITERAL V CARD is an unnacceptable mupload but this Coachella screenshot is a great Insta

My friend’s LITERAL V CARD is an unnacceptable mupload but this Coachella screenshot is a great Insta

Then came the era of foodstagrams. Ugh. Quote from my mom who joined Insta last week (or any other adult): “I don’t get it. It’s just people posting pictures of their food.” Restaurants have literally banned taking food pics. We’re at the point of #fortheinsta where people get food they have no desire to eat just to gram it.***

But it’s a great place to follow celebs and bloggers, and thank god for the memes of Fuck Jerry, The Fat Jewish, and Girl With No Job.

Stalking

A great stalk machine for those you follow and people with non-private profiles. You go to a page and literally minutes later you realize you’re 80 weeks in. But Instagram stalking is like The Hurtlocker.† The double tap favorite is the work of Satan. Need I say more?:

*can’t find one of the million memes to put here*

Also while not quite stalking. There is truly nothing more satisfying than reading through comments on celebs photos. People are insane and idiotic and aggressive and it’s hilarious. I’ve heard great things about Kardashian insta comments. People are just fucking insane. Like a picture of a puppy turns into a rant against Israel in less time than it takes for me to take off my bra as soon as I get home.

The Breakup

Unless it’s someone who rarely posts or posts way too often, why unfollow? I mean it’s not that insane to unfollow someone, just a little overkill. Just don’t fucking like their photos. If you really want to hit someone where it hurts, comment on their photo without liking it. It’s basically the most evil, semi-passive aggressive, fuck you thing you can do. The psychology is that if someone just completely ignores your photo, hey…maybe they didn’t see it, but if they comment, you know they saw it and STILL didn’t heart that bitch. Regina George would salute you for a good comment without a like.

Since there’s no indication if someone is following you back when you look at their page (like the Follows You on Twitter), the only way to find out about an unfollow is a separate app like Friends +. I held off as long as I could, but I caved and I’m all about it now. Like it’s necessary if you’re going to keep an accurate shit list. Apparently there’s also a “ratio thing” about followers to people you follow but that seems more like a young people’s concern to me.

Stress Level

3.5 favorite hearts

3.5 out of 5 like hearts

I stress a lot about Instagram. Probably more than I should. We’ve already touched on the hair trigger like and deep CIA stalking implications. But there’s also very much that “like” threshold. Do you know there are actually known peak times of when to post for optimal likes? JESUS. I swear to god, these young folks get more likes than anything I’ve ever seen. It’s like hundreds. An insta is considered a failure if it gets less than a buck fifty double taps. Who gives a shit? It’s all about that 11 like threshold. Once you get to 11 (or 10 and then you like it yourself) it stops becoming a pathetic list of names and changes to a number. I’m not particularly popular, so my high count is probably 71 (pic of T-Swift and Alanis Morissette doing You Oughta Know at 1989). Whatever. I’m fine with that. Needing a lot of likes has gotta be like a man buying a literal peen shaped sports car. But in all fairness, a photo of me in my Molly Weasley finest has hit 100,423 (at time of publish) likes, soo….

weasley

But I will tell you, that slow slow wait for likes when people just aren’t having it is like that crazy limbo layer in Inception (although I think technically time goes by faster, not slower there but it still kind of makes my point)†† or the Quantum Realm in Antman. Sure there are always those people you can rely on to give you a like on everything. And they’re great. But true friendship is being able to tell someone to like your Insta ASAP. And disclaimer: both of my parents are on Instagram and never post anything so it kind of seems like they’re there just to like my shit but I swear to the Insta Gods (aka Fuck Jerry and The Fat Jew) that they’re not. And on the subject of liking your own photos: some say it’s okay to get to a target and then delete later. I try not to do it, but I like a quote from my brother (which is actually a quote from his tennis coach on fb statuses): “Of course I’m going to like my own post. If I didn’t like it, why would I have posted it?” And that was today’s food for thought.

There’s also the stress level of a good photo and caption. Is it even Insta worthy at all? What’s the right angle? Does it need editing in Afterlight or Facetune (there is so much photoshopping—literally trust no one! ahem….Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan)? Filter, or nah? Square Ready? And really think your captions through. A pun is always solid. A movie quote or lyric is fire. It’s not easy though. I recently went through a bout of writers block (hence the lateness of this post) that even extended to other creative endeavors like painting, but I knew it was really bad when I told my therapist (direct quote): “It’s gotten so bad I can’t even come up with a good Instagram caption.”

Snapchat

The second the concept was described to me, I responded, “oh that’s totally for nudie pics.” And so I immediately downloaded it and went crazy….lolz jk. Next time you’re walking down the street and rear end a girl who has inexplicably stopped for a duck face selfie, you can blame Evan Spiegel. It’s amazing the lack of shame people have when it comes to snap chatting in public places. It’s also now transformed into like just making silly faces at friends to a celeb social media form. HILLARY CLINTON HAS A SNAPCHAT. It has literally made celebs, Hello DJ Khaled–bless up. People are obsessed: Kylie Jenner is this close to following in her father’s deadly footsteps. But parents seem to have the same issue grasping Snapchat as they do with the whole enlarging Insta pics. They’ll hear about a snap you got and then be like show it to me and I’m like I CAN’T IT’S GONE THAT’S HOW THIS WORKS! But now you have stupid replay and stories (which while great almost defeat the original concept of the app). Snap has gone through so many changes it’s too exhausting to even write about. But I guess I kind of will.

Stalking

It used to be you could click on any friend and see their top 3 best friends. It was the stuff of jealous girlfriends’ dreams. It was amazing. But they fucking took that away from us. But, now there’s all these weird emojis and my girl Maisie gave me a little bit of an education. The sunglasses guy 😎 apparently means that one of your best friends is also best friends with that person. Unfortunately, Maisie only know this because it helped a friend (lets call her girl 1) realize that her (girl 1’s) bff was hooking up with girl 1’s ex boyfriend (or maybe current I forget). There are also a bunch of other symbols, some of which are really stupid, check them out if you want here. You can’t screenshot anything without the person being notified so like sleuth stalking potential downgraded (there are, of course, ways around this). Also you can’t tell who has watched your story, so I guess that goes in this category.

The Breakup

If you delete someone as a snapchat friend you’re a stupid idiot. It’s the most pointless thing. Like what if one day there’s something you just need to send them for 10 seconds or under. Seriously, think of your future. It’s also just stupid because like who cares. Don’t send them anything and don’t look at their stuff. If you’re really concerned you can block them from viewing your story, but even that’s a little overboard.

Stress Level

1/2 sent thingies

1.5 out of 5 sent thingies

There should be no stress here. I guess in case you send something to the wrong person. Or like that your nudies are going to get shared or hacked or whatever

Twitter

Guys I love twitter but please don’t judge me I’m tired and I could be watching I Know Who Killed Me right now so would you forgive me if I just didn’t do this one? Thank you twitter for a lot, but mostly the end of stupid short Facebook statuses.

Vine

LOLZ JK.

LinkedIn

No I’m not including it because I’m a graduating senior so my stress level on the subject is about 10 out of 5 endorsements.

*Parents meaning both our parents, and those in my generation who are now parents. Scary how fast that happened—-I’m still laughing when my teacher says “do do”

**Yeah right. Like I, or you, care enough to warrant that

***Yes I’m guilty of this: I grabbed this donut at work and 2 minutes after snapping it passed it on to a passing hungry superior

†While I have yet to see it, you can bet I will for love of my life Jeremy Renner. Speaking of which, here’s a little gift for you guys:

tumblr_m8i7ymZQvt1rzz8vno5_500 tumblr_m8i7ymZQvt1rzz8vno1_500Screen Shot 2016-02-08 at 4.28.31 PM

††Semi humble brag: I went to the premiere of this but missed out on a pic with Leo because someone wanted to leave the party early and go to Hooters. Aaaaaaand….Hooters turned out to be closed.

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Harry Potter and My Journey of Self Discovery

You could say I’m obsessed with Harry Potter. But then again I constantly tell people I’ve met maybe five minutes earlier that I’m obsessed with them, so maybe obsessed is not even close to strong enough. Think you’re more into it? Challenge me to a trivia contest, I DARE YOU. Yes, I’ve seen all the movies a million times. Yes, I read all the books repeatedly,  buying them all at midnight* (which one year meant brainstorming with my mom how to sneak out of camp and her bribing an airport bookstore employee) and reading them straight through in about a day whether I was at a barbecue or at home forced to lock myself in my mother’s shoe closet.** And yes, I’ve even read them in Spanish. (That’s why my resume says I know how to say wand, house elf, and centaur in Spanish. Easily my most useful skill). I’ve read every supplementary book and website- Leaky Cauldron, HP Lexicon, and joined Pottermore early. I have an official wand. I was with you crying when my owl didn’t come. But I bet I got you beat here. I wrote my college essay (yes, my main personal statement) on Harry Potter.

Screen Shot 2015-07-25 at 3.39.17 PMNo need to read the whole thing. In fact please don’t. This is just proof.

Let’s get back to the content of my essay later. Specifically me being a Gryffindor. Anyway, I believe I’ve proved to you and many baffled admissions officers I’m a major Potterhead. So when they built The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (and especially the later extension) in Orlando***, I literally begged to go every chance I got. Anyway I don’t know how it took me so long, but I finally went last week. My godmother bet me I’d cry. No comment. I wrote a whole review but got rid of it and might post it later. Basically, it’s hard to describe the experience because on one hand it was the most wonderful place on Earth, but also I had such extremely high expectations–it couldn’t possibly be as great as I needed/thought it’d be, could it? I’m still digesting I think. For those of you who haven’t been. Go.

imagejpeg_0I even sat in Sirius’s motorcycle with my girl Rowan acting like she Harry and I’m Hagrid (no giant jokes please)

Coming Out of the Closet Cupboard Under the Stairs

see what i did there?!!!!

Hello. My name is Nicole. And I am a Slytherin. And I’m fucking proud of it. Not only by self identification, but even Pottermore placed me there. But by that point (when everyone who didn’t cheat is creating a new account so they can be sorted Gryffindor) I already knew I was a Slytherin.

slytherin

So I guess I should start by addressing the obvious. As you can see from my essay. I clearly lied in my college application. I said I’d be a Gryffindor. I actually found an earlier draft that was fucking awful and was entirely about me being sorted and why I’d be a Gryffindor and about bravery and shit. I mean I guess it wasn’t a lie because back then I probably thought I was a Gryffindor, but I still got accepted under false pretenses. For all I know, that could have been the deciding factor.†

So I’d like to issue a formal apology and appeal to Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda. I regret my words and hope that you do not rescind my admission and let me finish out my last year. I understand if you must put an asterisk on my diploma and transcript….it’s only fair. Or maybe some kind of anti-endorsement on my LinkedIn page? I don’t know, whatever actions you think necessary.

So anyway, being true to myself I bought myself a Slytherin robe at Madame Malkins, The talking mirror  told me that green was not my color, but let’s face it she was just jealous because I look hella good in green. At least half my closet is green. I tried not to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day but found it physically impossible. Unfortunately the lady who worked there literally wouldn’t let me buy the one I wanted because, exact quote, I am “bustier than most all other women” and when my adult companion suggested I wouldn’t always wear it buttoned, the woman snapped that Professor McGonagall would never stand for it. You gotta give it to her for her commitment, but the next size up was so much bigger I’m now stuck with a $100+ cloak (FYI, in the books that robe would have only cost 80 sickles which is $47.39 in American muggle money. I did an inflation calculation but I don’t want to bore you with all the factors of that) that could fit me and Malfoy in it. Small/Medium my ass. 

I guess I’m dressing as Sexy Pansy Parkinson for the next 5 Halloweens…. 

slytherin

I want to make it very clear… despite the above photo, while I am a Slytherin, I AM NOT A DEATH EATER. (well obviously none of us are actually death eaters but I mean if I were really in that world I wouldn’t be one). It’s just Dark Marks are the only tattoos in the HP world and tattoos are awesome. As for why I’m using Voldemorts sword: #fortheinsta.

Don’t worry…..I also went full Harry/Dumbeledore’s Army on my other side:

lies

Anyway, here’s how I see it. First of all, not all Slytherins are evil. Fucking Merlin was a Slytherin. So ha! Though I don’t know much about Merlin so maybe ha me? Pottermore literally calls it “the coolest and edgiest house in the school.” It’s like being in a sorority wear everyone wears all black and does coke, but cooler because like magic and shit. Also, I could wear snakeskin print till the cows come home, so I got that covered.

Let’s go process of elimination. I’m not a Hufflepuff. One of their defining traits is patience. Yeah fucking right. I haven’t waited in a line for more than 2 minutes since I was like 5 years old. And that was one time to buy a Furby. I’m certainly not a RavenclawIn my 4 years at Penn, I’ve been in the library a total of 2 times. And only because I was basically forced. So it’s down to Gryffindor and Slytherin. I can say I’m brave and heroic all I want but when was the last time I saved a baby from a burning building? EXACTLY. Cunning and resourceful? Check. Ambitious? Yeah, when I take my ADD meds. Plus, I’m kind of a bitch.

And my love for Harry? Well first of all, I also totally crushed on Malfoy. In the movies not the books duh. Tom Felton is everything

150603105711-harry-potter-draco-then-now-super-169total cutie when we were young, and total fox now

But I could be a Slytherin and still totally be with Harry. We would totally be star-crossed lovers. Like Romeo and Juliet with a happy ending. Or no happy ending I don’t give a shit. All I’m saying, that I, even as a Slytherin, am a WAY better match than that fucking Ginny Weasley. Like fuck that trick.

Anyway, as you can see, I’ve put a lot of thought into why I am a Slytherin. But then again…..it could just be because green looks better on me. Actually, knowing me, the decision was definitely fashion based. Military jackets here I come!

*starting with the 5th book (at the bookstore below the across from the food court before they redid Century City, remember that?!). After all, I was only like 7 when the 4th was released and even my mom wouldn’t have made that big of a compromise on bedtime at that age.

**Both true stories. When I was finishing the final book, my parents were in the backyard with visiting family just talking so I got as far away and secluded as possible. Keep in mind, this was the quiet side of the family–the Resnikoffs, had the other side been over, I’d probably have had to get myself to another zip code for the peace and quiet I’d need.

***Mixed feelings on the Hollywood version opening. A) How big will it be and B) RIP Gibson Amphitheater whyyyyyyyy

† Although identifying as Slytherin would have probably been edgier and more unique. Fuck, maybe I would have gotten in early!