The Worst Movie in History: A Quick Rant

I love bad movies.* Like love them. I hate even to use the term “bad movies” because it is tbh, personally offensive. “Starring Nic Cage” are the three greatest words in the english language. If you don’t agree, you deserve to be attacked by bees and burned alive. If you haven’t seen Vampire’s Kiss, stop reading this stupid blog and watch it freaking immediately. 

while I suggest you watch the whole movie and not just this clip, I needed to put something happy in this post ’cause I’m about to get rull mad

Why am I not doing a post on my favorite of these movies? Maybe I should (I will), but I don’t want to seem like I’m ripping off my own personal bibleHow Did This Get Made? Plus, that would probably devolve into a whole post about my undying love for my future baby daddy Jason Mantzoukas,** and I’m not ready for him to take out a restraining order.

So first, I’m here to talk to you about something very important. It’s the thing that I am perhaps most passionate about…more than any political or social issue, more than Nic Cage movies or my belief that Biz Markie is the closest thing we’ve had to the next Barbra Streisandeven more than my belief that Giada De Laurentiis is human colonoscopy prep***….maybe even more than my love for Zouks. I’m talking about the fact that Sweet Home Alabama is a terrible, horrible movie. More like ‘Not-So-Sweet Home Alabama’ *slam* This is a different kind of movie than the ones I was talking about before. There are no words to describe it. It literally enrages me. I am shaking writing this.

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This is waaaaay too high of a score. And 78% audience score!!! For shame, America….for shame

Loyal criers know that my only other movie review was a retraction of a previous slamming. But I assure you, I will not change my mind on this one.

Look, I’m not saying this movie was poorly made or acted. Everyone is doing a fine job…I guess. What I am talking about, is the fact that we’re all pretending that this is a charming Reese Witherspoon romcom when in fact, it is a movie about a fucking sociopath. (….like borderline Giada level)

somehow, more likable than anything she does in this movie

Okay, let me give credit where credit is due. Reese (her character….I refuse to call her Melanie Smooter because it’s a stupid name but if anyone ever deserved the last name Smooter, it’s this character) is #SocialClimberGoals. I mean, she seems to be putting on her first fashion show, and she’s not only the hottest thing in fashion, but she is in a high profile romance with the mayor of New York’s son. And just in case all you gold diggers out there, or confirmed loyal crying readers Scott Disick and Meghan Markle, are thinking pshaaaaa, big whoop, let’s remember that the mayor’s son is freaking McDreamy. Brava, Reese. Plus, let’s be real, (spoiler alert) she really only ends up choosing the other guy after she finds out he became successful (as a glassmaker/storm chaser?). If it were a story about her conniving rise to the top, I could be on board. But I’m not okay with us being told to accept this bitch as the second coming of [insert Meg Ryan/Julia Roberts character here].

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there’s a joke here…

Instead of Reese, we are expected to believe that Candice Bergen is the villain. Okay, fine….she’s not the most moral character, but she is definitely not the least.

So she sends her dude to go spy on Reese down in ‘bama and get dirt on her? So what? SHE HAD EVERY RIGHT TO BE SUSPICIOUS! REESE WAS LYING ABOUT EVERYTHING. You can’t just change your name (okay, if my name were Smooter, I’d probably change it to Carmichael too) and be like okay all better now…ahem…Lana Del Rey (ok, she can). Did she even legally change it? Because if so, then there should be a record somewhere. If not, is she carrying around a fake id? You are the mayor of New York City…she isn’t a Soviet Spy† or in the witness protection program…it shouldn’t be that hard to find out who she is! And it’s not like she just rebranded…she’s straight up pinocchio-ing in magazine interviews. She was on the cover of W spewing lies like she’s Brian freaking Williams. Not only is that not chill from a publicity standpoint for public figures like Mayor Murphy Brown and her son McSecretary of Housing (Secretary McDreamy?), but isn’t she just being a good mother? What kind of relationship could they have? Did Reese spend the first few dates telling made up stories to McSecretary?

For all you luddites saying that we’ve become too dependent on technology and social media, I say that if the internet were as ubiquitous in 2002 as it is today, Reese never would have gotten away with this and this whole movie would have never happened. You know what? If this is the kind of girl we, as a society, root for, we deserve to be enslaved by the machines. In fact, I’m pretty sure Sweet Home Alabama direct prequel to Maximum Overdrive.


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the only Alabamian I can get behind

Okay, next point. You may think “sociopath” is an extreme label to slap on Reese’s forehead (don’t even get me started on her haircut), but I have the evidence to back my shit up. I’ve seen enough SVU and Criminal Minds to know that the 3 things in youth they say are signs of a future sociopath/murder are fire-setting, cruelty to animals, and bed-wetting. Um…helloooo… Reese literally blows up a bank by tying dynamite to a cat’s tail. I don’t care about the justification they give, that is 2 out of 3 markers right there.

Not sold on the evil sociopath theory yet? WHAT ABOUT WHEN SHE STRAIGHT UP OUTS A DUDE??!!! You can’t just go around outing people that are in the closet. [note to self: before publishing, come up with Ethan Embry joke along lines of Can’t Hardly Wait to come out] But we’re just supposed to be like whoopsie-daisies?

A few thoughts before we get to the problematic ending:

Bitch, you dumb: If you wanted to keep your engagement a secret, why in God’s name would you wear your engagement ring on that finger on a red carpet? And turning it around doesn’t do much…in fact it just looks like a wedding band since it’s the finger that’s important, not the ring. You had the good sense not to wear it into the husband’s house….even though we literally just saw that the engagement was on the front page of every paper!

And what, you expected the dog to just like live forever? You’ve been gone for 7 years…that’s like 49 years to him! And then later you’re gonna act all sad about the dead dog, but when you think Bear is alive, you’re not even happy to see him…you yell at him to shut up! And what kind of monster sees another dog and thinks it’s their own? This is the kind of bitch who picks up the wrong kid from daycare and doesn’t realize it until there’s a fucking amber alert out on the shorty she ‘napped.

Ooooh, I am not done yet. Okay you think you’re all great and classy and better than everyone else. But like, it’s no one’s fault but your own if your designs look like Jaclyn Smith’s Kmart collection. Yeah, $30 is hella expensive for that piece of crap.

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Mugatu’s assistant was Reese’s fashion designer mentor in this, so maybe Zoolander is a prequel to this and Maximum Overdrive?

Okay, let’s get to the whole ending. First of all, before we even get to the wedding, she kisses Josh Lucas, which helloooo is cheating on McJFK. But whatever. So, question is, who are you rooting for Reese to end up with? The answer should be “the Devil, in hell,” but let’s for one minute make the concession that Reese is the hero of this movie. Not that glassblower hubby proves to be a particularly bad guy, but hellooooo McDreamy!!! Even after it turns out that he is in a relationship built on lies with a white trash sociopath, he still wants to marry her! Okay, minute over. I don’t care who Reese ends up with, but WTF has Patrick Dempsey done wrong that he deserves to get left at the altar?†† I mean, he is such a good guy that she destroys him in front of everyone they know and he just kisses her hand and walks away. Reese…you think you can do better than this guy? Are you freaking kidding me?

And now for the most infuriating moment of this horror movie: Reese punches out Murphy Brown. And what? The audience is supposed to stand up and cheer with all the southern folk? Candice Bergen 100% got on board with the wedding once everything was out in the open. Sure, when she helps plan the wedding she forgets to check the weather, but come on, she’s the freaking mayor…she’s busy. In fact, she pays for the whole thing. I mean, technically, we only know that her son offers to pay, but even if it is “his” money, where do you think it really came from? I hope Reese had that lawyer she was using for her divorce on retainer, because if there is any justice in the world, she will be facing an assault charge soon.

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Reese and McDreamy’s wedding ended worse than any Game of Thrones wedding

I lied…next comes the most egregious thing: Reese tells everyone “if you’re friends of the bride stick around. I’m going to go find me a groom!” They then take the cake (and god knows what else) that the basically-Kennedys paid for and have a party to celebrate her getting back together with the other dude. Seriously?!! Seriously? I can’t even talk about this anymore….I think I’m about to have a stroke.

*Omg I can’t even describe how excited I am for The Disaster Artist

**If you know me, you know how not kidding I am. Seriously, if anyone can hook it up with Zouks for me, I would do anything. I’d even watch Sweet Home Alabama on a loop for a week. Seriously. He walked past me at the Paramount lot and I literally started crying. Marc Maron recently had him on WTF and I literally could not finish it because I was having too many feelings–I had to do it over multiple sittings.

***YAAAAAS QUEEN NICOLE KIDMAN! You are a national hero. I haven’t been this proud to be named Nicole since The Simple Life was on.

†Ooooh…I might be into that movie!

††Okay, I guess he does get a happy ending in that he doesn’t have to spend any more time with this she monster, but that’s the only concession I’m going to make.

Note: I called this a “quick” rant because I majorly shortened my usual diatribe. I’m telling you this could have been an entire Lord of the Rings length tirade.

Crying in DeLoreans

For at least the last 5 years, every 6 months or so people claim it’s “Future Day,” aka someone has photoshopped the display date on time machine from Back To The Future Part II. It circulates like wildfire on Facebook, some idiot websites/news services pick it up, and everyone from celebrities to alleged superfans make it a Twitter trending topic. I am the first to be like Bitch, PleaseI would have stuck to my guns at the very least that it was October 2015 even if I had Robert Zemeckis and Michael J. Fox telling me otherwise.* But kids, it’s finally here. We are officially living in the fucking future!

#nofilter

I guess you can say I’ve seen the BTTF movies a lot. If a lot is a psychotic amount. I’m like know every line, read every website/book/piece of trivia, just this year wrote a paper for school on it obsessed. Like had for a very long time wanted to get married at the clocktower courthouse** When the Universal Studios fire happened in 2008, I was not worried about potential ruin to Universal Music masters (aka my dad’s livelihood), but priority #1 was how is Hill Valley?! I’m thinking about taking a trip to Japan solely because the Back To The Future ride is still open there, despite the fact that simulation rides make me violently ill. You know in How I Met Your Motherthey say “if you’re not trilling it at least once every three years, the dark side wins?” Well, they really should have been talking about BTTF not Star Wars.

Sweeping declaration:

If you’re not trilling it at least every 3 MONTHS, Biff wins you’re tacky and I hate you.

The only fan I ever thought could match me was Seth McFarlane, but he let me down just like they all do when he had Doc Brown show up in A Million Ways To Die In The West which is set in 1882, when Doc clearly didn’t arrive in the Old West until 1885.*** Seth does a disgustingly good Marty McFly though, so wash.

Anyway, I’ve been preparing for this day half my life. I was supposed to be graduated by now and my dad was going to get me a DeLorean for the day, but I’m stuck in Philadelphia learning about international business ethics and electoral systems. Regardless, I am celebrating in style.

I got my Casio Calculator Watch, my orange puffer over a denim jacket a nearly identical plaid shirt with maroon undershirt, and my pockets turned out.† Plus, I have my horrible, yet painstakingly made, Mattel Hoverboard. Notice I’m not holding a Pepsi Perfect not because I am Diet Coke to the death and would never get so close to a pepsi product, but because my internet made me miss the flash sale at midnight/also it wouldn’t have arrived yet duh. Spoiler alert: this is my Halloween costume. When worn by someone hot, the sexy version is called the Marty Mc So Fly.

Anyway, it may be what everyone else on the freaking internet is doing, but let’s take a look at how our 2015 matches up with Bob Gale’s.

Baseball

Fucking World Series Winning Cubs

Look, I worked at a baseball agency one summer, but I usually do not give a fuck about baseball. But boy am I rooting for the Cubbies! The only times they’ve actually won the World Series were in 1907 and 1908. And now, in 2015, they’re still in in the semi-finals! Here’s the bad news, they now have to win 4 in a row to get to the finals. So basically it is beyond unlikely they’ll actually win the series, but at this point still a possibility. Here’s what I do know: if they lose tonight, they’re out. So my message to the Mets is if you kick the Cubs out of the playoffs ON Back to the Future Day, you are basically terrorists, Seriously Mets, throw the fucking game. Fun fact: In BTTF2‘s 2015, the Cubs beat Miami in the finals–which was particularly surprising since Miami didn’t have a pro baseball team in the 80’s. Guess who does currently have an MLB team? You guessed it, Miami! Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis are basically the baseball versions of that World Cup Octopus. One more fulfilled sports prophecy: they predicted an entire sport- Slamball. In the wise words of Karen Smith: It’s like they have ESPn or something!

Fashion1379849274910959205

I can’t say that I wasn’t beyond disappointed when designers didn’t show inside out pants or outside pockets in 2015/6 presentations. Rick Owens (stunningly) gave us human backpacks, but Kanye, who spent thousands on a pair of Nike’s Back To The Future limited editions, couldn’t turn a pocket out in his Yeezy presentation? Granted, nude body suits don’t have pockets but you could have added a nod! Jeremy Scott? Nothing? I’m not faulting anyone for opting out of the double tie. As I mentioned, Nike made Marty’s sick shoes, so I guess we’re just waiting for tech savvy jackets. Our Canada Gooses will have to do for now.

 Queen Diana (and Madam President)

This is obviously a sad one. At the time, Princess Diana was still married to Charles, and of course still alive. Plus, people didn’t know Queen Lizzie would still be a boss bitch. I was going to write this post at the beginning of 2015 when I resolved to write more as a what to expect this year. At the time, I thought a Queen Diana could technically be possible by now since Kate was knocked up with 4th in line to the throne. I didn’t know if it would be a girl named Diana who somehow ended up queen at 5 months old with a planned trip to Washington…how could I? As for a woman president….well technically the headline predicting that one is from tomorrows newspaper. Attorney General Loretta Lynch is 7th in the presidential succession line, so god forbid something happened to Obama and his first 6 successors, we could have a woman prez tomorrow.

Fun Fact: US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter is 6th in line, so haha Jack Donaghy!

Even Funner Fact: Ashton Carter’s full name is Ashton Baldwin Carter, so….are we calling Illuminati or what?

Hoverboards

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Hey. they may not be as cool as the ones Mattel crushed a generation of dreams with (or Griff’s Pitbull), but there’s no doubt “hoverboards” are a super hot trend for real this year.

Jaws 19

I love the Jaws movies. Especially the 11% Rotten Tomatoes rated Jaws 3-D. It may even be my favorite. Two words: Dennis. Quaid. (Oh! and BTTF Star Lea Thompson!) It’s a campy precursor to Blackfish. But its successor in the franchise, Jaws: The Revenge? Even I, the ultimate lover of bad movies, cannot even get through it no matter how many times I start it. There’s just a point a few minutes in where I, and not even in my usual white girl way, literally cannot. So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m glad this was just a joke. But like culturally…..Shark Week? I mean, I guess there’s something there.

80’s Nostalgia

Not so much right now as in recent years, but the 80’s are definitely back in that cocaine is definitely a thing. Right?

General Futureness/Technology

In BTTF2’s 2015, weathermen are 100% accurate down to the minute. Ummm this couldn’t be further from realistic today. I can’t even tell you how many times Siri has fucking betrayed me. It’s not even funny.

I mean we obviously don’t have flying cars or anything like that, but I’m pretty sure Limited Too sold me an alarm system for my bedroom that used my fingerprint the same way the houses of the future did. I mean I guess this is maybe an instance where Siri lives up to BTTF‘s expectations. Goddamn Siri. Also, lol fax machines in 2015.

I guess what I’m saying is that today’s a big day for me. I always figured today would come and everything would be all right, but after today the future’s just a big ole ball of uncertainty. Wow….I got really deep there. People should take me more seriously. I’m a real thinker. Oh and P.S., Lyft is offering DeLorean rides in New York. If I didn’t have those classes I was talking about, I would 1,000% be there and Crying in Lyfts. P.P.S. Let’s pretend I posted this at 4:29 pm PST.


*I am so sorry, I would never disrespect you Robert Zemeckis. You either, MJF. You’re a freaking national treasure (even if you are from Canada) This is the one time I am no Larry David!

**Outside, of course, since I’ve known it was a facade since I was a kid. Even though I wouldn’t trade it for the world, the downside to my dad driving me around the Universal Studios backlot as a kid was losing a bit of the movie magic. That and the fact that I still haven’t recovered from the trauma of seeing Woody Woodpecker walking around with his head in his hand.

***Yes, I understand it was winky and funny and I’m splitting hairs but come on Seth, how hard would it have been to say your movie took place 3 yrs later? I realized it immediately and it kind of distracted me the rest of the movie. Plus, I totally let it slide that the film took place in Arizona, not CA. Constant reminders to “think 4 dimensionally” prove that this is only a time machine, not Inspector Spacetime‘s phone booth!

†After I was so harsh on Seth you would be right to point out that I’m mixing outfits and this isn’t what Marty wears in the future (even before he dresses like his son he had already lost the vest and jacket) but I don’t care so screw you!

 

Harry Potter and My Journey of Self Discovery

You could say I’m obsessed with Harry Potter. But then again I constantly tell people I’ve met maybe five minutes earlier that I’m obsessed with them, so maybe obsessed is not even close to strong enough. Think you’re more into it? Challenge me to a trivia contest, I DARE YOU. Yes, I’ve seen all the movies a million times. Yes, I read all the books repeatedly,  buying them all at midnight* (which one year meant brainstorming with my mom how to sneak out of camp and her bribing an airport bookstore employee) and reading them straight through in about a day whether I was at a barbecue or at home forced to lock myself in my mother’s shoe closet.** And yes, I’ve even read them in Spanish. (That’s why my resume says I know how to say wand, house elf, and centaur in Spanish. Easily my most useful skill). I’ve read every supplementary book and website- Leaky Cauldron, HP Lexicon, and joined Pottermore early. I have an official wand. I was with you crying when my owl didn’t come. But I bet I got you beat here. I wrote my college essay (yes, my main personal statement) on Harry Potter.

Screen Shot 2015-07-25 at 3.39.17 PMNo need to read the whole thing. In fact please don’t. This is just proof.

Let’s get back to the content of my essay later. Specifically me being a Gryffindor. Anyway, I believe I’ve proved to you and many baffled admissions officers I’m a major Potterhead. So when they built The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (and especially the later extension) in Orlando***, I literally begged to go every chance I got. Anyway I don’t know how it took me so long, but I finally went last week. My godmother bet me I’d cry. No comment. I wrote a whole review but got rid of it and might post it later. Basically, it’s hard to describe the experience because on one hand it was the most wonderful place on Earth, but also I had such extremely high expectations–it couldn’t possibly be as great as I needed/thought it’d be, could it? I’m still digesting I think. For those of you who haven’t been. Go.

imagejpeg_0I even sat in Sirius’s motorcycle with my girl Rowan acting like she Harry and I’m Hagrid (no giant jokes please)

Coming Out of the Closet Cupboard Under the Stairs

see what i did there?!!!!

Hello. My name is Nicole. And I am a Slytherin. And I’m fucking proud of it. Not only by self identification, but even Pottermore placed me there. But by that point (when everyone who didn’t cheat is creating a new account so they can be sorted Gryffindor) I already knew I was a Slytherin.

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So I guess I should start by addressing the obvious. As you can see from my essay. I clearly lied in my college application. I said I’d be a Gryffindor. I actually found an earlier draft that was fucking awful and was entirely about me being sorted and why I’d be a Gryffindor and about bravery and shit. I mean I guess it wasn’t a lie because back then I probably thought I was a Gryffindor, but I still got accepted under false pretenses. For all I know, that could have been the deciding factor.†

So I’d like to issue a formal apology and appeal to Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda. I regret my words and hope that you do not rescind my admission and let me finish out my last year. I understand if you must put an asterisk on my diploma and transcript….it’s only fair. Or maybe some kind of anti-endorsement on my LinkedIn page? I don’t know, whatever actions you think necessary.

So anyway, being true to myself I bought myself a Slytherin robe at Madame Malkins, The talking mirror  told me that green was not my color, but let’s face it she was just jealous because I look hella good in green. At least half my closet is green. I tried not to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day but found it physically impossible. Unfortunately the lady who worked there literally wouldn’t let me buy the one I wanted because, exact quote, I am “bustier than most all other women” and when my adult companion suggested I wouldn’t always wear it buttoned, the woman snapped that Professor McGonagall would never stand for it. You gotta give it to her for her commitment, but the next size up was so much bigger I’m now stuck with a $100+ cloak (FYI, in the books that robe would have only cost 80 sickles which is $47.39 in American muggle money. I did an inflation calculation but I don’t want to bore you with all the factors of that) that could fit me and Malfoy in it. Small/Medium my ass. 

I guess I’m dressing as Sexy Pansy Parkinson for the next 5 Halloweens…. 

slytherin

I want to make it very clear… despite the above photo, while I am a Slytherin, I AM NOT A DEATH EATER. (well obviously none of us are actually death eaters but I mean if I were really in that world I wouldn’t be one). It’s just Dark Marks are the only tattoos in the HP world and tattoos are awesome. As for why I’m using Voldemorts sword: #fortheinsta.

Don’t worry…..I also went full Harry/Dumbeledore’s Army on my other side:

lies

Anyway, here’s how I see it. First of all, not all Slytherins are evil. Fucking Merlin was a Slytherin. So ha! Though I don’t know much about Merlin so maybe ha me? Pottermore literally calls it “the coolest and edgiest house in the school.” It’s like being in a sorority wear everyone wears all black and does coke, but cooler because like magic and shit. Also, I could wear snakeskin print till the cows come home, so I got that covered.

Let’s go process of elimination. I’m not a Hufflepuff. One of their defining traits is patience. Yeah fucking right. I haven’t waited in a line for more than 2 minutes since I was like 5 years old. And that was one time to buy a Furby. I’m certainly not a RavenclawIn my 4 years at Penn, I’ve been in the library a total of 2 times. And only because I was basically forced. So it’s down to Gryffindor and Slytherin. I can say I’m brave and heroic all I want but when was the last time I saved a baby from a burning building? EXACTLY. Cunning and resourceful? Check. Ambitious? Yeah, when I take my ADD meds. Plus, I’m kind of a bitch.

And my love for Harry? Well first of all, I also totally crushed on Malfoy. In the movies not the books duh. Tom Felton is everything

150603105711-harry-potter-draco-then-now-super-169total cutie when we were young, and total fox now

But I could be a Slytherin and still totally be with Harry. We would totally be star-crossed lovers. Like Romeo and Juliet with a happy ending. Or no happy ending I don’t give a shit. All I’m saying, that I, even as a Slytherin, am a WAY better match than that fucking Ginny Weasley. Like fuck that trick.

Anyway, as you can see, I’ve put a lot of thought into why I am a Slytherin. But then again…..it could just be because green looks better on me. Actually, knowing me, the decision was definitely fashion based. Military jackets here I come!

*starting with the 5th book (at the bookstore below the across from the food court before they redid Century City, remember that?!). After all, I was only like 7 when the 4th was released and even my mom wouldn’t have made that big of a compromise on bedtime at that age.

**Both true stories. When I was finishing the final book, my parents were in the backyard with visiting family just talking so I got as far away and secluded as possible. Keep in mind, this was the quiet side of the family–the Resnikoffs, had the other side been over, I’d probably have had to get myself to another zip code for the peace and quiet I’d need.

***Mixed feelings on the Hollywood version opening. A) How big will it be and B) RIP Gibson Amphitheater whyyyyyyyy

† Although identifying as Slytherin would have probably been edgier and more unique. Fuck, maybe I would have gotten in early!

A Dear John (Cho) Letter

So I tend to go back and forth about what I want to do for a living, but if there’s one constant it’s that a large part of me wants to be a power player in entertainment for one very specific reason: to make John Cho Hollywood’s biggest star. It may be running a studio and putting him in starring roles in the biggest movies or  maybe being his agent and working my ass off for him, but I’m all about Mission Cho.

Here’s the thing…John Cho is one of the most important actor people of our time. Skeptical? Well here’s an red-letter day in history: July 9, 1999. American Pie was released and the word MILF was introduced into the cultural lexicon. And don’t act like that’s not a big deal, between all of the spin-offs (DILF, GILF, etc), John basically started a cultural revolution.* With those few words, “Duuuuuude, that chicks a MILF,” John Cho took his place in pop-culture history. You’d think MILF! MILF! MILF! would have earned him a spot on the A-List. If not the chanting, at the very least the image of him drunkenly making out with a framed photo on the wall of Jennifer Coolidge.

Not to say he hasn’t done great things, he just deserves so much better. I mean, he was only credited as “MILF Guy #2” — seriously, not even main MILF Guy?!! All “MILF Guy #1 did was ask what the hell a MILF was and basically be John Cho’s sidekick! At least for American Pie 2 and American Wedding they named him “John” (very creative), but curiously went back to crediting him as MILF Guy #2 in American Reunion, according to imdb, despite having a much larger role (and facial hair) in this installment.

He really ought to be a leading man. Yes, he has had some starring roles, but in nothing big besides Harold and Kumarand having a lead role doesn’t a leading man make. He’s funny and handsome and there’s no reason he shouldn’t be up there with the likes of Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Joseph-Gordon Levitt, and Paul Rudd. Maybe there’s something to be said of the lack of asian movie stars, I don’t know. All I do know, is that I’d love to see him as the lead in a great Rom-Com (preferably opposite Malin Ackerman because I feel the same way about her), or in a dramatic role worthy of Best Lead Actor nominations, or as a superhero in a future Marvel or DC blockbuster. At the very least I want a great TV show for him, which leads me to his new show, Selfie.

Before I talk Selfie, I don’t think a John Cho post would be complete without a paragraph on Harold and Kumar. John Cho is great in what, despite the cultural impact of MILF Guy #2, is his defining/most well known role as Harold. He plays the straight-man to Kal Penn‘s Kumar and but still shows a zany side. And his romantic storyline in White Castle is evidence of how great he’d be headlining his own Rom-Com. And as funny as the trilogy is and as much as he gained a fan-base from it that even extends past the obvious stoners, this was not the star-maker that it should have been for either Kal or John. Really, it was only a career catalyst (in the way it should have been for John) for Neil Patrick Harris, although I will admit this is deservedly so.

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While I’m not settling for anything less than Hollywood Royalty, I love John as the fencing helmsman of the USS Enterprise in the Star Trek reboot. It’s a great franchise and Sulu is an iconic role. And not that I’m a trekkie, but apparently in the original movies, Sulu eventually becomes captain of his own ship, so maybe we’ll see John starring in a Star Trek down the line?

He has of course had small parts in tons of movies over the years and found himself guesting on some of my favorite TV shows including seducing Marshall in How I Met Your Mother and cooking meth as a stereotypical Québécois (in that he’s good at karate) in 30 Rock. His most promising was his role on FlashForward, a show that got cancelled way too soon and unfairly.

Okay, let’s talk Selfie. It’s a modern telling of My Fair Ladyrevolving around social media. As the Henry Higgins character, named Henry Higenbottam (possibly by the same person who came up with “John?”), he works to “rebrand” social media star Eliza Dooley’s image. When I first heard John Cho was starring in an ABC show, I was obviously very very excited. But as soon as I got more info, I had immediate reservations. I mean the name itself would prevent me from watching it if it weren’t for John. I think everyone rolled their eyes when they heard the title, so no explanation necessary here. But bad titles have riddled good TV shows before– Don’t Trust the B In Apartment 23, the ever-so wonderful Trophy Wife (Yay Malin!), and of course, Cougar TownOf course things didn’t go so well for Apt 23 and Trophy Wife, and Cougar Town seems to live in limbo. The premise of Selfie doesn’t really seem sustainable, but that doesn’t mean it can’t evolve.

It premieres on ABC September 30, but I watched it early and have some thoughts (as can you via the link above). Understandably, the theme song seems to be #Selfie (at least thank god they didm’t but a hashtag in the title of the show!**) We get off to a good start, John…Henry…. comes straight out the gate saying what we’re all thinking #blessed. There’s some Austin Powers like wordplay but it kind of works. Without getting into too many details, I’d just like to point out they’re taking the jif pronunciation stance over gif. But ugh, are we really supposed to be taking this seriously? At least true to its name, the show stays pretty true to its social media references through graphics. Not that I like it. Like I get it, you can tag people on Instagram and you’re using Siri and iPhones make that little bloop when you send a text. But let’s get back to the man of the hour: John Cho is great as the behind-the-times grump…it’s very John Cho. Oof..warning…there’s a Let It Go reference. John Cho is great as the uptight, perpetually single, Henry. I certainly have issues with how heavily they rely on the “properness” or “englishness” of My Fair Lady, but for what he’s given John Cho is great in it. I don’t know how long this can last, but I can only hope it propels him into something worthy!

So here comes the letter part: John, if you’re out there reading this, I guess my question to you is, where can I send my resume? And I assume you’ll want my info to give your lawyers for the restraining order and all. Either way, you can reach me by email at nicole@cryinginubers.com

* Okay, yes I know technically it was the writers, but you know….

Ed Note: Sorry was the title misleading? I am in no way breaking up with John Cho

Personal Ad: Psycho seeking BFF (Working out my issues through an extensive exploration of I Love You, Man)

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There are a few times in life when you make a new batch of friends. When you’re a toddler, your parents decide your friends for you and unless you encounter a violent hair-pulling bitch or god-forbid a kid who doesn’t know how to share, everyone is pretty happy hanging with everyone else. It’s like, “You like sitting around drooling and sucking your thumb and playing with Barbies? No way! Me too? Hashtag Besties.

tumblr_mlbq5p1rzo1s0q2xro1_500When you start school, you kind of just become friends with kids in your class who are right there and everyone’s looking for friends so it’s not too difficult. Plus, mom’s still arranging playdates. You have to invite every kid in the class to your birthday party because like inclusion, duh. Same goes with Valentine’s Day cards. I mean, it was stressful enough choosing between Hello Kitty or Power Rangers or assorted animals, and then picking which specific card to give to each person (no mom I can’t give Jake “Bee Mine” I’ll have to give him the one that just says “Happy Valentine’s Day” or he’ll think I like like him!), I don’t think I could have dealt with choosing who to give cards to at all! (this is not Facebook birthday politics, after all) And as you get older in school, you still are kind of presented with a small pool to choose friends from, whether at school or extracurricular activities, or whatever.

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The next big one is college. It’s like it was before except with so many more people and you are basically starting over completely. I assume most people start with their roommates and hallmates and expand into meeting people in classes and once they start clubs/frats and sororities. All you do is bond over a Natty Light. With parties and all, the alcohol really helps. My hall was just really close and we all became friends. The rest of my friends basically came from friends of friends of friends of my hall. But freshman year is easy…everyone is looking for friends, and then as college goes on you just expand the web. You really could play six degrees with all my hall mates to find every single one of my friends.*

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Post-graduation really depends on where you move. You stay in touch with your college friends who are local and reconnect with any high school pals nearby. Then you make friends at work. Once you’re in a serious relationship your friend count doubles as you adopt your S.O.’s as your own and once you have kids you become friends with their friends’ parents. By the time you’re all old and wrinkly it’s the same as when you were a baby: “You like sitting around drooling and sucking your thumb?” but instead of playing with Barbies it’s shuffleboard, “pound sign on a rotary phone Besties!”franco

Okay, so here’s my dilemma, all my friends graduated and I’m back at school but none of the other juniors and seniors are looking to make new friends, so what do I do? I have to be all bubbly and friendly and put myself out there? Ugh, because if it wasn’t clear I hate people. Basically I’m Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man. I can only hope to find someone as great as Jason Segel‘s Sydney, so let’s see how Peter (Rudd) got there.

Lindsay-Lohan-I-have-Class-and-you-dontFencing

Well we know that none of Peter’s fencing buddies liked him, but even if they did I don’t think I’d bite. I was actually obsessed with fencing after Parent Trap and even had a fencing birthday party. I then tried to actually take up fencing in middle school but the masks smelled disgusting (as did my coache’s breath, if I recall). It’s debatable whether it worked for Halle and Annie in Parent Trap, but I think that could of also just been Lindsay Lohan getting to live every narcissist’s dream and being bffs with herself.

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Well the ‘man date’ set up by Peter’s mom turned out to be a real date, and I’m for sure too much of a mess for anyone to want to be set up on a date date with me. Getting set up by his brother didn’t end up working for Peter but that’s ultimately irrelevant in my pursuit because my brother is probably way to cool to want to introduce me to any of his friends, see previous mention of being a mess or literally any previous post for proof I’m a weirdo/psycho. It’s okay, I’m kind of trying to make friends with his friends behind his back. This is (not) awesome! This is (not) awesome! And finally, Peter is set up with a group of guys through his fiancé but like if I haven’t made it clear theres obviously no way I could have a S.O. Also wouldn’t turn out the same because I choose The Rolling Stones over The Beatles, am semi-competent regarding the hands in poker, and can hold my liquor way better than Peter. Now watch me projectile vomit the second I do meet friends. (at least it would be v Mischa Barton of me)

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Read: Tinder. I mean, is there really a way to meet people online platonically? And even if there was, would I go for it? No. I mean the old guy Peter meets is so cute and it’s all very sweet but like first of all it just goes to show everyone’s lying: “that picture is from a few years back.” I mean only like old people put up insanely outdated pictures because if I put up a picture from 15 years ago I’d probably need to report the person who wants to meet up with the girl in the overalls and pigtails. Although I might not be exactly surprised given my baby prostitute days:

niPlease don’t report me to SVU for kiddie porn guys

Anyway, getting a bit off topic here and will write more on online dating later, but point is this ain’t gonna work for me.

tumblr_m2c4m1n1eH1qjv7jjo1_500Success at An Open House at The Hulk’s

Unless Mark Ruffalo (or really even Edward Norton) has a place in Philly they not only want to sell, but are also willing to entrust the sale trust a non-realtor 21 year old girl, I won’t be able to recreate the exact circumstances of this friend on friend meet-cute. Maybe I could hit up an open house and be the Jason Segel character, but I’m worried no one else will find my theories on flatulence as endearing as they really should. And even if I did meet someone, how to I bond the way Peter and Sidney did? Who’s my Rush? You think someone will slappa da base with me to Bon Jovi? Or repeatedly to that new Taylor Swift song (but not her other songs**) or the old Jewel song I’m currently obsessed with? Will my Sidney (I’d even settle for a Hank Mardukas) be as forgiving when I call them City Slicker or Joben, because I most certainly will. And most importantly, will they forgive my psycho-ness when I inevitably end up crying in an uber?

amytinHonestly, I just don’t know. Meeting people is just like ugh the worst. I really just want to meet people who hate everyone as much as I do. So, set me up if you want to, and if by any chance any Philadelphians who don’t know me are reading this don’t judge me if I give in and start being friendly. And well, in the mean time, I’ll just be spending most night with my best friend Don. Don Julio.

 

* Except my best friend Sunny. As her name would suggest she is the opposite of me and did exactly what I complained about not wanting to do in this post. We were sitting next to each other in a lecture hall listening to someone speak during a visiting day at Penn Junior year of high school and she literally just turned to me and said “Hi! I’m Sunny!” Here’s a pic of us being in love years later:

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**Ugh okay I hate to admit it but also maybe We Are Never Ever Getting Back TogetherI Knew You Were Trouble, and 22

Ed note: Moments before publishing I was sitting in my American Political Thought class and noticed how fucking old I am compared to everyone else. This is going to suck.

Uptown Girls, Two Thumbs UP: A Retraction of My Sixth Grade Review

Look, I made a lot of mistakes in sixth grade. Many of them were fashion related, as detailed in this previous post. Also, I’m definitely not saying that one time I may or may not have possibly farted during homeroom and tried to play it cool, but I’m also not entirely saying I didn’t… However, recently, another sixth grade mistake has come to my attention. And when I am wrong, I say I’m wrong so I’m using this blog to rectify that situation.

In sixth grade, I was on the El Rodeo Student News.* One weekend, I saw the Brittany Murphy/Dakota Fanning movie Uptown Girls with my father and we both hated it, so naturally I decided to show off my clearly higher-than-sixth-grade-girl standards to the entire school with a scathing review. I don’t remember details, but I do remember writing the headline, Uptown Girls: Two Thumbs Down. Now, I’d like to believe the “two thumbs down” was a play on the “Up” part of “Uptown,” but more realistically in a stroke of great pretentiousness I saw myself a mini Roger Ebert. I recently rewatched Uptown Girls, and I’d like to formally retract my review, a la The Patriot News.

Dakotaalways an adult trapped in a kid’s body, Dakota gives us a peak at a situation women know all too well

In the words of another great Weekend Update guest: This movie has everything: Turk/Murray’s mole aka “tickle button,” Heather Locklear as a workaholic exec (ha!), that hot Australian guy from House, Brittany Murphy in a DIY overall dress, and Dakota Fanning at her Dakotaiest. In fact, the only thing Uptown Girls doesn’t have is the titular (singularized) Billy Joel song.

It’s the classic modern day princess story. Rich, free-spirited Molly’s rockstar parents died, leaving her a fabulous New York apartment filled with a fabulous wardrobe, a freezer of loose cash, and a pet pig. Molly may have it all (other than a job), but she’s not your average superficial rich girl– she makes a hair accessory out of a mini candle shade from Home Depot!! She even gives flowers to her old neighbor, a thong to her doorman, and her gifts to the Salvation Army! Long story short, Molly loses all her money and must get a job nannying for anal retentive, OCD, Ray, aka Dakota Fanning in everything ever.

The movie has a 14% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I truly believe the 96 critics, as well as twelve year old me, didn’t fully grasp the true deepness of this movie. I mean, we’re talking about an unlikely friendship between a carefree heiress and a no-nonsense neat freak. AND it’s between an adult and a child. AND the child is the grown-up of the relationship and the adult is the immature one! Woah, way to blow my mind, here! Talk about originality!

This movie is just packed with emotional scenes on par with Academy Award Best Pictures. Ray may be an OCD nutcase, but there has to be a reason, right? Oh, is there! Ray’s mom completely neglects her, and her father is in a coma, a few rooms down the hall from her bedroom. She’s eight years old and must pass her father every day, but refuses to connect with him because he’s a “vegetable.” Guys, this is some real shit. As if that wasn’t enough, just one day after Molly convinces Ray it will help him to spend time with her comatose father, he up and dies. You may have felt a little twinge when Coney Island is closed the first time our girls go, but if you didn’t sob when Ray collapses onto Molly their second visit, you’re an absolute monster!

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Dakota Fanning gives a memorable performance as she evolves from quoting Baryshnikov, and sanitizing plastic scones to puking post-spinning teacups at germ-ridden Coney Island, and literally letting her hair down and letting loose during a ballet performance (pictured above). Along the way, she gives a show stopping performance slapping and punching her babysitter until she breaks down in tears.

The late Brittany Murphy (RIP) plays carefree as well as anybody. And I think it is truly a testament to her acting that despite how annoying and delusional her character may be in regards to her love interest, that I couldn’t help but cry the happiest of tears when Neal showed up at Ray’s recital to perform “Molly Smiles” and reveal it was he who bought her fathers’ guitar collection at auction— can you say plot twist?!!! I hope you were paying attention M. Night Shyamalan!!!

Overall, I’d like to retract my review from ten years ago, and apologize to the El Rodeo Community- I did not do you justice as a responsible journalist and reviewer. I hope this post can undo all the damage I may have caused.

*I have a bunch of memories of this fact and the following story, but no real evidence, so keep in mind there is a small chance this entire newspaper is a figment of my imagination.

Ed note: I think Jeremiah Atkinson is one of the most genius characters to come out of SNL. I cry laughing every time I watch his original appearance.