Wine and Stream of Consciousness and Peter Pan

hook

So here are my thoughts on last night’s Crying in Ubers viewing of NBC’s Peter Pan Live! They’re highly edited because *wine* (specifically I had written out the word hashtag a lot), but highly entertaining and educational. Here. We. Go.

Okay. T minus 10 minutes. I have NBC on. They’re interviewing Ariana Grande. Ugh. Can we just all thank the lord they didn’t cast her in this thing? We’d be unable to understand anything even before drinking! Such marble mouth, Anyway, I have the lights dimmed, candles lit (seriously), and my significant other, Sauvignon Blanc, right next to me.

Guys, this Whitney Houston biopic looks amaaaaaaaaaaaaze. I Will Always Love Yoooooouuuuuuuuu….. after last night just waiting for the Mariah Carey Lifetime Movie. It can’t be far off. Plus, after that NBC disaster, Mariah might agree to play herself.

I’d like to point out that I’m watching this sitting up in the living room rather than in my bed because, like, professionalism.

Holy Shit, Billy Bush just said this was going to be 3 hours long. Is it too late to back out?

Okay it’s starting. I already forgot the rules.

FUCK IT. LET’S JUST DRINK. WAIT I KEEP FORGETTING NO ONE IS READING THIS.

Look, at this point (like five minutes in) I’ve forgotten my own rules and playing the game and attempting to blog and tweet at the same time is too stressful. Taking a Klonopin. Taking another. Still…. I CAN’T TAKE THE PRESSURE.

Okay, I’m pretty sure I’ve had this problem since the cartoon. What makes this mother think that a shaggy Newfoudland is capable of childcare? Like you can’t possibly be that bad a mother. True, I think Tim Allen did a movie where he became a dog like that but a) I’m fairly certain that hadn’t come out yet when this takes place and b) is human Tim Allen even capable of childcare? Just something to hashtag ponder. Hashtag ponder? Maybe I should ease on the wine. Oh well, rules are rules.

Wait, this is live….how are they making this tiny Tinker light? OMG GUYS. DO YOU THINK NBC IS IN POSSESSION OF REAL FAIRIES? Did they get them out of Ariana Grande’s butt?!! (ed note: Hi this is Nicki the morning after….I never meant to reveal my theory that there’s a fairy kingdom in the very unsexy **rant for another time** Grande’s butt, but I guess it’s out there now)

Okay, within seconds of Allison Williams appearing on screen/stage I’m like no. Chug. Although I’m into the shadow. I’m just now realizing Peter Pan was the first thing I ever saw on Broadway. awwwww. I was like five so I can say I was probably not this drunk. But definitely cannot promise it definitively.

I assume everyone was laughing at loud at Allison Williams right? The accent. The movements. Allison Williams. Nope, it’s the accent.

So maybe I’ve never seen Hook, but I’m definitely daydreaming about Once Upon A Time. Do you guys watch that show? It’s amazing. Hook in it is insanely hot. Guyliner for the win. Ew I just said for the win. Drink three times for self punishment.

Did anyone else wish Jonah Hill was playing Peter instead of Allison when I’ve Gotta A Crow started? Certainly everyone, right?

I tweeted about Peter possibly telling Wendy, “Gesundheit.” Don’t think I didn’t have to Google that to figure out even an even remotely correct spelling.

I forget, do Peter and Wendy hook up? Peter and Tink? Is there a threeway? Marnie goes Lez. HAHAHAHHAHA she said “Girls!” That’s the name of her HBO show!

I want to play Peter Pan it’d be fun. But like boobs (even if i were ano enough).

There’s this annoying girl in one of my classes who was like why have Allison Williams play a male Peter Pan and not make it a female character? (actually maybe it wasn’t the girl I hate but there is a girl like that in that class) It’s like hellooooo this whole story is based in sexism. The whole reason Wendy gets to come to Neverland is to be a maternal figure/wife to this island of boys. If there were girls in Neverland this whole story of the Darlings would be a nonstarter. Whoa. Shit just got real. Feminism.

WHO IS MELISSA JOAN HART‘S HUSBAND? HE IS SO HOT. UNTIL RECENTLY, I ASSUMED SHE MARRIED HARVEY UNTIL IT CHANGED TO ME THINKING SHE MARRIED ANTHONY ANDERSON.

I’m hungry. I’m considering using the annual Crying in Ubers budget to pay someone to go downstairs and meet a post mate in the lobby because I am that dedicated to horribly chronicling this for literally 2 people I know and 10 randos in like Kazakstan to read. Jk, we don’t have an annual budget here at Crying. I am using literally all my dispensable income (read: allowance from my dad) to keep my cryinginubers.com domain. And yes, I said we as if implying there’s more than one weirdo running this shithole. Maybe I’ll hire someone if I can find the money. That person’s job would consist entirely of getting my food from the lobby. Also holding my hair back tn? Jk…maybe?

OMFG, that is soooooo Smee! (It doesn’t matter what I’m talking about here. Fuck if I know)

The Christopher Walken as Captain Hook Center for Children who Can’t Pirate Good and Want to Do Other Stuff Good Too.

The Neverland set looks like the centerpieces at a low budget Bar Mitzvah. RIGHT?!

I’m just now realizing that I really wish Michelle Trachtenberg was in  this. Not sure as which character, but definitely in it. Because everything’s a little better with a little Georgina Sparks. See: Harriet the Spy. Also, the guy from A Fault in Our Stars. I didn’t see it, but he was adorbs and I have the feeling he’d have killed it as a Lost Boy.

Tangent (not that everything else hasn’t been): I love Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake as the voices of the iPhone 6. Like genius. But I’d like to go on a rant. Well rant-lite. Why are literally all tech commercials now just like voices with the device floating in vast white nothingness? Literally, THEY’RE ALL THE SAME NOW. Remember when we got more than hands? Hi, I’m a Mac. I’m a PC. CLASSIC JUSTIN LONG! (Dodgeball!) Also like Intel used to like bring people into the store? I don’t know. I’m just nostalgic.

Did Christopher Walken do a movie about Ping Pong? I feel like he did. Did he look basically the same in that movie? I feel like he did. I’d rather be watching that. Maybe I’ll watch after. I love his mole.

So at this point, an hour and a half in, it seems abundantly clear that Tinkerbell is not being played by an actress. Also, Cara Delevigne is NOT in this. Apparently she is in an upcoming film version with Hugh Jackman. Which makes a lot more sense. The film part, not the Hugh Jackman part. Although….

I clearly found myself singing along with the boys during I’ll Never Grow Up. My roommates loved it. Encore! Encore! they cried. Oh wait. nope they were like, I hope you’re speeding on the way to the club trying to hurry up to get some baller or singer or something like that and try to put on your makeup in the mirror and crash, crash, crash into a ditch, not playing.

WENDY IS BATSHIT CRAZY. Like, she’s delusional. Get an American Girl Doll or something. Bitch be tripping. Bitch is thirstyyyyyy. That means horned up right? Or is it salty? What does salty mean? I never know how the kids are talking. I’m such a square.

Call from my mom: “How is it? How’s Christopher Walken? He seems like he’d be too drunk to do it” Me: “Is he an alcoholic?” Mom: “No. I just think he would.”

I’ve spent a long time tonight working on my Christopher Walken impression. It’s gone from atrocious to ew literally stfu. 

(yes)

2 hours in i’m happy to report i’ve resorted to just having an imaginary conversation with myself doing my Rebel Wilson and Christopher Walken impressions. I’ve failed you all. As a journalist. I apologize. It’s on par with, like, the whole Genoa plot line on last season of The Newsroom.

Okay can we talk about The Newsroom? The first season was atrocious. but I watched of course because it was back in the days when I was obsessed with John Gallagher Jr. (what if they did Spring Awakening next year?! Not theatrical enough so they’d never, but bewbs) and Don is douchey enough to make that actor super hot (if he’s hot enough for Olivia Munn, he’s hot enough for me. Aaron Rodgers tangent? No. Focus Rez!). Second season was markedly better and this season is low-key amazing. I DON’T WANT IT TO END!!! Is there a new episode this Sunday? Okay…I have something to look forward to even as the weekend ends. Score.

Peter Pan just told me to clap if I believed. I did. And then I chugged the rest of the bottle. The end.

Nevermind my roommate end I ended up talking about stuff. Maybe because I’m so attracted to Walken. #cackler ed note: How are those 2 things related. Also maybe only one friend who probably won’t read this will understand cackle **girl looking down emoji**

MINNIE DRIVER IS OLD WENDY HOLY TWIST

what the fuck i’m literally yelling at the screen WENDY IS THE WORST MOM. SHE’S WORSE THAN HER MOM. SHE’S WORSE THAN NANA.

I’d really like to end it on that note. And please let it sink in how awful a mother Wendy is. Please. That is the most important takeaway.

Thoughts from before I gave up (aka from the first 5 minutes):

Minnie Driver. Drink.

This dog is confusing….

I CAN’T UNDERSTAND THESE ACCENTS.

Does the dad call the mom “mother?” This is weird. I don’t like the Darlings.

PoppyCock. hahahahhaahhah. Cock

THIS DOG IS SO CUTE.

OMG WENDY’S ACTING>>>>>>

Okay I actually like Allison’s costume. Also her body is great. But her shadow seems a little chubs, no? Also out of sync?

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The Official Crying in Ubers Peter Pan Drinking Game

So tonight sees NBC’s Peter Pan Live and I for one could not be more excited. I would love to live blog it but I am not that technologically savvy. So instead I’m providing you with the official Crying In Ubers Drinking Game for the live musical event. I’ll be partaking solo with a bottle of wine. Since most drinking games are not meant for friendless alcoholics like me, I had to slightly alter existing games to be fit for one, but the #CryinginUbersPeterPan (Long hashtag I know… #CiUPeterPan? #drinkinginubers? #PeterPaninUbers?) drinking game is a combo from those found at Billboard, E!and Decider. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow! Have fun Criers!!

Take One Sip When:

– You shamefully think to yourself, “Is it just me, or is that Lost Boy really attractive?”

– Nana The Dog barks/moves at the wrong time OMG are they really using a real dog? Thinking about putting Marley into show business…he’d literally be terrible, but would get drinking game players freaking wasted

– Something happens that makes you think, “This is all clearly designed for children. What am I doing?” In all fairness, this happens to me on the reg.

– There’s an awkwardly placed commercial break

– You think Allison Williams may be too tall to be Peter YES….I will take one large sip for this one at the beginning….I have been complaining about this since she was cast! The whole point of a female Peter is to be small enough to be lifted by wires! Also she looks like she’s 30….Peter Pan has clearly ‘grown up’… yes, you. Like did no one consider Miley? At least she has the hair…?

 Someone says/sings the words “grow up”

-Any time Captain Hook tap-dances

-Any time a line is flubbed

-Any time Smee does something that could be described as being “classic Smee!” As of now, I don’t know what classifies as “classic Smee!” but I have a feeling a few minutes and sips in, I sure will

-Any time Minnie Driver narrates something and you suddenly remember Minnie Driver is the narrator. Oy.

Take Two Sips When:

– Anyone is flying

– You feel compelled to sing

– Any time you wonder if you should just watch Hook instead I’ve never seen Hook, that’s an issue, right? Like what was up with my childhood? I’m deferring the blame on this one to mom and dad. I have seen Jumanji plenty of times though….that’s the same, right?

– You “think lovely thoughts”

– There’s a costume or set piece mishap

-Every time Christopher Walken pauses between a line

-Every time you want to “pour one out” for Robin Williams Hahahahahaha like I would EVER waste my wine. But seriously, RIP. This makes me too sad to think about.

Take Three Sips When:

– You spy a multi-colored crocodile

– Someone you’re watching with references Christopher Walken’s singing in Hairspray I’m never not thinking about Christopher Walken in Hairspray so this one will be hard…

– You decide, what the hell, you believe in fairies, too

-Any time Allison Williams looks scared

-Any time Tiger Lily or one of the Indians does something “problematic” See Coachella post on Kardashians in headdresses

-Any time Captain Hook’s hat falls off

-Any time Captain Hook’s hook falls off #tbt to the time I played Lumière in Beauty and the Beast and one of my candlesticks fell off my hand during Mrs. Potts’ big moving moment singing the titular song

-Any time a lost boy or a pirate trips

Chug like a boss:

-Every time you question the choice of fishnets on Peter’s sleeves

-Every time you or someone else screams out “yarrr!” like a pirate Well, this bottle’s gonna go by quickly

– Any time you question the sexual tension between Peter and Captain Hook

-Any time a wire breaks

-Any time Allison Williams’ lips look tired from maintaining a British accent

-Any time you wonder, “Did they do that on purpose?”

Please drink, sing and dance responsibly. To a night soon forgotten.

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