The Worst Movie in History: A Quick Rant

I love bad movies.* Like love them. I hate even to use the term “bad movies” because it is tbh, personally offensive. “Starring Nic Cage” are the three greatest words in the english language. If you don’t agree, you deserve to be attacked by bees and burned alive. If you haven’t seen Vampire’s Kiss, stop reading this stupid blog and watch it freaking immediately. 

while I suggest you watch the whole movie and not just this clip, I needed to put something happy in this post ’cause I’m about to get rull mad

Why am I not doing a post on my favorite of these movies? Maybe I should (I will), but I don’t want to seem like I’m ripping off my own personal bibleHow Did This Get Made? Plus, that would probably devolve into a whole post about my undying love for my future baby daddy Jason Mantzoukas,** and I’m not ready for him to take out a restraining order.

So first, I’m here to talk to you about something very important. It’s the thing that I am perhaps most passionate about…more than any political or social issue, more than Nic Cage movies or my belief that Biz Markie is the closest thing we’ve had to the next Barbra Streisandeven more than my belief that Giada De Laurentiis is human colonoscopy prep***….maybe even more than my love for Zouks. I’m talking about the fact that Sweet Home Alabama is a terrible, horrible movie. More like ‘Not-So-Sweet Home Alabama’ *slam* This is a different kind of movie than the ones I was talking about before. There are no words to describe it. It literally enrages me. I am shaking writing this.

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This is waaaaay too high of a score. And 78% audience score!!! For shame, America….for shame

Loyal criers know that my only other movie review was a retraction of a previous slamming. But I assure you, I will not change my mind on this one.

Look, I’m not saying this movie was poorly made or acted. Everyone is doing a fine job…I guess. What I am talking about, is the fact that we’re all pretending that this is a charming Reese Witherspoon romcom when in fact, it is a movie about a fucking sociopath. (….like borderline Giada level)

somehow, more likable than anything she does in this movie

Okay, let me give credit where credit is due. Reese (her character….I refuse to call her Melanie Smooter because it’s a stupid name but if anyone ever deserved the last name Smooter, it’s this character) is #SocialClimberGoals. I mean, she seems to be putting on her first fashion show, and she’s not only the hottest thing in fashion, but she is in a high profile romance with the mayor of New York’s son. And just in case all you gold diggers out there, or confirmed loyal crying readers Scott Disick and Meghan Markle, are thinking pshaaaaa, big whoop, let’s remember that the mayor’s son is freaking McDreamy. Brava, Reese. Plus, let’s be real, (spoiler alert) she really only ends up choosing the other guy after she finds out he became successful (as a glassmaker/storm chaser?). If it were a story about her conniving rise to the top, I could be on board. But I’m not okay with us being told to accept this bitch as the second coming of [insert Meg Ryan/Julia Roberts character here].

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there’s a joke here…

Instead of Reese, we are expected to believe that Candice Bergen is the villain. Okay, fine….she’s not the most moral character, but she is definitely not the least.

So she sends her dude to go spy on Reese down in ‘bama and get dirt on her? So what? SHE HAD EVERY RIGHT TO BE SUSPICIOUS! REESE WAS LYING ABOUT EVERYTHING. You can’t just change your name (okay, if my name were Smooter, I’d probably change it to Carmichael too) and be like okay all better now…ahem…Lana Del Rey (ok, she can). Did she even legally change it? Because if so, then there should be a record somewhere. If not, is she carrying around a fake id? You are the mayor of New York City…she isn’t a Soviet Spy† or in the witness protection program…it shouldn’t be that hard to find out who she is! And it’s not like she just rebranded…she’s straight up pinocchio-ing in magazine interviews. She was on the cover of W spewing lies like she’s Brian freaking Williams. Not only is that not chill from a publicity standpoint for public figures like Mayor Murphy Brown and her son McSecretary of Housing (Secretary McDreamy?), but isn’t she just being a good mother? What kind of relationship could they have? Did Reese spend the first few dates telling made up stories to McSecretary?

For all you luddites saying that we’ve become too dependent on technology and social media, I say that if the internet were as ubiquitous in 2002 as it is today, Reese never would have gotten away with this and this whole movie would have never happened. You know what? If this is the kind of girl we, as a society, root for, we deserve to be enslaved by the machines. In fact, I’m pretty sure Sweet Home Alabama direct prequel to Maximum Overdrive.


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the only Alabamian I can get behind

Okay, next point. You may think “sociopath” is an extreme label to slap on Reese’s forehead (don’t even get me started on her haircut), but I have the evidence to back my shit up. I’ve seen enough SVU and Criminal Minds to know that the 3 things in youth they say are signs of a future sociopath/murder are fire-setting, cruelty to animals, and bed-wetting. Um…helloooo… Reese literally blows up a bank by tying dynamite to a cat’s tail. I don’t care about the justification they give, that is 2 out of 3 markers right there.

Not sold on the evil sociopath theory yet? WHAT ABOUT WHEN SHE STRAIGHT UP OUTS A DUDE??!!! You can’t just go around outing people that are in the closet. [note to self: before publishing, come up with Ethan Embry joke along lines of Can’t Hardly Wait to come out] But we’re just supposed to be like whoopsie-daisies?

A few thoughts before we get to the problematic ending:

Bitch, you dumb: If you wanted to keep your engagement a secret, why in God’s name would you wear your engagement ring on that finger on a red carpet? And turning it around doesn’t do much…in fact it just looks like a wedding band since it’s the finger that’s important, not the ring. You had the good sense not to wear it into the husband’s house….even though we literally just saw that the engagement was on the front page of every paper!

And what, you expected the dog to just like live forever? You’ve been gone for 7 years…that’s like 49 years to him! And then later you’re gonna act all sad about the dead dog, but when you think Bear is alive, you’re not even happy to see him…you yell at him to shut up! And what kind of monster sees another dog and thinks it’s their own? This is the kind of bitch who picks up the wrong kid from daycare and doesn’t realize it until there’s a fucking amber alert out on the shorty she ‘napped.

Ooooh, I am not done yet. Okay you think you’re all great and classy and better than everyone else. But like, it’s no one’s fault but your own if your designs look like Jaclyn Smith’s Kmart collection. Yeah, $30 is hella expensive for that piece of crap.

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Mugatu’s assistant was Reese’s fashion designer mentor in this, so maybe Zoolander is a prequel to this and Maximum Overdrive?

Okay, let’s get to the whole ending. First of all, before we even get to the wedding, she kisses Josh Lucas, which helloooo is cheating on McJFK. But whatever. So, question is, who are you rooting for Reese to end up with? The answer should be “the Devil, in hell,” but let’s for one minute make the concession that Reese is the hero of this movie. Not that glassblower hubby proves to be a particularly bad guy, but hellooooo McDreamy!!! Even after it turns out that he is in a relationship built on lies with a white trash sociopath, he still wants to marry her! Okay, minute over. I don’t care who Reese ends up with, but WTF has Patrick Dempsey done wrong that he deserves to get left at the altar?†† I mean, he is such a good guy that she destroys him in front of everyone they know and he just kisses her hand and walks away. Reese…you think you can do better than this guy? Are you freaking kidding me?

And now for the most infuriating moment of this horror movie: Reese punches out Murphy Brown. And what? The audience is supposed to stand up and cheer with all the southern folk? Candice Bergen 100% got on board with the wedding once everything was out in the open. Sure, when she helps plan the wedding she forgets to check the weather, but come on, she’s the freaking mayor…she’s busy. In fact, she pays for the whole thing. I mean, technically, we only know that her son offers to pay, but even if it is “his” money, where do you think it really came from? I hope Reese had that lawyer she was using for her divorce on retainer, because if there is any justice in the world, she will be facing an assault charge soon.

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Reese and McDreamy’s wedding ended worse than any Game of Thrones wedding

I lied…next comes the most egregious thing: Reese tells everyone “if you’re friends of the bride stick around. I’m going to go find me a groom!” They then take the cake (and god knows what else) that the basically-Kennedys paid for and have a party to celebrate her getting back together with the other dude. Seriously?!! Seriously? I can’t even talk about this anymore….I think I’m about to have a stroke.

*Omg I can’t even describe how excited I am for The Disaster Artist

**If you know me, you know how not kidding I am. Seriously, if anyone can hook it up with Zouks for me, I would do anything. I’d even watch Sweet Home Alabama on a loop for a week. Seriously. He walked past me at the Paramount lot and I literally started crying. Marc Maron recently had him on WTF and I literally could not finish it because I was having too many feelings–I had to do it over multiple sittings.

***YAAAAAS QUEEN NICOLE KIDMAN! You are a national hero. I haven’t been this proud to be named Nicole since The Simple Life was on.

†Ooooh…I might be into that movie!

††Okay, I guess he does get a happy ending in that he doesn’t have to spend any more time with this she monster, but that’s the only concession I’m going to make.

Note: I called this a “quick” rant because I majorly shortened my usual diatribe. I’m telling you this could have been an entire Lord of the Rings length tirade.

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A Love Letter to Gwyneth Paltrow: there’s a fine line between love and hate

It’s hard to define Crying in Ubers. Maybe you consider it a comedy blog, maybe you think it’s just some psycho rambling every like 6 months or whatever, but most likely do you don’t even think of it at all. Well, I’d like to think of it as a lifestyle website. So why not mark my triumphant return (sorry I’ve been MIA but literally anxiety stops me from posting literally every time I consider opening my laptop) than with an ode to THE Lifestyle Guru of our generation. No, not Martha, although she was beyooooond hilarious at the Justin Bieber Roast. No, not Oprah. I’m talking Goopy herself, Miss Gwyneth Paltrow.

Look, I get it. It’s a fine line between love and hate. A few months ago I could go on a rant about her on the spot, never mind being unable to suppress an eye roll at every talk show appearance and pull quote posted all over the internet. I was right there with y’all buying a ticket to see Contagion just to watch her die. But now I’m Team Goop all the way.*

Sure, she seems pretentious and unlikable and completely ungrounded in reality. And that fuels the haters. But one morning I woke up and realized, that’s exactly what makes her so great. Don’t we all aspire to be so rich and fabulous and cultured that we can look down on literally all of America? Well, I do. So I’m appointing her my official (and therefore this site’s) life coach.

Why is she officially America’s most hated celeb? I mean she’s bffs with Jay Z and Beyoncè…that used to be enough to give anyone street cred. And don’t stone me here but is she really that different from the CHOSEN couple? Bey poured a bottle of Ace of Spades into a hot tub, and even if it wasn’t really full of champagne, is that really any worse than endorsing a $5,000 juicer or a hangover cure that involves racing between a hot bath and freezing shower?

She can’t connect with “regular” people

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I remember a lot of the hating starting when she released her cookbook, My father’s daughter. People were enraged that her recipes called for a wogwynnod burning pizza oven. Even she admitted it was a luxury. And I’m sorry you know when you’re buying a book by Gwyneth Paltrow it’s not Sonja’s microwave cookbook. Like take a fucking chill pill America. Yeah, it does sound like a great investment. And if I ate carbs fuck yes i’d get one too. She fucking owns who she is. If you’re going on Goop, don’t expect to find best buys from Old Navy. That’s not what Goop is. And that’s not what it’s pretending to be. People freaked out because it cost a little over $100K to buy everything on the Goop 2014 Gift Guide. If you look at a gift guide and buy everything then it’s you’re own business buddy. Maybe that’s the upside to having no friends like me, I don’t have to buy all those gifts. Whatever fuck the haters she has great suggestions. Honestly, it would be a crime to not reccommend the Hermès Avalon Blanket when you have the platform to do so. Because as Gwen says, If only we could buy these in bulk. She can’t pretend to be poor but she tries to understand the plight. She took the food stamp challenge. I mean she failed, but she lasted 4 days. Yet, where’s her award and praise? NO FUCKING WHERE. How dare you people not recognize her acheivement.

Food snobbery in general

Goopy once told my current boss, “I would rather die than let my kids eat Cup-a-Soup.” So fine she’s a drama queen. She’s an actress! But it’s not like my mom let me eat it. Honestly until this very moment I had no idea what it was. I thought she was talking about like Top Ramen. After seeing what it really is I don’t think we can really fault her. More recently, Queen G got a collective side-eye from everyone for this fun lil tidbit: “I would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.” Once again, I have absolutely no idea what cheese from a tin is. It sounds disgusting. But I’m not sure I’m ready to give her a complete pass here. Crack? Really? Crack? I get that she’s trying to go as lowbrow as possible here but as much as I love a good exaggeration I think crack is just too far. Come on, Gwyny….couldn’t you have just switched out one letter and said crank? Crystal Meth is just as disgusting and povo. I mean, in the immortal words of Whitney Houston: “Crack is cheap. [You] make too much money to ever smoke crack. Crack is whack!” I get that it’s a subtle nod to it but come on, even in hyperbole you can’t stoop that low Gwyneth. Say that you’d rather smoke crystal. And not any of that primo Walter White blue shit. I mean if you had said I’d rather smoke bottom barrel crystal than eat cheese from a tin, I’d be with you girl but you didn’t and I’ll always have Whitney’s words ringing in my ears.

Vagina Steams

Look, Shailene Woodley told everyone to sun their bag’s and it was the stupidest thing ever. No way no chance I’ll ever be team Shay. But if Gwyneth wants to pay $200 for a vag steam I say you go girl. I don’t care how many doctors are saying it’s BS, I’m all for it. You go naked into a steam room, it’s basically the same deal. And not to get too far into this reporter’s personal life but gosh be darned if a friend and I didn’t let keep our legs tightly crossed in the steam room at the Beverly Wilshire a couple weeks ago.

Workout Routines

Why are people getting their panties in a bunch over how much Gwyneth spends on Tracy Anderson. I’m not gonna get on any high horse spending $30 for less than an hour of Soul Cycle. It takes a lot of work to be the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So I say you go girl. You fucking go.

Conscious Uncoupling

Look, she came up with a term and people called pretentious. I call it a headline for a lifestyle magazine. Cosmo has had way worse euphemisms. Plus it provided ammo for the most wonderful, delicious, and passive aggressive lifestyle guru feud of all time. Jailbird Cake anyone? Now let’s talk post uncoupling. Chris Martin went straight from America’s most hated to most loved, Jennifer LawrenceSome say overcorrection. But what if that’s not the case? What if they’re just way more alike than we think? Maybe I’m praising Gwen, maybe I’m demonizing Jen, but regardless it’s a real thinker.

 

Look, I know Gwyny thinks it’s sexist to compare her to Blake Lively and Reese Witherspoon, but Preserve.us and whatever the hell Reese is calling her site ain’t got nothing on GOOP. Crying in Ubers? Well, we’ll just have to find out won’t we?

Take the quiz: How Gwyneth Paltrow are you? I’m only a little bit of Gwyneth but I’m working on it. Let me know what you scored. The higher the better, because Goopy is God.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/bricesander/id-rather-smoke-crack-than-eat-cheese-from-a-tin?utm_term=.xybv9Zmad

*A note on the line between love and hate: Is it just me, a previously hardcore devoted Hathahater (despite wanting to like her so badly due to our alleged physical resemblance), but did Anne Hathaway come off as likable when she slayed on Lip Sync Battle?