Shit, I fell in love

About a month ago, I fell in love. Head over heels in love. With a pair of shoes. Now normally, I would have clarified “no pun intended” after the head over heels comment, as well as after the title of the post (you’ll see why in a sec), but since finding my soulmate in a pair of shoes is so very Carrie Bradshaw, I might as well embrace her in all her punny greatness.

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Del Toro #TheShit Loafer via ModaOperandi.com (not currently available)

Yup, that’s them. That pair of shoes completely stole my heart. Designers Edie Parker and Del Toro collaborated on an entire M’OTICONS collection of loafers and clutches. Sure I loved the see no evil, hear no evil monkeys, and that heart-eyed cats were near perfect, but something just clicked inside me when I saw those adorable poops staring up at me from a pretty dusty blue slipper. Love at first sight is real guys, it happened to me. And I didn’t even realize til later they were actually named #TheShit. I don’t know if it was the quirkiness or maybe the cuteness I had never notices on my tiny iPhone screen. Maybe there was a feeling of rebellion in spending $340 on a pair of glorified slippers with literally piles of crap on them.

But when you know, you know, and I knew. I wasn’t about to let true love slip between my fingertips. I didn’t want to be some old lady on her deathbed, looking back at her life and the one that got away. Preorder seems so long ago, but I guess minutes feel like hours and days feel like weeks when you’re waiting for the one you love. Like Billy Crystal said in When Harry Met Sallywhen you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

They still haven’t arrived. It’s like I’m standing at the top of the Empire State Building waiting for them to come prove they love me to, but as each minute goes by, time starts feeling longer and I become less certain that I’ll ever see my loves again.

And while I am completely devoted to my one true love, that doesn’t mean I can’t look right? So let’s talk loafers (or smoking slippers, or whatever you want to call them). Raise your hand if you have a pair with a skull, or that looks like a dog or cat or mouse…..everyone raised their hand, right? If you didn’t, go check out Alexander McQueen, Charlotte Olympia, and Marc by Marc Jacobs. But heres the thing, there are s many edgier styles out there…let’s explore!

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Left:  Stubbs & Wootton College via StubbsandWootton.com

Right: Del Toro x Disney Pinocchio Embroidered Limited Edition Collaboration Slipper via DelToroShoes.com

I’ve wanted the “screw you” Stubbs for a while now. I think they’re fun because they’re edgy without being outright crude. Guys, I’m having a realization that maybe my dirty mouth is so out of control I want my shoes to scream obscenities as well…. oof. Oh well, another intervention for another time. The Pinocchio ones, on the other hand, are pretty darn innocent (oh get your mind out of the gutter, yes, you!), but still there is something very cool to them. They’re whimsical yet dark…. just like a smiling poop emoji! Anyway, there are tons more ranging from the expensive at Stubbs & Wootton and Del Toro to the much more affordable at Asos.com. Happy hunting! I’ll just be here, waiting for my true love to come!

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Sex Toys and Aliens: A Childhood Classic Ruined Forever

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To all my ladies out there who spend their nights fantasizing about getting it on with E.T., now you can finally take your fetish to the next level with this $900.00 “Erotic Plushie” E.T. sex toy!…. What? No takers? Huh. I don’t even know where to begin. I just have so many questions!

First and probably most importantly, WHY? I had an E.T. doll when I was younger, and even as a huge fan, it creeped the shit out of me. There is no part of me that is looking at this freestanding 22-inch tall doll and thinking hmmm I should light some candles and turn on some Marvin Gaye right now. E.T.’s face was literally modeled after Carl Sandburg, Albert Einstein, and a pug…let’s not even discuss the full-body shot, I’ll just say it’s the stuff nightmares are made of. I have a friend who was so scared of E.T. he couldn’t even go on the Universal Studios ride without crying. Although, to the shop owner’s credit, she really sells the appeal in her description of the item “You’ve grown up and so has E.T.! This alien visitor has personality and sass. His blue eyes are shockingly memorizing and his presence is undeniably realistic.” I’m not sure if she’s talking about the sex doll or the movie character, but either way I’m into sassy and mesmerizing (which is what I’m guessing she meant to say) blue eyes.

Next question: HOW? Like what are the logistics? I’ll admit that I am not particularly well-versed in erotic toys other than what I’ve picked up from TBS reruns of Sex And The City, but even if you were super in to the whole E.T. thing, this just doesn’t seem practical to me. I don’t know, I must have missed the episode of SATC where Samantha banged an ALF puppet. In case you were wondering what separates this from just any creepy alien plush, there is a vibrator in the tip of his finger. “E.T. phone home” may be AFI’s 15th best movie quote ever, but with this doll it’s more like “E.T. phone orgasm.” Oo0h… plus he’s “double stuffed for your pleasure.” Pretty sure there’s a joke here about him something-ing your Reese’s Pieces, but I can’t figure it out so let’s just move on to my next question…

HOW MUCH? Again, I am not an expert on vibrators, but I do know a thing or two about dolls and Universal movie merch, and I’m pretty sure $900 is a little steep for this. Still, the seller says it’s a great gift, which even putting price aside might be questionable. Maybe I just don’t have any friends close enough to drop a grand on a nostalgic 80’s pop culture inspired sex toy for me.

I guess my next and final question has to be, Will someone loan me $900 please?

UPDATE: In the less than 24 hours between writing this entry and posting it online, the item is no longer available. Which is extremely upsetting. I guess someone bought it? It wasn’t me, but if anyone knows the person who did, please give them my contact info, I would like to talk to them very much.

Photo taken from etsy.com