Keeping Up With Jesus

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Ahh Easter, my favorite holiday. Yes, in the past 5 years, this jew has been to church on Easter 4 times, and temple…well let’s just say not that many times. And while I had to miss out on my baskets of candy and toys this year, the Easter Bunny did bring a present in the form of another edition of The Kardashians Doing Nothing Is News! Yes the Kardashian-Jenner-West-I don’t give a fuck outing to church is plastered all over the internet, and it’s all about the fashion. Duh 

While the range is clearly Klassic and Appropriate Kourtney to Kompletely Inappropriate Kendall, let’s start with some middle ground.

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The Kardashian-Wests. For someone who’s lately completely naked, completely covered, or some weird combination of the two, Kimmy seems very appropriate. I don’t know what the policy on shoulders is in non-Catholic church but regardless…. well done Kim. Kanye…..is Kanye even allowed in a church? I mean, Yeezus (I know he semi-explained that one), I Am A God, plus this little cover? Isn’t the second commandment all about having no other Gods and not worshipping false idols? I’m just saying, like everyone steals and cheats and disobeys their parents sometimes, but those are pretty big ones to fuck with. Yeezus’ ripped t-shirt and jeans seem a little inappropriate but look what else he’s getting away with….if I were him I wouldn’t be respectful towards God either. As for North, it seems like her dress is not as crisp a white as Mommy and Daddy’s outfits and I have to say I really expected better.

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Before I get to Miss Kendall, let’s just see if there’s anything else we need to discuss. Kourt clearly didn’t care about the white memo and I love it. She looks wonderful. And thankfully they didn’t drag resident Jew Scott to church, although it really is a shame because I’d have loved to see him in a nice seersucker suit. Kris looks unusually appropriate. And I don’t even know where all these other men are coming from but apparently one is Kris’ bf and one is Kylie‘s even though they’re about the same age. (Yes, the one with the kid is 17 year-old Kylie’s man). Khloe‘s outfit is wayyyy to tight, which given the amount of weight she’s lost recently means she went out and got a whole new wardrobe that’s 2 sizes too small for her at her thinnest.

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Kendall Kendall Kendall.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this outfit. Like love. It’s everything. The problem is not the wear it’s the where. I know as a model she has a responsibility to be fashion forward but there’s a more appropriate way. This isn’t just midriff, there’s belly button showing! I mean if Taylor Swift wouldn’t wear it, it’s probably not church appropriate. And while anywhere else I’d see that as a chic halter, on the holiest day of the year I see it as a boob strap. Come on you can do better! You would have been better off with a Jesus is my Homeboy T-shirt. I was going to do a list of the only 5 things less appropriate than Kendall’s outfit or 5 things surprisingly more appropriate for Easter services than Kendall’s outfit but that seems like a lot of work to make fun of an outfit I really like. But as a wise man* once said, You don’t respect my religion? I don’t respect your outfit.

 

*Scott Disick

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We Need To Talk/It’s Not You, It’s Me: Music To My Ears

I can assume most girls reading this are looking for that special guy (or girl) to live happily ever after with. Not me. I just really want someone to break up with me. Of course first I need to snatch myself a beau (which is going to be the biggest struggle), but then I can’t wait to get dumped (which will, let’s face it, not be too hard). And I guess this is the moment that happens when you read every one of my blog posts where you have to ask yourself “WTF is wrong with this bitch?”

It may be a weird thing to want to have happen to you, but I do have my reasoning. Firstly, I have never been really, truly dumped. That isn’t to say I haven’t had my heart broken (or maybe something less dramatic), but I’ve never had a proper boyfriend. Well, I guess not entirely true….The last boyfriend I had was in eighth grade, and he did break up with me….on Valentine’s Day……because “his dog died.”* And despite spending my entire lunch period sobbing and stuffing my face with candy hearts (which I only continued eating after the first one to mask the nasty after taste), pretty sure I got over it by like February 15th.

But, the problem is, music is big for me. (rough transition I know, but just bear with me here) Like emotionally. And I really like breakup songs, even when I’m happy, but especially when I’m sad. And yeah, I can spend the night tucked a way in bed (or in an uber) with a bottle of wine belting my heart out to Adele through tears and tears, but I feel like unless you’ve recently gone from girlfriend to ex it’s not really as culturally accepted. It’s not that I want to be sad, I just want to have some reason to let myself go in the music. Plus, I want to be able to really relate to the lyrics and let them resonate. Shall we explore a few of my favorite tunes?

You Oughta Know- Alanis Morissette

Ahhhhh Alanis. So clearly, we’re starting with the aggressive and the explicit. I of course do not expect to relate to all the specifics in her lyrics: like sorry I’m certainly not going to be the one “going down on you in a theater,” if for at least no other reason than hello….I don’t want to miss any of the movie! I’ll let her give the blowies at Century City, but she’s going to regret having not paid attention to Paul Blart Mall Cop 2,** but I refuse to miss a minute of Kevin James riding around on a Segway attempting to catch his breath mid-“high speed” chase. I mean, I’m also not willing to stop biting my nails just so that they’re long enough to hurt you assuming I move on to a human voodoo doll. But like, yeah, I totally feel you in that chorus Alanis. Like no one’s ever told me they’d love me until they died, but like even if a guy just says hi to me I’m like does she know you told me hi?!! Like how could you be with another girl just one month after showing me basic human decency?!!! Although, I don’t know if I’d get this worked up about Uncle Joey, like unless I was just pissed that it meant I couldn’t hang out on the Full House set and ogle John Stamos.

 Before He Cheats- Carrie Underwood

Okay, so I think it should be clear this has to be like a bad breakup for this to work. I don’t have to be cheated on necessarily, but it would definitely help with a lot of these songs, specifically this one, obvs. Interesting, Carrie accuses the other woman of being a trashy whore while Alanis was basically taunting her ex that his new chick wasn’t whorey enough. Look, if someone cheated on me, I’d probably resort to cyber bullying before busting up their car. What’s going to hurt more? Having to call AAA or me commenting on an instagram without liking it? But that’s not to say I don’t sympathize with the destruction of property. One time I decided I was gonna key someone’s car but it’s too hard to find the right black BMW*** in an LA parking lot so I gave up after like 30 seconds. I don’t know if I’d have access to a baseball bat and I don’t know how much damage my brother’s tennis racket that’s in my car could do, but I do know that my brother would do way worse to me if I wrecked his Babolat. But despite all that, I can definitely get behind the message of this song.

You’re So Vain- Carly Simon

I’d just like to point out that Dax Shepard recently tweeted, “Whether or not he was vain is debatable, but the song was, in fact, about him” and I think we all need to acknowledge the truthfulness of that. Well, right off the bat, I don’t know and never will know how one looks “walking on to a yacht” because I get violently seasick and can’t even look at a boat. Carly continues to sing,”your hat strategically dipped below one eye, your scarf it was apricot” — I’m sorry, but is she singing about Warren Beatty or Lucas Grabeel‘s character in High School Musical? But once I get past all that and change “I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee” to I had some dreams they were clouds in my Oprah Chai Tea and I’m ready to sing along with Carly and Mick about the boy who knowing my taste will most certainly be so vain.

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum

“It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now”? I mean, I can’t relate to a song as much as I can relate to that. I guess there aren’t really explicit references to a defined relationship, but I think we can assume she (is Lady Antebellum a person like Lady Gaga or Lady Edith from Downton Abbey or a band?) is about to drunk call an ex-boyfriend. I also like that it leave room for interpretation…does she want to call him? Snapchat him? Maybe she’s gonna send him a message on Tinder…

Basically Any Taylor Swift Song

Taylor Swift knows what I’m talking about when I say I want to get broken up with. The only difference is she gets dumped by celebs and uses it to become one of the biggest stars in the world and I want to use it to really feel my playlist as I speed down Sunset. Anyway, thank you Tay Tay for giving us the best mid-song spoken dialogue since Britney Spears taught us that there was more historical accuracy to Titanic than just the boat sinking.† Side Note: Speaking of Titanic, I’m not including My Heart Will Go On because let’s be real it’s just too sad. Also, my dad once made fun of me with it with this really gross boy when we were on like a catamaran or raft or something so I’m pissed and scarred by that too. But seriously, nothing is more me than “Ughhhh” and “I just….I mean this is exhausting.” Unfortunately the spoken part of I Knew You Were Trouble was less successful, but the rest is so solid, I’ll forgive you, girl.

Same goes for Adele

The difference between Taylor and Adele is that I really feel for Adele…like she really got her fucking heart broken. Nothing against dating a new celeb every week (okay maybe something), but I don’t think Taylor has ever felt what Adele has. If I ever get to meet Adele, I am just giving her one giant hug and never letting go. I can’t even go into details on her songs because they’re all so freaking good!! I just want to mention that I think Bruno Mars is basically the male Adele I just want them to find each other and also I would have included the amazingness that is Grenade but I didn’t want to bore you with so many songs.

You Were Meant For Me- Jewel

I’m kind of obsessed with this song and it really hit me when Cliff had it on repeat after Mindy dumped him. However, it’s like if this guy is not accepting of me being a slob it was clearly not meant to be and you can sure as hell bet once we broke up I wouldn’t give a shit that I was leaving wet towels on the floor or the cap off the toothpaste or the lights on. Like who does this guy think he is…my dad?

There are of course plenty more, some about breakups, some about makeups, (as I said I didn’t get into My Heart Will Go On or I Will Always Love You, which coincidentally, I have cried to in an uber before, and I omitted another personal favorite, I Will Survive, because I figured you guys were getting bored of reading my shit) and some songs that I want to shout no matter what my mood (read: Livin On A Prayer). But I guess until I get my wish, I’ll just be crying in ubers and inappropriately singing about an exes that aren’t even real exes.

*As awful as the whole thing sounds, I don’t think he really meant that the dog was why he was breaking up with me, just that it was a factor in him having like a rough week or something? Also, why would he have not told his own girlfriend that his dog died? Or did it die that morning? I also really really hope you’re not reading this Jon because I would hate to make you relive that (no sarcasm, dead serious….FUCK NO PUN INTENDED!) And lastly just an FYI we’ve totally made up (not like got back together, but gotten past the fact he broke up with me on Valentine’s Day and how he did it)

**Due out in April 2015!!!!

***Color and make/model have been changed to protect the people involved

†SPOILER ALERT!!! whoops, sorry….. but also maybe that it took place in space?

Personal Ad: Psycho seeking BFF (Working out my issues through an extensive exploration of I Love You, Man)

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There are a few times in life when you make a new batch of friends. When you’re a toddler, your parents decide your friends for you and unless you encounter a violent hair-pulling bitch or god-forbid a kid who doesn’t know how to share, everyone is pretty happy hanging with everyone else. It’s like, “You like sitting around drooling and sucking your thumb and playing with Barbies? No way! Me too? Hashtag Besties.

tumblr_mlbq5p1rzo1s0q2xro1_500When you start school, you kind of just become friends with kids in your class who are right there and everyone’s looking for friends so it’s not too difficult. Plus, mom’s still arranging playdates. You have to invite every kid in the class to your birthday party because like inclusion, duh. Same goes with Valentine’s Day cards. I mean, it was stressful enough choosing between Hello Kitty or Power Rangers or assorted animals, and then picking which specific card to give to each person (no mom I can’t give Jake “Bee Mine” I’ll have to give him the one that just says “Happy Valentine’s Day” or he’ll think I like like him!), I don’t think I could have dealt with choosing who to give cards to at all! (this is not Facebook birthday politics, after all) And as you get older in school, you still are kind of presented with a small pool to choose friends from, whether at school or extracurricular activities, or whatever.

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The next big one is college. It’s like it was before except with so many more people and you are basically starting over completely. I assume most people start with their roommates and hallmates and expand into meeting people in classes and once they start clubs/frats and sororities. All you do is bond over a Natty Light. With parties and all, the alcohol really helps. My hall was just really close and we all became friends. The rest of my friends basically came from friends of friends of friends of my hall. But freshman year is easy…everyone is looking for friends, and then as college goes on you just expand the web. You really could play six degrees with all my hall mates to find every single one of my friends.*

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Post-graduation really depends on where you move. You stay in touch with your college friends who are local and reconnect with any high school pals nearby. Then you make friends at work. Once you’re in a serious relationship your friend count doubles as you adopt your S.O.’s as your own and once you have kids you become friends with their friends’ parents. By the time you’re all old and wrinkly it’s the same as when you were a baby: “You like sitting around drooling and sucking your thumb?” but instead of playing with Barbies it’s shuffleboard, “pound sign on a rotary phone Besties!”franco

Okay, so here’s my dilemma, all my friends graduated and I’m back at school but none of the other juniors and seniors are looking to make new friends, so what do I do? I have to be all bubbly and friendly and put myself out there? Ugh, because if it wasn’t clear I hate people. Basically I’m Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man. I can only hope to find someone as great as Jason Segel‘s Sydney, so let’s see how Peter (Rudd) got there.

Lindsay-Lohan-I-have-Class-and-you-dontFencing

Well we know that none of Peter’s fencing buddies liked him, but even if they did I don’t think I’d bite. I was actually obsessed with fencing after Parent Trap and even had a fencing birthday party. I then tried to actually take up fencing in middle school but the masks smelled disgusting (as did my coache’s breath, if I recall). It’s debatable whether it worked for Halle and Annie in Parent Trap, but I think that could of also just been Lindsay Lohan getting to live every narcissist’s dream and being bffs with herself.

tumblr_loehb9wELi1qedmglo1_500Set Ups

Well the ‘man date’ set up by Peter’s mom turned out to be a real date, and I’m for sure too much of a mess for anyone to want to be set up on a date date with me. Getting set up by his brother didn’t end up working for Peter but that’s ultimately irrelevant in my pursuit because my brother is probably way to cool to want to introduce me to any of his friends, see previous mention of being a mess or literally any previous post for proof I’m a weirdo/psycho. It’s okay, I’m kind of trying to make friends with his friends behind his back. This is (not) awesome! This is (not) awesome! And finally, Peter is set up with a group of guys through his fiancé but like if I haven’t made it clear theres obviously no way I could have a S.O. Also wouldn’t turn out the same because I choose The Rolling Stones over The Beatles, am semi-competent regarding the hands in poker, and can hold my liquor way better than Peter. Now watch me projectile vomit the second I do meet friends. (at least it would be v Mischa Barton of me)

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Read: Tinder. I mean, is there really a way to meet people online platonically? And even if there was, would I go for it? No. I mean the old guy Peter meets is so cute and it’s all very sweet but like first of all it just goes to show everyone’s lying: “that picture is from a few years back.” I mean only like old people put up insanely outdated pictures because if I put up a picture from 15 years ago I’d probably need to report the person who wants to meet up with the girl in the overalls and pigtails. Although I might not be exactly surprised given my baby prostitute days:

niPlease don’t report me to SVU for kiddie porn guys

Anyway, getting a bit off topic here and will write more on online dating later, but point is this ain’t gonna work for me.

tumblr_m2c4m1n1eH1qjv7jjo1_500Success at An Open House at The Hulk’s

Unless Mark Ruffalo (or really even Edward Norton) has a place in Philly they not only want to sell, but are also willing to entrust the sale trust a non-realtor 21 year old girl, I won’t be able to recreate the exact circumstances of this friend on friend meet-cute. Maybe I could hit up an open house and be the Jason Segel character, but I’m worried no one else will find my theories on flatulence as endearing as they really should. And even if I did meet someone, how to I bond the way Peter and Sidney did? Who’s my Rush? You think someone will slappa da base with me to Bon Jovi? Or repeatedly to that new Taylor Swift song (but not her other songs**) or the old Jewel song I’m currently obsessed with? Will my Sidney (I’d even settle for a Hank Mardukas) be as forgiving when I call them City Slicker or Joben, because I most certainly will. And most importantly, will they forgive my psycho-ness when I inevitably end up crying in an uber?

amytinHonestly, I just don’t know. Meeting people is just like ugh the worst. I really just want to meet people who hate everyone as much as I do. So, set me up if you want to, and if by any chance any Philadelphians who don’t know me are reading this don’t judge me if I give in and start being friendly. And well, in the mean time, I’ll just be spending most night with my best friend Don. Don Julio.

 

* Except my best friend Sunny. As her name would suggest she is the opposite of me and did exactly what I complained about not wanting to do in this post. We were sitting next to each other in a lecture hall listening to someone speak during a visiting day at Penn Junior year of high school and she literally just turned to me and said “Hi! I’m Sunny!” Here’s a pic of us being in love years later:

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**Ugh okay I hate to admit it but also maybe We Are Never Ever Getting Back TogetherI Knew You Were Trouble, and 22

Ed note: Moments before publishing I was sitting in my American Political Thought class and noticed how fucking old I am compared to everyone else. This is going to suck.