We Need To Talk/It’s Not You, It’s Me: Music To My Ears

I can assume most girls reading this are looking for that special guy (or girl) to live happily ever after with. Not me. I just really want someone to break up with me. Of course first I need to snatch myself a beau (which is going to be the biggest struggle), but then I can’t wait to get dumped (which will, let’s face it, not be too hard). And I guess this is the moment that happens when you read every one of my blog posts where you have to ask yourself “WTF is wrong with this bitch?”

It may be a weird thing to want to have happen to you, but I do have my reasoning. Firstly, I have never been really, truly dumped. That isn’t to say I haven’t had my heart broken (or maybe something less dramatic), but I’ve never had a proper boyfriend. Well, I guess not entirely true….The last boyfriend I had was in eighth grade, and he did break up with me….on Valentine’s Day……because “his dog died.”* And despite spending my entire lunch period sobbing and stuffing my face with candy hearts (which I only continued eating after the first one to mask the nasty after taste), pretty sure I got over it by like February 15th.

But, the problem is, music is big for me. (rough transition I know, but just bear with me here) Like emotionally. And I really like breakup songs, even when I’m happy, but especially when I’m sad. And yeah, I can spend the night tucked a way in bed (or in an uber) with a bottle of wine belting my heart out to Adele through tears and tears, but I feel like unless you’ve recently gone from girlfriend to ex it’s not really as culturally accepted. It’s not that I want to be sad, I just want to have some reason to let myself go in the music. Plus, I want to be able to really relate to the lyrics and let them resonate. Shall we explore a few of my favorite tunes?

You Oughta Know- Alanis Morissette

Ahhhhh Alanis. So clearly, we’re starting with the aggressive and the explicit. I of course do not expect to relate to all the specifics in her lyrics: like sorry I’m certainly not going to be the one “going down on you in a theater,” if for at least no other reason than hello….I don’t want to miss any of the movie! I’ll let her give the blowies at Century City, but she’s going to regret having not paid attention to Paul Blart Mall Cop 2,** but I refuse to miss a minute of Kevin James riding around on a Segway attempting to catch his breath mid-“high speed” chase. I mean, I’m also not willing to stop biting my nails just so that they’re long enough to hurt you assuming I move on to a human voodoo doll. But like, yeah, I totally feel you in that chorus Alanis. Like no one’s ever told me they’d love me until they died, but like even if a guy just says hi to me I’m like does she know you told me hi?!! Like how could you be with another girl just one month after showing me basic human decency?!!! Although, I don’t know if I’d get this worked up about Uncle Joey, like unless I was just pissed that it meant I couldn’t hang out on the Full House set and ogle John Stamos.

 Before He Cheats- Carrie Underwood

Okay, so I think it should be clear this has to be like a bad breakup for this to work. I don’t have to be cheated on necessarily, but it would definitely help with a lot of these songs, specifically this one, obvs. Interesting, Carrie accuses the other woman of being a trashy whore while Alanis was basically taunting her ex that his new chick wasn’t whorey enough. Look, if someone cheated on me, I’d probably resort to cyber bullying before busting up their car. What’s going to hurt more? Having to call AAA or me commenting on an instagram without liking it? But that’s not to say I don’t sympathize with the destruction of property. One time I decided I was gonna key someone’s car but it’s too hard to find the right black BMW*** in an LA parking lot so I gave up after like 30 seconds. I don’t know if I’d have access to a baseball bat and I don’t know how much damage my brother’s tennis racket that’s in my car could do, but I do know that my brother would do way worse to me if I wrecked his Babolat. But despite all that, I can definitely get behind the message of this song.

You’re So Vain- Carly Simon

I’d just like to point out that Dax Shepard recently tweeted, “Whether or not he was vain is debatable, but the song was, in fact, about him” and I think we all need to acknowledge the truthfulness of that. Well, right off the bat, I don’t know and never will know how one looks “walking on to a yacht” because I get violently seasick and can’t even look at a boat. Carly continues to sing,”your hat strategically dipped below one eye, your scarf it was apricot” — I’m sorry, but is she singing about Warren Beatty or Lucas Grabeel‘s character in High School Musical? But once I get past all that and change “I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee” to I had some dreams they were clouds in my Oprah Chai Tea and I’m ready to sing along with Carly and Mick about the boy who knowing my taste will most certainly be so vain.

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum

“It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now”? I mean, I can’t relate to a song as much as I can relate to that. I guess there aren’t really explicit references to a defined relationship, but I think we can assume she (is Lady Antebellum a person like Lady Gaga or Lady Edith from Downton Abbey or a band?) is about to drunk call an ex-boyfriend. I also like that it leave room for interpretation…does she want to call him? Snapchat him? Maybe she’s gonna send him a message on Tinder…

Basically Any Taylor Swift Song

Taylor Swift knows what I’m talking about when I say I want to get broken up with. The only difference is she gets dumped by celebs and uses it to become one of the biggest stars in the world and I want to use it to really feel my playlist as I speed down Sunset. Anyway, thank you Tay Tay for giving us the best mid-song spoken dialogue since Britney Spears taught us that there was more historical accuracy to Titanic than just the boat sinking.† Side Note: Speaking of Titanic, I’m not including My Heart Will Go On because let’s be real it’s just too sad. Also, my dad once made fun of me with it with this really gross boy when we were on like a catamaran or raft or something so I’m pissed and scarred by that too. But seriously, nothing is more me than “Ughhhh” and “I just….I mean this is exhausting.” Unfortunately the spoken part of I Knew You Were Trouble was less successful, but the rest is so solid, I’ll forgive you, girl.

Same goes for Adele

The difference between Taylor and Adele is that I really feel for Adele…like she really got her fucking heart broken. Nothing against dating a new celeb every week (okay maybe something), but I don’t think Taylor has ever felt what Adele has. If I ever get to meet Adele, I am just giving her one giant hug and never letting go. I can’t even go into details on her songs because they’re all so freaking good!! I just want to mention that I think Bruno Mars is basically the male Adele I just want them to find each other and also I would have included the amazingness that is Grenade but I didn’t want to bore you with so many songs.

You Were Meant For Me- Jewel

I’m kind of obsessed with this song and it really hit me when Cliff had it on repeat after Mindy dumped him. However, it’s like if this guy is not accepting of me being a slob it was clearly not meant to be and you can sure as hell bet once we broke up I wouldn’t give a shit that I was leaving wet towels on the floor or the cap off the toothpaste or the lights on. Like who does this guy think he is…my dad?

There are of course plenty more, some about breakups, some about makeups, (as I said I didn’t get into My Heart Will Go On or I Will Always Love You, which coincidentally, I have cried to in an uber before, and I omitted another personal favorite, I Will Survive, because I figured you guys were getting bored of reading my shit) and some songs that I want to shout no matter what my mood (read: Livin On A Prayer). But I guess until I get my wish, I’ll just be crying in ubers and inappropriately singing about an exes that aren’t even real exes.

*As awful as the whole thing sounds, I don’t think he really meant that the dog was why he was breaking up with me, just that it was a factor in him having like a rough week or something? Also, why would he have not told his own girlfriend that his dog died? Or did it die that morning? I also really really hope you’re not reading this Jon because I would hate to make you relive that (no sarcasm, dead serious….FUCK NO PUN INTENDED!) And lastly just an FYI we’ve totally made up (not like got back together, but gotten past the fact he broke up with me on Valentine’s Day and how he did it)

**Due out in April 2015!!!!

***Color and make/model have been changed to protect the people involved

†SPOILER ALERT!!! whoops, sorry….. but also maybe that it took place in space?

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So Many TV Boyfriends You Could Call Me A TV Slut

Ugh. Guys in real life. Just ugh, am I right ladies? TV characters, that’s where it’s at. We crush on all these celebrities (I really do mean we here- I’m one of the worst offenders), but a lot of the time we’re really in love with the characters these actors play. Of course there are exceptions, but a lot of the persona we build up in our mind is supplemented by their on-screen roles, even if subconsciously so. So here’s a list of my favorite men on TV, who I obviously pretend are my real boyfriends at night. (I’ve chosen to omit any animated characters because I’m really trying to come off as semi normal here)

The-Mindy-Project-Weiner-Night-12-PortableDanny Castellano

Danny Castellano from The Mindy Project is the perfect man. He really is. I’ll admit that I see Mindy Lahiri/Mindy Kaling (I choose to make no distinction between the two) as more than just a kindred spirit but really just an extension of myself, and thereby think that Danny and I are soulmates with that incredible chemistry he and Mindy share. But still, even without the Mindy connection, he is everything. Is there really anything sexier than a grumpy old man in a young man’s body? What could be better than a hot-looking curmudgeon? Danny has that kind of douchey streak woman seem to be so attracted to, but instead of being a bad boy, it’s just that he’s a bit of a crank. He’s a no nonsense true blue New Yorker who knows his Springsteen from his Mellencamp. He can rocks a leather jacket just as well as his grandma reading glasses. He’s also gorgeous. I first took notice of Chris Messina when he appeared as Claire’s Christian-Rock-loving Conservative boyfriend Ted on Six Feet Under. Although we do get a great shot of his butt in the finale, I remember being conflicted about whether he was really hot or really not. There was something about his features that I knew I either loved or hated, and I think at first I settled on thinking he was ugly. But with time I realized how hot he was, and there’s nothing that makes me happier than his crooked half smile. Sure Chris is on the shorter side, so Danny’s attitude may be a bit due to “Tiny Douchebag Syndrome,” but as long as Danny keeps his height complex in check, I don’t mind. Also, while being a good Catholic boy may only be a big selling point to me, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt in everyone else’s eyes that he’s a successful doctor. Plus, NEVER FORGET.

bass-basketballChuck Bass

I’m in love with him, but I’m not entirely sure Ed Westwick is actually so hot, based on physical looks alone. We’ll never know though, because as long as we associate him with Chuck Bass, he will always be beyond dreamy. Now let’s keep in mind, we’re talking about Chuck from the show, not the Gossip Girl books, duh. I never thought I could be so attracted to a guy who was so into scarves. There is a side to Chuck that is very in touch with his metrosexuality. While I’m not normally into that, I think if a guy has a certain attitude (yes, that attitude is basically that of a douchebag), an extensive section of lilac in his closet is not just excusable, but even attractive. Plus, I find that when British guys speak in an American accent, it’s way sexier than a British accent could ever be. Just like in the case of Danny and Mindy, I feel a connection to Blair Waldorf, which probably contributes to my Chuck love. Maybe I wouldn’t like him so much if I were “a Serena” (ugh) but in no world do I see myself obsessing over Nate or, even grosser, Dan….ewwwwww. Girls want a bad boy with just a hint of something that makes them believe they can change him. Not sure if that’s the case here, but Chuck turned out to be a real romantic. Don’t pretend like you didn’t swoon when he finally said those 3 words, 8 letters. Ughhhhh that Mother Chucker!!

eeeb69a7d15a8a26c497f4829a4a3ca3Jesse Pinkman

Yes, I know we all love world’s greatest The Price Is Right contestant Aaron Paul himself, but that doesn’t take away from the undying love we have for Breaking Bad‘s drug dealer with a heart of gold. Sure he dressed like a Juggalo,* but I think I speak for all of us when I say I’d love to find myself in his own private domicile and be his very own pretty little bird. If it weren’t for all the drug issues, and also really the situations his girlfriends tend to find themselves in, Jesse would be the perfect guy. Over five seasons, I fell more in love with every yo and bitch. Didn’t it just break your heart when Jane died? Obviously the crazy part of me was like, yes! now he’s single! You’re just a monster if you didn’t feel love for him as he teared up at Gale‘s door. I love me some Pinkman so much I’m almost afraid Jesse has made smoking/cooking/dealing meth sexy. Like will meth go in the plus column when considering future men? I hope I’m smarter than that, but if someone reminds me that much of Jesse, I might not be able to be accounted for. Honorable Mention for Breaking Bad hottie goes to Badger. His husky voice and Star Trek fan fiction propelled him right into my heart. For those of you into Walt Jr., just no….go eat some breakfast.

Daryl Dixon (Norman Reedus) with his trusty crossbow.Daryl Dixon

The character appeals to me a bit the way Jesse Pinkman did, but I can’t tell if actor Norman Reedus‘ attractiveness (after initial disinterest) is due to the Chris Messina effect or the Ed Westwick effect. The former being that his features straddle the line between very hot and ugly, the latter being that me being so in love with his character has made me think he is more attractive than I would otherwise. I think it’s mostly the first, with maybe a bit of the second. When my mom first showed me this guy from The Walking Dead she thought I would think was so hot, I thought he was totally creepy. And honestly, a lot of that is probably the haircut he’s stuck with in the zombie apocalypse. But a few episodes in, I was infatuated with yet another bad boy with a heart of gold. He’s a southern loner with a crossbow, leather vest, and hog, and I love it all. He really sealed the heart of gold aspect on his quest to find Sophia and his resulting relationship with CarolCouldn’t you just die? I mean if he cooked me up some squirrel, I’d eat it. Sure I’d rather he take me to Nobu, but beggars can’t be choosers. Okay, I take it back…the only way I’m eating squirrel is if it’s AT Nobu and even then I’ll probably stick to artichoke salad and tuna tacos. If you don’t watch The Walking Dead, honestly it’s worth it just for Daryl. Let’s put it this way, if Daryl dies, I riot.

300px-B&MMarshall Eriksen and Barney Stinson

A lot of this one is Jason Segel. I love me some Jason Segel. And not this skinny Jason Segel in Sex Tape but I’m talking more to love How I Met Your Mother/Forgetting Sarah Marshall** Jason Segel. Marshall is funny and quirky and a huge romantic, actually probably too much of one sometimes. He’s a great husband, dad, and Big Foot researcher. If I were a ghost, I’d haunt him. I can’t really explain it, but he is just so freaking lovable. He’s cuddly bitch!  I could never have anything serious with him (or anything at all Nicki you big idiot he is a fictional character), but Barney is well dressed and pretty hot. Neil Patrick Harris plays him so smooth but also so ridiculous. Really, lady killer Barney was kind of a dork– he was obsessed with magic and Star Wars and kind of even made them cool. I never really liked him and Robin and I think part of that was based on a completely irrational jealousy. Look, if I were in the HIMYM universe and Barney hit on me, I probably wouldn’t fall for anything from The Playbook, but I’d probably still go home with him because he was pretty hot.*** Note: I didn’t include Ted because let’s be real Teddy Westside was kind of annoying. It’s one thing to be romantic, but he was just a little too much. Josh Radnor is definitely hot though, and I kind of hope he goes gray soon because he is going to be a total silver fox.

1133889376_1148Jim Halpert and Ryan Howard†

Ahhh, the men of The Office. Two very different guys. Let’s just get Ryan out of the way. Yes, he’s a total asshole. No, there’s probably not good deep down. But, Kelly and Ryan’s story was one for the ages. And as I said, I always put myself in the place of Mindy’s characters so I was all about the temp. The whole reason I even got into the office in the first place was for Kelly and Ryan. Okay, now Jim. John Krasinski definitely benefits from the whole phenomenon of a not necessarily attractive actor becoming hot because his character is so great. Sure, he’s probably the best dressed guy in Hollywood and his prank war with Jimmy Kimmel is amazing and he and Emily Blunt are one of the cutest couples out there, but before I watched the office I did not get him at all. Jim is just sweet and hilarious and the ultimate prankster which is great. Who’da thought Jim Face was such a turn on?

tumblr_kvns7rjvZj1qzczc7o1_500Chandler Bing

Could he be any more lovable?†† Sure Matthew Perry is good-looking, but what really made Chandler so great was that he was the funny one. I like a sarcastic joker and that’s exactly what Chandler was. Whenever Thanksgiving rolled around, he had that grumpy Grinch-like quality I find ever so endearing, all while making me laugh. Maybe he was a bit over the top, but whether he was emaciated or a bit chubby, Miss Chanandler Bong always did it for me. Also he wore Free City once which I loved. The other Friends: Well, Ross didn’t make this list because, duh, he was the worst. And while I always thought Matt LeBlanc was hot, Joey is really just a less hot (personality-wise), poorly-dressed version of Barney, so I didn’t need to write up both.

NG_NICK_SCHMIDT_ANNIVERSARY_640x360_19559491665Schmidt and Nick Miller

I really should be Team Schmidt. He’s got that douchey, metrosexual flavor that makes him exactly my type. And when New Girl first started, I really did crush on him. For some reason I just am not as into him as my other TV beaus. I don’t know, there’s just something missing. Ever notice how Max Greenfield always seems so much hotter in everything else? Plus, he will never ever be as great or as hot as he was as Deputy Leo in Veronica Mars. Nick, on the other hand, I find myself really loving. Sure, Jake Johnson‘s nose is kind of busted, but I’d still hit it. Nick is such a curmudgeon, I love it. When I said earlier that I loved an old man disguised as a hot guy, Nick Miller is basically the epitome of that. If he really wants to be marriage material he should probably get his shit together (idk, has he? I kind of stopped watching), but even as a total, grumpy mess, I love him. Honorable Mention: Coach. GTFO Winston.

dexter-season-6-dexter-maniac-murderer-splashing-blood-michael-c_-hallDexter Morgan

Dexter may have been a serial killer, but Michael C. Hall was SMOKING HOT. Like for real though. He’s probably the most physically attractive on this entire list. Well, except 2 down. Also not to be pervy, but was it not pretty sexual when he’d plastic rap his naked victims and and hover over them. He even hooked up with one one time. I’d start murdering if it meant I ended up on his table. Dark Passenger Dexter, of course, not lumberjack Dexter.

tumblr_n0w5nmoykK1qj13q4o2_500Logan Echolls

If you haven’t watched Veronica Mars, I can’t suggest it highly enough. My friend Ali got me into it about a year and a half ago and I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve watched the series through like 3 or 4 times since then. (okay, a little ashamed)  I don’t want to get to into where the character goes because I really hope that at least 1 of the 5 people who actually read this ends up watching the show. Logan may be Neptune High’s “obligatory psychotic jackass” but he’s my number one dream guy. Seriously guys, just watch. Jason Dohring may not seem like such a looker to you now, but 3/4 through Season One you’ll be hanging his picture on your wall. Believe me, you’ll get past the necklace and learn to love the voice.

White-CollarNeal Caffrey

I mean, duh. Like why even waste space explaining this one? I mean, Matt Bomer? More like Matt Boner!†††

13256928071Tony Almeida

Those of you who watched 24 know what I’m talking about. Jack Bauer was hot, but I was obsessed with Tony. I didn’t even watch the new season because as far as I know, Carlos Bernard is not in it. Just ask my friends…Second Semester freshman year I couldn’t get through 3 sentences without talking about Tony.

Vlcsnap-2013-07-13-17h59m41s97Tony DiNozzo and Leroy Jethro Gibbs

I’m going to assume most of my readers are under 70, and therefore don’t watch NCIS. That’s okay. I do. Like I’m pretty into it. Whatever. Just turn on USA and almost guaranteed NCIS or Law and Order: SVU will be on. Anyway, not only is Michael Weatherly very attractive (I feel like he’s what Chris Pine swoon will look like in 10/15 years), but he plays a cocky movie trivia aficionado, which is just the most perfect combination. And there’s really not much to say about Gibbs, except that Mark Harmon is a total silver fox. I don’t have daddy issues, I swear!

jack-both-waysJack Donaghy

Right now you’re either thinking I’m crazy or nodding your head in total agreement. It just depends if a conservative, Catholic ladies man/businessman is your type or not. For some people it isn’t, no judgement. Plus, Alec Baldwin wasn’t too hard on the eyes back in the day. Also I loved DannyCheyenne Jackson was criminally underused on 30 Rock.

psych1Shawn Spencer

He was goofy and a total 80’s trivia buff. Honestly let’s be real, I need some kind of crush to really keep me interested in a TV show (Why do you think I watched Drop Dead Diva, but for Fred and Grayson?), and James Roday was the eye candy that brought me to Psych.

Late Night with Jimmy FallonZack Morris

The ultimate throwback. He could stop time and sweet-talk his way out of any mess he undoubtedly got himself into. The only thing bigger than his cell phone was his hunk factor. He’s one of the few blonde guys I can really get behind. Oh get your mind out of the gutter… and that doesn’t even make sense! Let’s just also include every other Mark-Paul Gosselaar character post-Saved By The Bell too because he’s just perfect.

Shoutout to all the others who I’m sure I forgot. Oh, and also Christian Troy from Nip/Tuck, Jeff and Troy from Community and Leo and Chris Wyatt from Charmed. And Mr. Big from Sex And The City who had his own section in the post, but I took it out last minute.

*I can’t take full credit for this…the BB Honest Trailer called Jesse a Juggalo and it blew my mind

**wait, how am I just now realizing Sarah Marshall/Marshall Eriksen? Oh right, because it’s literally nothing

***I was going to say it’d be legen-wait for it-dary but I thought I’d be a little less cheesy/predictable than that

† Wait, The Office took place in Pennsylvania and had a character named Ryan Howard? Huh….

†† Ugh, so much for not being cheesy/predictable

††† Let’s be honest, no one would blame you if you stopped reading after that one