Ugh. Guys in real life. Just ugh, am I right ladies? TV characters, that’s where it’s at. We crush on all these celebrities (I really do mean we here- I’m one of the worst offenders), but a lot of the time we’re really in love with the characters these actors play. Of course there are exceptions, but a lot of the persona we build up in our mind is supplemented by their on-screen roles, even if subconsciously so. So here’s a list of my favorite men on TV, who I obviously pretend are my real boyfriends at night. (I’ve chosen to omit any animated characters because I’m really trying to come off as semi normal here)
Danny Castellano from The Mindy Project is the perfect man. He really is. I’ll admit that I see Mindy Lahiri/Mindy Kaling (I choose to make no distinction between the two) as more than just a kindred spirit but really just an extension of myself, and thereby think that Danny and I are soulmates with that incredible chemistry he and Mindy share. But still, even without the Mindy connection, he is everything. Is there really anything sexier than a grumpy old man in a young man’s body? What could be better than a hot-looking curmudgeon? Danny has that kind of douchey streak woman seem to be so attracted to, but instead of being a bad boy, it’s just that he’s a bit of a crank. He’s a no nonsense true blue New Yorker who knows his Springsteen from his Mellencamp. He can rocks a leather jacket just as well as his grandma reading glasses. He’s also gorgeous. I first took notice of Chris Messina when he appeared as Claire’s Christian-Rock-loving Conservative boyfriend Ted on Six Feet Under. Although we do get a great shot of his butt in the finale, I remember being conflicted about whether he was really hot or really not. There was something about his features that I knew I either loved or hated, and I think at first I settled on thinking he was ugly. But with time I realized how hot he was, and there’s nothing that makes me happier than his crooked half smile. Sure Chris is on the shorter side, so Danny’s attitude may be a bit due to “Tiny Douchebag Syndrome,” but as long as Danny keeps his height complex in check, I don’t mind. Also, while being a good Catholic boy may only be a big selling point to me, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt in everyone else’s eyes that he’s a successful doctor. Plus, NEVER FORGET.
I’m in love with him, but I’m not entirely sure Ed Westwick is actually so hot, based on physical looks alone. We’ll never know though, because as long as we associate him with Chuck Bass, he will always be beyond dreamy. Now let’s keep in mind, we’re talking about Chuck from the show, not the Gossip Girl books, duh. I never thought I could be so attracted to a guy who was so into scarves. There is a side to Chuck that is very in touch with his metrosexuality. While I’m not normally into that, I think if a guy has a certain attitude (yes, that attitude is basically that of a douchebag), an extensive section of lilac in his closet is not just excusable, but even attractive. Plus, I find that when British guys speak in an American accent, it’s way sexier than a British accent could ever be. Just like in the case of Danny and Mindy, I feel a connection to Blair Waldorf, which probably contributes to my Chuck love. Maybe I wouldn’t like him so much if I were “a Serena” (ugh) but in no world do I see myself obsessing over Nate or, even grosser, Dan….ewwwwww. Girls want a bad boy with just a hint of something that makes them believe they can change him. Not sure if that’s the case here, but Chuck turned out to be a real romantic. Don’t pretend like you didn’t swoon when he finally said those 3 words, 8 letters. Ughhhhh that Mother Chucker!!
Yes, I know we all love world’s greatest The Price Is Right contestant Aaron Paul himself, but that doesn’t take away from the undying love we have for Breaking Bad‘s drug dealer with a heart of gold. Sure he dressed like a Juggalo,* but I think I speak for all of us when I say I’d love to find myself in his own private domicile and be his very own pretty little bird. If it weren’t for all the drug issues, and also really the situations his girlfriends tend to find themselves in, Jesse would be the perfect guy. Over five seasons, I fell more in love with every yo and bitch. Didn’t it just break your heart when Jane died? Obviously the crazy part of me was like, yes! now he’s single! You’re just a monster if you didn’t feel love for him as he teared up at Gale‘s door. I love me some Pinkman so much I’m almost afraid Jesse has made smoking/cooking/dealing meth sexy. Like will meth go in the plus column when considering future men? I hope I’m smarter than that, but if someone reminds me that much of Jesse, I might not be able to be accounted for. Honorable Mention for Breaking Bad hottie goes to Badger. His husky voice and Star Trek fan fiction propelled him right into my heart. For those of you into Walt Jr., just no….go eat some breakfast.
The character appeals to me a bit the way Jesse Pinkman did, but I can’t tell if actor Norman Reedus‘ attractiveness (after initial disinterest) is due to the Chris Messina effect or the Ed Westwick effect. The former being that his features straddle the line between very hot and ugly, the latter being that me being so in love with his character has made me think he is more attractive than I would otherwise. I think it’s mostly the first, with maybe a bit of the second. When my mom first showed me this guy from The Walking Dead she thought I would think was so hot, I thought he was totally creepy. And honestly, a lot of that is probably the haircut he’s stuck with in the zombie apocalypse. But a few episodes in, I was infatuated with yet another bad boy with a heart of gold. He’s a southern loner with a crossbow, leather vest, and hog, and I love it all. He really sealed the heart of gold aspect on his quest to find Sophia and his resulting relationship with Carol. Couldn’t you just die? I mean if he cooked me up some squirrel, I’d eat it. Sure I’d rather he take me to Nobu, but beggars can’t be choosers. Okay, I take it back…the only way I’m eating squirrel is if it’s AT Nobu and even then I’ll probably stick to artichoke salad and tuna tacos. If you don’t watch The Walking Dead, honestly it’s worth it just for Daryl. Let’s put it this way, if Daryl dies, I riot.
Marshall Eriksen and Barney Stinson
A lot of this one is Jason Segel. I love me some Jason Segel. And not this skinny Jason Segel in Sex Tape but I’m talking more to love How I Met Your Mother/Forgetting Sarah Marshall** Jason Segel. Marshall is funny and quirky and a huge romantic, actually probably too much of one sometimes. He’s a great husband, dad, and Big Foot researcher. If I were a ghost, I’d haunt him. I can’t really explain it, but he is just so freaking lovable. He’s cuddly bitch! I could never have anything serious with him (or anything at all Nicki you big idiot he is a fictional character), but Barney is well dressed and pretty hot. Neil Patrick Harris plays him so smooth but also so ridiculous. Really, lady killer Barney was kind of a dork– he was obsessed with magic and Star Wars and kind of even made them cool. I never really liked him and Robin and I think part of that was based on a completely irrational jealousy. Look, if I were in the HIMYM universe and Barney hit on me, I probably wouldn’t fall for anything from The Playbook, but I’d probably still go home with him because he was pretty hot.*** Note: I didn’t include Ted because let’s be real Teddy Westside was kind of annoying. It’s one thing to be romantic, but he was just a little too much. Josh Radnor is definitely hot though, and I kind of hope he goes gray soon because he is going to be a total silver fox.
Jim Halpert and Ryan Howard†
Ahhh, the men of The Office. Two very different guys. Let’s just get Ryan out of the way. Yes, he’s a total asshole. No, there’s probably not good deep down. But, Kelly and Ryan’s story was one for the ages. And as I said, I always put myself in the place of Mindy’s characters so I was all about the temp. The whole reason I even got into the office in the first place was for Kelly and Ryan. Okay, now Jim. John Krasinski definitely benefits from the whole phenomenon of a not necessarily attractive actor becoming hot because his character is so great. Sure, he’s probably the best dressed guy in Hollywood and his prank war with Jimmy Kimmel is amazing and he and Emily Blunt are one of the cutest couples out there, but before I watched the office I did not get him at all. Jim is just sweet and hilarious and the ultimate prankster which is great. Who’da thought Jim Face was such a turn on?
Could he be any more lovable?†† Sure Matthew Perry is good-looking, but what really made Chandler so great was that he was the funny one. I like a sarcastic joker and that’s exactly what Chandler was. Whenever Thanksgiving rolled around, he had that grumpy Grinch-like quality I find ever so endearing, all while making me laugh. Maybe he was a bit over the top, but whether he was emaciated or a bit chubby, Miss Chanandler Bong always did it for me. Also he wore Free City once which I loved. The other Friends: Well, Ross didn’t make this list because, duh, he was the worst. And while I always thought Matt LeBlanc was hot, Joey is really just a less hot (personality-wise), poorly-dressed version of Barney, so I didn’t need to write up both.
Schmidt and Nick Miller
I really should be Team Schmidt. He’s got that douchey, metrosexual flavor that makes him exactly my type. And when New Girl first started, I really did crush on him. For some reason I just am not as into him as my other TV beaus. I don’t know, there’s just something missing. Ever notice how Max Greenfield always seems so much hotter in everything else? Plus, he will never ever be as great or as hot as he was as Deputy Leo in Veronica Mars. Nick, on the other hand, I find myself really loving. Sure, Jake Johnson‘s nose is kind of busted, but I’d still hit it. Nick is such a curmudgeon, I love it. When I said earlier that I loved an old man disguised as a hot guy, Nick Miller is basically the epitome of that. If he really wants to be marriage material he should probably get his shit together (idk, has he? I kind of stopped watching), but even as a total, grumpy mess, I love him. Honorable Mention: Coach. GTFO Winston.
Dexter may have been a serial killer, but Michael C. Hall was SMOKING HOT. Like for real though. He’s probably the most physically attractive on this entire list. Well, except 2 down. Also not to be pervy, but was it not pretty sexual when he’d plastic rap his naked victims and and hover over them. He even hooked up with one one time. I’d start murdering if it meant I ended up on his table. Dark Passenger Dexter, of course, not lumberjack Dexter.
If you haven’t watched Veronica Mars, I can’t suggest it highly enough. My friend Ali got me into it about a year and a half ago and I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve watched the series through like 3 or 4 times since then. (okay, a little ashamed) I don’t want to get to into where the character goes because I really hope that at least 1 of the 5 people who actually read this ends up watching the show. Logan may be Neptune High’s “obligatory psychotic jackass” but he’s my number one dream guy. Seriously guys, just watch. Jason Dohring may not seem like such a looker to you now, but 3/4 through Season One you’ll be hanging his picture on your wall. Believe me, you’ll get past the necklace and learn to love the voice.
I mean, duh. Like why even waste space explaining this one? I mean, Matt Bomer? More like Matt Boner!†††
Those of you who watched 24 know what I’m talking about. Jack Bauer was hot, but I was obsessed with Tony. I didn’t even watch the new season because as far as I know, Carlos Bernard is not in it. Just ask my friends…Second Semester freshman year I couldn’t get through 3 sentences without talking about Tony.
Tony DiNozzo and Leroy Jethro Gibbs
I’m going to assume most of my readers are under 70, and therefore don’t watch NCIS. That’s okay. I do. Like I’m pretty into it. Whatever. Just turn on USA and almost guaranteed NCIS or Law and Order: SVU will be on. Anyway, not only is Michael Weatherly very attractive (I feel like he’s what Chris Pine swoon will look like in 10/15 years), but he plays a cocky movie trivia aficionado, which is just the most perfect combination. And there’s really not much to say about Gibbs, except that Mark Harmon is a total silver fox. I don’t have daddy issues, I swear!
Right now you’re either thinking I’m crazy or nodding your head in total agreement. It just depends if a conservative, Catholic ladies man/businessman is your type or not. For some people it isn’t, no judgement. Plus, Alec Baldwin wasn’t too hard on the eyes back in the day. Also I loved Danny. Cheyenne Jackson was criminally underused on 30 Rock.
He was goofy and a total 80’s trivia buff. Honestly let’s be real, I need some kind of crush to really keep me interested in a TV show (Why do you think I watched Drop Dead Diva, but for Fred and Grayson?), and James Roday was the eye candy that brought me to Psych.
The ultimate throwback. He could stop time and sweet-talk his way out of any mess he undoubtedly got himself into. The only thing bigger than his cell phone was his hunk factor. He’s one of the few blonde guys I can really get behind. Oh get your mind out of the gutter… and that doesn’t even make sense! Let’s just also include every other Mark-Paul Gosselaar character post-Saved By The Bell too because he’s just perfect.
Shoutout to all the others who I’m sure I forgot. Oh, and also Christian Troy from Nip/Tuck, Jeff and Troy from Community and Leo and Chris Wyatt from Charmed. And Mr. Big from Sex And The City who had his own section in the post, but I took it out last minute.
*I can’t take full credit for this…the BB Honest Trailer called Jesse a Juggalo and it blew my mind
**wait, how am I just now realizing Sarah Marshall/Marshall Eriksen? Oh right, because it’s literally nothing
***I was going to say it’d be legen-wait for it-dary but I thought I’d be a little less cheesy/predictable than that
† Wait, The Office took place in Pennsylvania and had a character named Ryan Howard? Huh….
†† Ugh, so much for not being cheesy/predictable
††† Let’s be honest, no one would blame you if you stopped reading after that one